Hey dudes/dudettes

TheOtherNewestOne · 09-09-2009, 11:36 AM

Hey, Shivs, would you mind giving my two poems a looksie?

I'd link you, but apparently I'm not allowed. The thread is on the front page though. About the middle.

Shivs · 09-09-2009, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheOtherNewestOne

Hey, Shivs, would you mind giving my two poems a looksie?

I'd link you, but apparently I'm not allowed. The thread is on the front page though. About the middle.

No problem man, I'll get on that!

Arya Stark · 09-09-2009, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivs

Oops, sorry AwwSugar! I'll have one up soon, man! Glad to see you've taken an interest too

Hurry up with that!

Shivs · 09-20-2009, 09:46 PM

Hey guys, I'm finally back with two new ones. Sorry they've taken so long, but I'm sorry to say that I think songs'll be coming at a slower rate now that I have school :\ Kinda makes me wish I had more time to write. Anyways, hope you guys like them, and, ehh, yeah. Coils has more of a punk vibe to it, I think. Thanks!

" Beached "

Living, in breathing
I penetrate the surface while my
Eyes become more nervous
Giants...

Knotted down to earth, man
Can't hold back the system
Gonna scrape through sand, but
Don't have control

Hooked through my flesh
Decayed in a time lapse
Come eat, cause it's food for thought
And thoughts for food
Helpless as I am,
I'm beached for good

" Coils "

Coils,
Slipping in and out,
No more,
Blood flow from my mouth
Day of life will thrash on us
Dials of the sun collide with lust
Friends all leave my body
Ditches flood,
We're rotting
Rotting,
Rotting

Coils,
Twist around my chest
Buttons,
Which one to press?
Day to night we're thrashed upon
Pumping water from our lungs
We're rotting,
Rotting,
Rotting

Arya Stark · 09-20-2009, 10:50 PM

"Beached" kind of sounds like it can be rapped. Is that just me? I like the flow of it. I didn't really enjoy the second one. I think I would have like the idea but there's something about the rhyme scheme I don't particularly enjoy.

And you should be sorry it took you so long. We thought you were never coming back. =P

Shivs · 09-21-2009, 07:27 AM

Thanks AwwSugar! I'm not sure about either of them, to be honest, cause they were kinda rushed so that you guys didn't forget about me :P But, like you, I'm leaning more towards beached rather than coils. Maybe I could get one of my friends to rap it! :P

Arya Stark · 09-21-2009, 03:42 PM

That would be pretty cool. Then you can put a video up or something.

Shivs · 09-26-2009, 12:26 AM

Hey guys, dug this one up today. Not sure what you'll think about it, cause I'm not quite sure either. Anyways, hope you like, I really wish I had time to write new ones. School + no free time = stress = writers block, which is pretty much pissing me off. Any ideas of how to kind of get into the writing mood/get rid of this damn stress would be great, guys. Thanks

" Untitled 3 "

Bring me all of our hopes collected
Light the wet match of yesterdays luck,
Burn the books,
Learn my looks
Tell me again that you don't give a ****

Trust is our only crutch,
The time we bought
Isn't worth very much
I was pawned back to you
All I am is used, were you expecting new?

Blood, you said, as your shoe went down
My face is worthless,
You own the crown

Arya Stark · 09-26-2009, 10:45 PM

Quote:

Bring me all of our hopes collected

I love this. Love this. Love this. Love this.

Did I mention that I love this?

The rest of that verse doesn't do it justice AT ALL.

Quote:

Trust is our only crutch

I like this a lot.
I think the last line:

Quote:

All I am is used, were you expecting new?

...could be changed to:

Quote:

Is all I am used? Were you expecting new?

I think that makes it a lot stronger.

This verse is a lot better, not including the first line.

I don't know if I told you, but I love the first line.

I don't like the last three lines.
I don't like the rhyming.
I think that everything would be a lot stronger if you weren't trying to make it rhyme.

I love the first line.

Just saying, man.

Shivs · 09-27-2009, 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AwwSugar

I love this. Love this. Love this. Love this.

Did I mention that I love this?

The rest of that verse doesn't do it justice AT ALL.

I like this a lot.
I think the last line:

...could be changed to:

I think that makes it a lot stronger.

This verse is a lot better, not including the first line.

I don't know if I told you, but I love the first line.

I don't like the last three lines.
I don't like the rhyming.
I think that everything would be a lot stronger if you weren't trying to make it rhyme.

I love the first line.

Just saying, man.

Thanks a lot dude, I'm really glad you liked this one.

Yeah, I should stop trying so hard in these now, it's getting hard to live up to my first posts. I'll try and revise this one with your suggestions man, thanks again!

09-20-2009, 09:46 PM	#54 (permalink)
Shivs Music Addict Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 62	Hey guys, I'm finally back with two new ones. Sorry they've taken so long, but I'm sorry to say that I think songs'll be coming at a slower rate now that I have school :\ Kinda makes me wish I had more time to write. Anyways, hope you guys like them, and, ehh, yeah. Coils has more of a punk vibe to it, I think. Thanks! " Beached " Living, in breathing I penetrate the surface while my Eyes become more nervous Giants... Knotted down to earth, man Can't hold back the system Gonna scrape through sand, but Don't have control Hooked through my flesh Decayed in a time lapse Come eat, cause it's food for thought And thoughts for food Helpless as I am, I'm beached for good " Coils " Coils, Slipping in and out, No more, Blood flow from my mouth Day of life will thrash on us Dials of the sun collide with lust Friends all leave my body Ditches flood, We're rotting Rotting, Rotting Coils, Twist around my chest Buttons, Which one to press? Day to night we're thrashed upon Pumping water from our lungs We're rotting, Rotting, Rotting __________________ http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...mentsnoopy.gif

09-21-2009, 07:27 AM	#56 (permalink)
Shivs Music Addict Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 62	Thanks AwwSugar! I'm not sure about either of them, to be honest, cause they were kinda rushed so that you guys didn't forget about me :P But, like you, I'm leaning more towards beached rather than coils. Maybe I could get one of my friends to rap it! :P __________________ http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...mentsnoopy.gif

09-26-2009, 12:26 AM	#58 (permalink)
Shivs Music Addict Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 62	Hey guys, dug this one up today. Not sure what you'll think about it, cause I'm not quite sure either. Anyways, hope you like, I really wish I had time to write new ones. School + no free time = stress = writers block, which is pretty much pissing me off. Any ideas of how to kind of get into the writing mood/get rid of this damn stress would be great, guys. Thanks " Untitled 3 " Bring me all of our hopes collected Light the wet match of yesterdays luck, Burn the books, Learn my looks Tell me again that you don't give a **** Trust is our only crutch, The time we bought Isn't worth very much I was pawned back to you All I am is used, were you expecting new? Blood, you said, as your shoe went down My face is worthless, You own the crown __________________ http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...mentsnoopy.gif

09-09-2009, 11:36 AM	#51 (permalink)
TheOtherNewestOne Groupie Join Date: May 2009 Location: America. Posts: 17	Hey, Shivs, would you mind giving my two poems a looksie? I'd link you, but apparently I'm not allowed. The thread is on the front page though. About the middle.