asshat

the lyrics are seperated by dash____________.I kept the swears for poetic license, if they need to be removed I won't be offended. Be completely frank with me, please!


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She’s moved on to something greener
She’s a librarian or ballerina
Who would know
She didn’t have to go
I look out the window pane
The pane breaks cause I smashed it
And I pick up the shard and go straight for the veins
I told her it had to be like this if she ever left me
But she didn’t listen, she said it would be insane
To do some something so childish
Like carving up my wrists for sympathy
I had the foolish notion
That she’d come back through the door
And give me a kiss because
She’d be taking the threats more serious
Than before

If I had a friend they’d tell me to gain
Some weight, get some shuteye
And my priorities straight
Thankfully that’s not the case
I’m free to be a reprobate
Who chronically masturbates
And sleeps well past noon
Doesn’t bathe and eats peanutbutter
Right off of the spoon.
________________________

Practice some fucking decorum
Don’t be a cunt
Be a man with some manners
Brush up on your grammar
Put on some new slacks
And watch how you act
Or you’ll be the man with no manners
Whose behaviour is abhorrent
Because he ain’t never got learned
In no fucking decorum
_____________________________________

Deja Vue #2
It could happen to you
It already happened
It happened 2 times
It could happen again
___________________

__________________
Rye Catcher II: Electric Boogaloo
http://oldhickory666.blogspot.com/

VEGANGELICA

Hi, asshat,
I especially like the section of the first poem that I've shown in bold because it (amusingly, to me) describes a loner quite well. Have you considered separating the lyrics into two separate songs? The first could be the suicidal cry for help song by the person who doesn't handle rejection well because he's depending on others (his ex, for example) for emotional stability and self-worth. The second could be about the happy-go-lucky reprobate. The reason I ask is that the tone used in the two portions of the first song seems very different: the first part is full of angst/sadness; the second is full of bravado and humor. I chuckled at the "eats peanut butter right off of the spoon," because that seems like such a very tame "reprobate" thing to do!

As for the word choice in these lyrics, I notice you saturate the second stanza with words rhyming with "reprobate": weight, straight, masterbate. You also rhyme "reprobate" with the vowel sounds in "case" and "bathe." The rhyming helps build a feeling of cohesion (and humor) in this stanza. Do you want the meter of the lyrics to flow with approximately equal numbers of syllables per line, or do you prefer it to have less of a rhythmic pattern?

--Erica

asshat

I added the second stanza to balance out the melancholy first paragraph. I actually didn't want to make the first stanza that melancholy--I just wanted a more deadpan description of self-harm...because it becomes too romanticized. The reprobate in the second stanza is the same guy that tried to off himself in the first.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that people view a suicide attempt as a really dramatic event, but it's a lot more banal for the person trying it.(at least for me it was, not trying to add too much baggage to the discussion, but just so I don't seem like an un-empathizing prick)...

As far as rhyming goes, I haven't actually sung these lyrics...and I'm both tone deaf and have no sense of rhythm. I'm trying to find a time when no ones around when I can practice and get a feel for it.

....anyways thanks for the reply erica,
asshat

__________________
Rye Catcher II: Electric Boogaloo
http://oldhickory666.blogspot.com/

VEGANGELICA

Hi, asshat,
Your explantation about how the two parts of the song fit together makes sense to me. I do feel that the first part of the song, describing how trying to kill yourself feels, does sound very much like what I've heard other people in a similar situation describe: the feeling that killing themselves will catch someone's attention, for example, when a romance breaks up. I like the fact that you describe the thoughts one has in that situation very clearly, because probably many people may relate to the description and see themselves in it, realizing the feelings are common and they don't have to follow through with them.

I'm glad you didn't succeed! Without going too much into my details, when I was 16-19 I turned my anger/frustration with myself into self-harm, and so the path people take to get into and out of this way of relating to themselves interests me. In graduate school I had a friend who was intelligent, successful, and beautiful, and she dealt with her childhood sexual abuse by being a "cutter." She cut herself with knives on parts of her body (like her upper thighs) where no one could see, and then butterfly-bandaided the wounds together. In my case, finally divorcing my sense of self-worth from other people's views of me helped me treat myself and my body kindly.

--Erica

asshat

I got some more songs you guys,I appreciated your feedback for the first one, I'd still like your honest(and by honest I mean blunt) opinions. I kept the swears for poetic license, if this creates a problem for moderators, feel free to remove them.

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Tard

Shines your shoes
With a shit eating grin
Picks the horse
Guaranteed to win
If it don't win
He's the collateral
See him at the grand piano

He don't know how to make love
His only love is numbers
This retard, you see, this retard
He helps you win the lottery

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Sister

this guy here
Were all laughing with this guy here
Buy him a beer
Get him real drunk
For later

Wait til the 13th beer
Til he's so so drunk
And can't move around too good
Kick him in the balls
Slap him like a bitch
Right in the kisser
This guy, this guy
Was fuckin with my sister.
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Hands that kill

Hands
These god damn hands
Have killed many a man,man
Hands that kill
See these hands
Killed a man
Performed surgery
Delivered a new born baby
Touched the face of a lady
When these hands kill again
I can't be certain
But for certain they will kill a man,man
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Red Meat

No more red meat
No more privacy in the
World of the 23rd century
There ain't no more god
Three to a pod
Woman/man and single child
That's all that is allowed
And a paste is all the rations that are alloted
And it tastes so shitty
But's thats all that we eat
Cause there's no more red meat
In the 23rd century AD

And the chips in the brains
For prevention of thoughts
Of thoughts about smashing the state
Cause it's been so god damn long
So very long
Since they had a steak on their plate.
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Prison of the mind

Make your mind a prison
It's trip to turn your brain
Into a penitentiary
And where you go
nobody knows

You be the warden and executioner
In your mind
Nobody comes inside
Nobody dares
The walls are covered with slime
And the stench of the ages
Before you die
Just make a trip
To the prison of the mind
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__________________
Rye Catcher II: Electric Boogaloo
http://oldhickory666.blogspot.com/

VeggieLover

I found this one particularly interesting to me just because I've posted a poem on hands too. Very different view points, but in a subtle way the same style. You have a real gift if you can focus your attention. These are excellent poems, but to make them into music you'll have to put in a bit more structure and make them just a bit longer...unless you wanted to break them up a little bit and have them be mostly instrumentals.



I didn't like Tard just because I didn't understand it too well, and I have a particular aversion to the misuse of the word retard, we tend to make it very lighthearted, which its not.

I agree with everyone else that the last stanza of your first poem is very well written. Perhaps if you revised the first stanza a bit to reflect the last one (while still keeping its serious meaning) it would fit together a little better and better convey your point.

__________________
"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

VEGANGELICA

Hey asshat,
I'll review this song since of course it deals with a topic I feel is especially interesting.

First, subject matter: you deal with the issue of free choice and governmental power over society very concisely in your song. As you probably know, China uses economic sanctions currently to try to get urban dwellers to limit the number of children they have to 1 per couple. As a graduate student from China told me, no other country in the world was offering to take care of all their millions of people, so they had to come up with their own solution. You might be interested to know that increasing people's economic stability (such as with social security and retirement income) and health care is one of the best, most effective ways to get people to reduce their number of children without violating what many people view as a human right (the right to have as many children as they want, whether or not they can afford them). So, this population solution that emphasizes using people's own wisdom and freedom of choice is similar to what your song advocates as you show how awful it is when people are not allowed to make choices.

Second, the song structure and rhyming. You used a lot of rhyming and assonance (rhyming of vowel sounds) in the song. I highlighted some of these in bold and with underlines. I feel the rhyming helps hold the song together.

There are two changes I'd recommend and I hope you don't mind my mentioning them. One is to reverse the order of two of your lines to give the following:

But thats all that we eat
In the 23rd century AD
Cause there's no more red meat.

I feel this order makes the rhyming stand out with more strength.

I would also recommend changing "But's thats all that we eat" to "But that's all we get to eat" because to my ear this makes the rhythm of the song flow more smoothly (at least when I say it in my mind in a rap rhythm).

The final portion of the song...

isn't a sentence (there is no verb) and I'm wondering if you wanted it to be one? For example, do you want to say: "And the chips are in the brains" etc.?

--Erica

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Arya Stark

I don't know why. But this line absolutely blew me away.


As for your other pieces:

Maybe I didn't quite understand them or something, but I became a bit bored. Had some of the words been changed, and some of the ideas been altered, I feel I would be able to compare some of the lines closely to nursery rhymes.

"Hands That Kill" is really the only one that caught my eye.

Edit:

When I said that I could compare them to nursery rhymes, I meant these two:

But that was the wrong way to describe it.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
The rhyming just slips the entire idea of the writing into a lull.
And I'm unable to focus on the actual theme.

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MB Journal.
Azucar y Especia. My blog.

kouki

I really liked hands that kill,make that a song like now!I would probly add a cool chorus and thats about it. I found it humorous,is it suppose to be? Especially the part of "have killed many a man,man" (pretty much the second man)

The other two songs I quoted I thought where good too.

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It jiggles when he wiggles-Fez

iron9567

All i have to say about these is that you need to post more stanzas for these because they are to short as they stand when i read them they came off as something that would be the missing stanzas in other work so add some more to them then you would be able to know if these need more work done to them or not
thanks
the iron man

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thanks
The iron man


I don't want to change the world. I just want to make the world colder then the day I came.