VEGANGELICA

Hi, Shivs! I'm pleased that my interpretation was correct. Would you please copy the part of my previous post that wasn't clear to you so I know exactly which part was confusing?

I agree with Naked that your use of an extended metaphor in the poem is one of its great strengths.

--Erica

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Shivs

"Now that I've considered the subject matter, I'll move on to the structure.
I see you use a lot of assonance, the rhyming of vowel sounds within words. I've underlined them in your song above. Almost every word at the end of a line rhymes partially with another word at the end of line, and sometimes to words internally. Like Awwsugar said, I think the rhyming helps build the cohesiveness of a song.

You also structure the song as follows:

4 line stanza
6 line stanza
6 line chorus

4 line stanza
6 line stanza
6 line chorus

This internal structure, I feel, will help make the song more memorable than, say, a song in which there is no repetition...simply because it is easier for the brain to latch on to some lines if one hears them several times."

Sorry for being stupid, haha. It's probably a pretty simple meaning, I'm just over-analyzing it.

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VEGANGELICA

Hi, Shivs,
You asked about what I meant when I was describing the physical structure of your poem about prostitution.

One thing I noticed was that you used a lot of rhyming as well as assonance (assonance being when the vowel sounds of two words rhyme). For example, in this stanza (group of 6 lines) below, the words "us" and "lust" rhyme using assonance, while "lust" and "must" is a perfect rhyme (the words differ only by the first letter):

I also commented on the number of lines in each group of lines, or stanza: you use a group for 4 lines, then a group of 6 lines, then another group of 6 lines, and then you repeat this again by using 4, 6, and 6 lines, to create a pattern. I like the fact that there is structure to the poem.

So, hopefully what I wrote all makes sense now! --Erica

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Shivs

Ahhh, now I get it. Thanks for dumbing it down for me, dude Thanks for the comment too!

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Shivs

" The Vat "

One in nine o' nine
Relocate through the currents
Can you sleep through white nights?
Into the jungle, man
Hide from the turrets

When the hands of the father
Come down on our family
We choose to salute
Are you loyal?
Will you enjoy my fruit?

Mouths were raped of voices
But that's not what the point is
We all are united,
Our language is unique
One drop to drop
One week to reek

When the hands of the father
Come down on our family
We choose to salute
Are you loyal?
Will you enjoy my fruit?

Hey dudes, finally out with some new lyrics. I've been kind of busy since I last put some up, so it was nice to finally write again. So, the topic of my latest lyrics is the infamous Jonestown Massacre. My father was born and grew up in a town in Guyana, not far from the site where Jim Jones would initiate what he called, a "revolutionary suicide". Jim Jones held a mass suicide in the form of purple juice, mixed with amounts of cyanide, sedatives, and tranquillizers. The name of the song comes from a picture of the aftermath, with a vat of the poison juice in the foreground and dozens of bodies laying the in background. The lyric, "One drop to drop" is reference to the method of feeding cult members a drop of the poison through a syringe. "One in nine o' nine" refers to the nine hundred and nine followers who were pronounced dead. Only two survived. The lyric, "Can you sleep through white nights?" is referring to events in which Jim Jones would give the people of Jonestown four choices: 1. Attempt to flee to the Soviet Union 2. Conduct "revolutionary suicide" (This was simulated after reaching a vote twice before the real loyalty test was brought on [The lyrics "Are you loyal? Will you enjoy my fruit?" is reference to these so called tests]) 3. Stay in Jonestown and fight purported attackers 4. Flee into the jungle (Which is where the lyric "Into the jungle, man" comes from) Hope you all enjoyed these lyrics, I hope to be writing again soon.

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Shivs

" Moon Rise "

Summer mornings I wonder
Will you take the time?
Think back now,
Did you love her?
Warm, warm grass now

Slept on a dirt road
Watched the moon rise
Watched the moon fall
Witnessed the birth of sunlight
For your smile, there is no price

Stretch out and begin today
Droplet fluidity,
From your fingers
Fascination now,
Arrives as a thirst

We are, you are
I am in peace
In this current plain of
Infinite release

We'll sleep on a dirt road
Watch the moon rise
Watch it fall once more
We can witness the birth of sunlight
Walk through to many doors

The lyrics to "Moon Rise" are about the feeling of general happiness, feelings you get that can't really be broken by bad thoughts. Ones that take you away from the world, and ones that can pull you out of sadness. I find this feeling with my friends, but more frequently just cruising around on my skateboard by myself, trying to go as fast as I can, and also music. One particular event in which music gave me "the feeling" was while I was listening to Pink Floyds "On the Run" on almost full blast. I can't even describe it. Hopefully everyone here knows what feeling I'm talking about, and has also experienced it.

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VEGANGELICA

Hi Shivs,
I do know a feeling that sounds similar to the one you describe...a feeling of peace and connection that seems timeless. I suspect people who meditate get to a similar state and I've read that it is common for religious people to feel this feeling (although I am not at all religious).

I like the fact that you are trying to evoke or describe this feeling in your song. One line that I feel detracts from that feeling of peace is when you write about sleeping on a dirt road, because every time I read that line I start to feel alarm, fearing for the people getting hit by a car...and people in the country sometimes drive *fast* on those country dirt roads.

The line "arrives as a thirst" intrigues me, as does "droplet fluidity from your fingers"...the song seems to be about a person remembering the state of being a couple and looking forward to being together again, simply being. It makes me imagine two people sleeping in a meadow by a road, waking with the dew on them (no tent).

Did you mean "in this current plane" rather than "plain?"

--Erica

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Shivs

Hey Erica, thanks for the comment. Yeah, I think you're right, it should be "plane", not "plain". Thanks for alerting me on that one!

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Arya Stark

Generally, I don't feel this piece is as strong as some of the others I've read in the past. I'd have to go back and read over some of your pieces, just to make sure.

My favourite part:

It reminds me of simplicity. And I think simplicity is the root of happiness.

My least favourite part:

After I read this, I skipped the entire poem and skipped to the description at the end. Had I not read that, I wouldn't have finished the poem at all. I don't think it particularly fits.

Well done, overall.

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Azucar y Especia. My blog.

Shivs

Yeah dude, I've actually thought about it, and I don't really like it either. :\ Guess I can't take it off now, but whatever. Thanks man.

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