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07-21-2009, 11:22 AM | #1 (permalink) |
Music?! Lets boogie!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: CO
Posts: 215
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VeggieLovers Journey into Lyrics and Poetry
Hello Everyone, just thought I'd put up a few of my poems I found last night. As time goes on, I'll be writing a lot more with the intention of putting the words to music (hopefully with my band before they all desert me )
Some of these actually do incorperate rhyme (suprisingly) and I've chosen them as my favorites (for now). Tell me what you think and PLEASE don't be afraid to offer suggestions! Cold A cloud of hate engulfs us There's nowhere left to turn In this world of heavy choices Where our hope's been snipped and shorn Beyond our understanding is Where spikes and spirals grow In fields of black roses That have only thorns to show In fact this storn is moving And growing as it may A long and desprate needle That pierces the everyday This mass of heavy nothingness Will leave you broken spined Broken and bleeding With scars as piece of mind These Hands From these hands A form is born -- Sculpted from the gray. A little pot To hold a song And endure well, it may. In these hands A heart is held Delicate and free Above the rubble And the mess For all the world to see. To these hands, A dream is dreamt Though radical -- it's true building upward Through the wreck To make the dream anew Out of these hands, A spirit flies-- A feather in the breeze. An open spirit That cannot land For fear that it will freeze. With these hands, I touch your skin Though clammy now, and cold. I promise with These very hands To remember all you've told With these hands, I hold a hand So tiny still -- but soft A memory Be sure to know That love is never lost. Rainbows When little raincloud goes to bed A rainbow wrops around her head To keep her hair nice and neat Until the next time that raindrops greet When little breezes go to school Rainbow tags along, all cool Swaggering in her violet step Hope held tight in cheery grip Father Sunshine, Mother Moon, Always end the fun too soon! Swirling storms must putter out and leave poor rainbow there to pout Oh little rainbow, wait for me Tie up my shoes, so gracefully Give me a hopeful swagger too Give me the courage to shine like you! Best Friends One has a laugh that can be hear, From any corner of the world And though there are many days When hugs and whispers full of pain Can block the simle we need so much I still know I love her Another's crazy to behold With jokes that maybe shouldn't be told And sometimes we miss eachother In the day so full of stuff But I'll never stop tackling her in the hall Just so she'll know I love her The third's unique in every way And with that said, what more can I say? Sometimes I wonder how she works And if I'll ever know all of her quirks But does it really matter? No -- Because Il'll always love her We'll keep the secrets of the night And never will we let a firght Come between the bonds we've built. Through thick and thin it will endure Because we must keep on Loving us Other will come, in and out, Over the years, without a doubt. In fact, we may even grow apart, Though, we try not to consider that. But no matter where we go in life I know I'll always love them. last one!! For My Daddy Ever since that night, now so far removed From my thoughts, that scare I remember The details that would later rent me through I have missed you When I put on my make-up every morning, I remember that you said "Never forget that you don't need make-up To be beautiful" I remember how you taught me To add hundreds tgether with out giving up And how long I grinned when I finally got it. Now I'm doing Calculus. How many times did you tell me that "Communication is the key" and how many times has just talking Saved me? You said that if I walked ahead Led the group up the trail, That I'd always have time to sit And just rest. Do you know how many times I've lost your smile? Or forgotten the way you tugged on my braid every morning? Does the loss of me hurt you the way that Loss has shattered me? I wonder if you would still be proud Though I've stumbled on the way For making choices and finding me -- It's required sacrifice I wish you could still walk me to school, I don't want to sit and drive. And I cry to think how many times you'll miss Me walking 'cross the stage That night when, me so young, Cancer took you far Without warning you were gone And left on me a scar But life goes on, and Oh! How I've loved you.
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"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you." |
07-22-2009, 05:15 PM | #2 (permalink) |
Music?! Lets boogie!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: CO
Posts: 215
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does no one have any ideas for me? I'm suprised, and disappointed
__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you." |
07-23-2009, 01:02 PM | #4 (permalink) |
Music?! Lets boogie!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: CO
Posts: 215
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It will probably vary. Cold probably has the most potential for a song in my opinion....it could probably be alternative rock or indie rock. The others could be anything, i don't do very well with sticking to genres.
__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you." |
07-23-2009, 05:13 PM | #5 (permalink) | |||
Facilitator
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
Posts: 2,014
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Hi, VeggieLover!
I'm sorry my review arrives so late! This is a busy time of the year for maize geneticists in the MidWest. I've been out in the hot Iowan fields every day this week pollinating corn and have not had much time for MB fun! First, before I give feedback on "Cold" (the poem you can imagine most easily being converted into a song) and a little on your last poem, I want to say how well both you and your other vocalist sing in your song "Stop Here" on your group's MySpace page. The instrumentals are excellent, as well. I also liked seeing the photos of all of you in the recording studio and doing fun things together (prom, etc.!). It is too bad that your bandmates are all graduating! What will happen to your group, Snow State? Now, on to "Cold." Quote:
You next talk about the needle (so, again, a sharp object). I like the image of it piercing "the everyday"...as in piercing through to the daily life in which most of us live, doing everyday things, like buying food, brushing teeth, putting on socks, etc. etc. I have a couple word choice suggestions and hope it is okay with you that I mention them in italics below. Quote:
"You said that if I walked ahead Led the group up the trail, That I'd always have time to sit And just rest." (I would remove the second "that" because you actually write it earlier: "You said that if I walked ahead/ led the group up the trail/ I'd always have time to sit/and just rest." You have here an "if...then" statement without the "then," which is okay. I like the image of a parent telling his child not to be afraid to be a leader, to go alone.) Bye for now! --Erica Quote:
Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 07-23-2009 at 06:37 PM. |
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07-24-2009, 10:12 AM | #6 (permalink) | |
Music?! Lets boogie!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: CO
Posts: 215
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Quote:
Thank you very much for taking the time to read through my poems. My style generally incorperates a few different metaphors in a type of "weave," such as the sharpness that is seen throughout the poem in the thorns and needle. I agree that "snipped" is a more subtle verb, and it was meant to be. No one can really look at a group of people and tell which ones are being stabbed through with hopelessness. Our society tends to shave it away bit by bit so we won't ever know it's happening. "Shorn" is supposed to bring up an image of sheep which puts you in a field and prepares you for the next stanza. "spikes and spirals" is a personal referance (thats what my boyfriend laughingly calls me ) but I thought the curving images of vines fit well with the vegetation images of fields of black roses. They aren't neccisarly (arg i can't spell!) the roses themselves, but they could be. The Storm and needle (yes, supposed to invoke the image of lightning) are refering back to the cloud in the first stanza. Even in the poem it is evident that this ominous thing that we are up against is growing. "Growing as it may" is actually just the way I talk and wasn't meant as a filler, nor was it a forced rhyme, but the fact that it comes off that way needs i need to spend a bit more time in editing. You could look at this line as an indication that the storm grows of its own accord, we as individuals can't control it. I may want to add another few stanzas calling listeners to action, or mentioning something about a fight. If you've read a Wrinkle in Time, this is the "darkness" that is overtaking the planets, and it can be fought, if we stick together. As for my last poem, yes it is a cathartic writing based on my own experiences. This is the only free verse poem I posted, but it isn't in my usual free verse style. I'll edit out some of the rough spots you mentioned If you (or anyone else!) gets the chance, i would love to hear more suggestions!
__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you." |
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08-05-2009, 12:43 AM | #7 (permalink) |
Music?! Lets boogie!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: CO
Posts: 215
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I'd rather not get bumped onto the 3rd page of oblivion, so here is my place holder!
__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you." |
08-05-2009, 01:01 AM | #8 (permalink) | ||
Facilitator
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
Posts: 2,014
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Quote:
You wrote: Quote:
More later! --Erica |
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08-10-2009, 01:49 PM | #9 (permalink) |
Music?! Lets boogie!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: CO
Posts: 215
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The Dance
Hey everyone, just wrote this song a bit ago, so editing has been minimal at best. Let me know what you think, these are the first lyrics I've posted that were originally intended to be put to music. The style would be...creepy? Heavier sounding guitars and a very heavy base part. Of course, I only sing and play the flute so I'll need actual musicians to write those parts, but that's what I hear in my head
The Dance Rats and Cats and raucous romance, Circle around in a hypnotized Dance. Tripping, falling, calling, bawling; Know the steps or void the chance Yes, know the steps or lose your chance Dimes and fives and a long lonely drive, Park in a line and proceed to contrive (All the) chatting, smiling, earning, buying. Learn the dance or be eaten alive Yes, learn to dance or be cooked alive {Chorus} Twirl, leap -- a Grand Jete March in time We're all the same, everyday So don't step out of the line Where is it leading? What goal are we seeing? (intrumentals) A smile a grin we're at it again Twirling in line with our hearts made of tin Scratching, clawing, our shallow lining Poke through the sheet to the realm of sin Oh tear through the sheet to the world of sin. {Chorus} A smile a grin, we're dying again.
__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you." |
08-11-2009, 09:02 PM | #10 (permalink) | ||
young gun funyun
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Southern US
Posts: 166
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Quote:
also remember that allot of times, the more words you have, the less melody you might end up with (and this isn't not always true). But, be aware that you may end up in more of a rap than anything else--especially because if the melody of your verse gets too complex, it can overshadow the entire purpose of the chorus. my recommendation for vocals is based on what I normally do--I connect a chorus pedal and overdrive pedal to my mike for some slight effect (if you have a good chorus, it can give your voice a sort of...thickness that you can only achieve by a multylayered track). It can also be very cheesy if you set it too wide or fast. Overdrive is only for specific points in the song where I need more confidence when I sing--and for some odd reason, overdrive gives me confidence to do a couple more things than I wouldn't normally do. I hope that helps you out a bit, else it might just be completely useless. xD I'm not going to extend my hand to help you yet as I am unsure of the nature of your music. I'd like to hear songs that you and your band write together. peace, -nick
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