Naked

This is 10 song album I finished over summer. Criticism would be much appreciated!

Childhood
He can cry, but
he's not alive yet
caught in a net
of his mother's insides,
larger than the horse he rides
his body grown to
the cave where he abides,
pressure from all sides,
he may exist forever here
but he wants life!

Kick out her stomach,
cut the rope that ached your wrists
and hung you from her first,
breathe with your own lungs,
taste with your own tongue
it's time for your teeth to come in

The newly born
sleeps in his prison
embracing the sun
as it burns wooden bars,
igniting the fuel in the scars
that cover his flailing arms
gripping the sacred star,
sewn to feathers and tar
he only feels mud and whips
so he lives in his mind!

he watches
the fences take flight
the links unwind and turn to kites,
the strings hang from the night
for him to catch and watch
as warplanes fight with chocolate
and in the taste of sweets he finds
his sight is not bound by his eyes

Carry your legs,
away from the
beggars who crawl on their backs
and follow your heart as it expands
hold it in your hands
and swear to never be a man

asshat

...the lyrics are good...a little too much like Rush for me, but that's just personal preference.

I didn't think a baby cried in her mothers insides.

"The newly born
sleeps in his prison
embracing the sun
as it burns wooden bars,
igniting the fuel in the scars
that cover his flailing arms
gripping the sacred star,
sewn to feathers and tar
he only feels mud and whips
so he lives in his mind!"

....it's seems like your trying to show the different stages of life...I don't usually think of the newly born having that many scars, unless their parents are mean to them.
I'm also not sure what the sacred star, and the feathers and tar are. This stanza is a little confusing to be honest.

..........as a poem alone...you have a solid foundation but need to cut out some extraneous details...as a song, I don't know how you compose music so I'm not quite sure if it works or not.

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Rye Catcher II: Electric Boogaloo
http://oldhickory666.blogspot.com/

Terrible Lizard

I enjoyed reading it, I'm interested to find out what you decide to do with it.

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“YOU ARE SCUM SLUT.”
-John Martyn

Naked

It's a concept album, so I suppose this song can be confusing without the others to back it up. This song takes place in the early stages of the holocaust, if that helps. The "Sacred Star" is the star of David.

Naked

Military Horns
His ears have sunk back into
his skull to escape the cracks and
whistles of exploding men,
careless with their eroding limbs
hoping for memorial films
and singing blasphemous hymns
to comfort him

His wounds are patched,
with his comrades skin,
harvested to match
the bandages that stretch from his soul to his chin,
and disguise him like the waves of bleeding mannequins,
displaying the future war fashions
decorated by the televisions
that flicker and flash across his eyelids

he will never sleep though
the wind blew out the sun
so he sucks the powder from his gun
and his stomach becomes
an organic volcano
so he finds a match to swallow,
and his body erupts at the pores
hollowing out the hospital,
and heating the floor like a stove

and so he betrays his sons
who march to military horns
committing acts of treason
even during birth

asshat

...I see. It makes a lot more sense now.

__________________
Rye Catcher II: Electric Boogaloo
http://oldhickory666.blogspot.com/

Naked

Any other comments on either of these songs before I post another?

Ravenkin

My favorite is Childhood. After you explained what the song was about it made perfect sense. I think you have a very solid foundation id love to see the others.

Naked

Thank you Raven, I know I write sort of abstract so when someone tells me my song makes perfect sense it is one of the best compliments you can give me.
Here's the next on the album... I didn't know it was when I wrote it but it has become a very personal song. It is untitled as well but for now we'll call it:

The Artist and the Musician
Before she had a name,
she had sculpted her face
to not look quite the same
as the children who lay quiet,
their eyes sewn with lace

As a boy he was bald
his hair strung on his guitar
that he played for the stars
he followed as he roamed
his feet moving to the metronomes
in his fingers

she molded her brain
from her dead mother's clay
covered in ink blot stains
that form pictures of all she thinks
for her to display

he plays the music he loves
and he loves all that he hears
his brain is covered in ears,
that transmit radio waves
and send them coursing through the veins
of his soul

They met in a house of tin
and she painted his skin
while he taught her a hymn
they don't sing in church
and he showed her the pencil in this throat,
and she took it and drew a boat,
that they sailed across the moat
of the castle they both knew was home

And now his music fills the walls
and her art hangs in bathroom stalls
as they paint their bodies over
and dance to the voice of the other
and he loves her,
so she lends him her hair
and he strings them
with the care he gives to his mother,
and she loves him
so he sings her the hymn
and she paints it,
and it forms the shape of her lover

Nicktarist

I'm quite astonished. I didn't necessarily understand it until you said it was about the holocaust--then every single line clicked. You did quite an impressive job of capturing at least some of the emotion involved. Here are some of my favorite lines:

I would like to hear some music--as I feel that here, that might be the only place I'm at all qualified to critique.

peace,
-nick

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