these are songs you guys look at my songs!!!
 

the lyrics are seperated by dash____________.I kept the swears for poetic license, if they need to be removed I won't be offended. Be completely frank with me, please!


_____________________________

She’s moved on to something greener
She’s a librarian or ballerina
Who would know
She didn’t have to go
I look out the window pane
The pane breaks cause I smashed it
And I pick up the shard and go straight for the veins
I told her it had to be like this if she ever left me
But she didn’t listen, she said it would be insane
To do some something so childish
Like carving up my wrists for sympathy
I had the foolish notion
That she’d come back through the door
And give me a kiss because
She’d be taking the threats more serious
Than before

If I had a friend they’d tell me to gain
Some weight, get some shuteye
And my priorities straight
Thankfully that’s not the case
I’m free to be a reprobate
Who chronically masturbates
And sleeps well past noon
Doesn’t bathe and eats peanutbutter
Right off of the spoon.
________________________

Practice some fucking decorum
Don’t be a cunt
Be a man with some manners
Brush up on your grammar
Put on some new slacks
And watch how you act
Or you’ll be the man with no manners
Whose behaviour is abhorrent
Because he ain’t never got learned
In no fucking decorum
_____________________________________

Deja Vue #2
It could happen to you
It already happened
It happened 2 times
It could happen again
___________________

Hi, asshat,
I especially like the section of the first poem that I've shown in bold because it (amusingly, to me) describes a loner quite well. Have you considered separating the lyrics into two separate songs? The first could be the suicidal cry for help song by the person who doesn't handle rejection well because he's depending on others (his ex, for example) for emotional stability and self-worth. The second could be about the happy-go-lucky reprobate. The reason I ask is that the tone used in the two portions of the first song seems very different: the first part is full of angst/sadness; the second is full of bravado and humor. I chuckled at the "eats peanut butter right off of the spoon," because that seems like such a very tame "reprobate" thing to do!

As for the word choice in these lyrics, I notice you saturate the second stanza with words rhyming with "reprobate": weight, straight, masterbate. You also rhyme "reprobate" with the vowel sounds in "case" and "bathe." The rhyming helps build a feeling of cohesion (and humor) in this stanza. Do you want the meter of the lyrics to flow with approximately equal numbers of syllables per line, or do you prefer it to have less of a rhythmic pattern?

--Erica

I added the second stanza to balance out the melancholy first paragraph. I actually didn't want to make the first stanza that melancholy--I just wanted a more deadpan description of self-harm...because it becomes too romanticized. The reprobate in the second stanza is the same guy that tried to off himself in the first.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that people view a suicide attempt as a really dramatic event, but it's a lot more banal for the person trying it.(at least for me it was, not trying to add too much baggage to the discussion, but just so I don't seem like an un-empathizing prick)...

As far as rhyming goes, I haven't actually sung these lyrics...and I'm both tone deaf and have no sense of rhythm. I'm trying to find a time when no ones around when I can practice and get a feel for it.

....anyways thanks for the reply erica,
asshat

Cool stuff.

I liked this bit and found it particularly humorous.

thanks man.

I'm trying to break out of the sarcastic prick mold as far as lyrics go but I'm pretty lazy.

Hi, asshat,
Your explantation about how the two parts of the song fit together makes sense to me. I do feel that the first part of the song, describing how trying to kill yourself feels, does sound very much like what I've heard other people in a similar situation describe: the feeling that killing themselves will catch someone's attention, for example, when a romance breaks up. I like the fact that you describe the thoughts one has in that situation very clearly, because probably many people may relate to the description and see themselves in it, realizing the feelings are common and they don't have to follow through with them.

I'm glad you didn't succeed! Without going too much into my details, when I was 16-19 I turned my anger/frustration with myself into self-harm, and so the path people take to get into and out of this way of relating to themselves interests me. In graduate school I had a friend who was intelligent, successful, and beautiful, and she dealt with her childhood sexual abuse by being a "cutter." She cut herself with knives on parts of her body (like her upper thighs) where no one could see, and then butterfly-bandaided the wounds together. In my case, finally divorcing my sense of self-worth from other people's views of me helped me treat myself and my body kindly.

--Erica

I got some more songs you guys,I appreciated your feedback for the first one, I'd still like your honest(and by honest I mean blunt) opinions. I kept the swears for poetic license, if this creates a problem for moderators, feel free to remove them.

________________________________
Tard

Shines your shoes
With a shit eating grin
Picks the horse
Guaranteed to win
If it don't win
He's the collateral
See him at the grand piano

He don't know how to make love
His only love is numbers
This retard, you see, this retard
He helps you win the lottery

__________________________
Sister

this guy here
Were all laughing with this guy here
Buy him a beer
Get him real drunk
For later

Wait til the 13th beer
Til he's so so drunk
And can't move around too good
Kick him in the balls
Slap him like a bitch
Right in the kisser
This guy, this guy
Was fuckin with my sister.
_____________________________
Hands that kill

Hands
These god damn hands
Have killed many a man,man
Hands that kill
See these hands
Killed a man
Performed surgery
Delivered a new born baby
Touched the face of a lady
When these hands kill again
I can't be certain
But for certain they will kill a man,man
__________________
Red Meat

No more red meat
No more privacy in the
World of the 23rd century
There ain't no more god
Three to a pod
Woman/man and single child
That's all that is allowed
And a paste is all the rations that are alloted
And it tastes so shitty
But's thats all that we eat
Cause there's no more red meat
In the 23rd century AD

And the chips in the brains
For prevention of thoughts
Of thoughts about smashing the state
Cause it's been so god damn long
So very long
Since they had a steak on their plate.
___________________________
Prison of the mind

Make your mind a prison
It's trip to turn your brain
Into a penitentiary
And where you go
nobody knows

You be the warden and executioner
In your mind
Nobody comes inside
Nobody dares
The walls are covered with slime
And the stench of the ages
Before you die
Just make a trip
To the prison of the mind
___________________________________

I found this one particularly interesting to me just because I've posted a poem on hands too. Very different view points, but in a subtle way the same style. You have a real gift if you can focus your attention. These are excellent poems, but to make them into music you'll have to put in a bit more structure and make them just a bit longer...unless you wanted to break them up a little bit and have them be mostly instrumentals.



I didn't like Tard just because I didn't understand it too well, and I have a particular aversion to the misuse of the word retard, we tend to make it very lighthearted, which its not.

I agree with everyone else that the last stanza of your first poem is very well written. Perhaps if you revised the first stanza a bit to reflect the last one (while still keeping its serious meaning) it would fit together a little better and better convey your point.

you have an interesting sense of humor--and very ironic at that. You know how to write, that much is true, but you have to stray away from words whose meaning can be... illiterate in a sense. When I hear the word tard, I think of that little ******* kid who live in my nieghborhood when I was 7 calling everyone a tard--in fact, he's the only one in any sort of recent memory I've heard use the word.

That's my problem with it, but other than that, your poems are quite interesting... just never put this to hardcore, grind core, or any of that cheesy hard rock that licenses itself to the influence of Zepplin (of course, none are close to Led in any way--which is why it's a genre that has been exhausted in my mind.) Your too talented a writer to fall in the wake of something musically that's already been done and redone enough to've made it's point already.

peace,
-nick

"tard" is about an idiot savant type guy,(sort of like the rainman), he's socially inept and can barely function, but he can play the piano really well, and he's a mathematical genius.(like the rainman, if you took him to a casino you get big winnings).

"tard" is a stew of all those retard genius stereotypes.(as good luck charm, as skilled pianist, as mathematical genius).I think I watched this show this show or movie about a gangster who uses his mentally challenged brother in a game of dice or something. "tard" is just a working title, so don't be too offended.

...anyways I really appreciate your commentary guys!:yeah:

...I think I might have ripped off the talking heads with the hand song.

Hey asshat,
I'll review this song since of course it deals with a topic I feel is especially interesting.

First, subject matter: you deal with the issue of free choice and governmental power over society very concisely in your song. As you probably know, China uses economic sanctions currently to try to get urban dwellers to limit the number of children they have to 1 per couple. As a graduate student from China told me, no other country in the world was offering to take care of all their millions of people, so they had to come up with their own solution. You might be interested to know that increasing people's economic stability (such as with social security and retirement income) and health care is one of the best, most effective ways to get people to reduce their number of children without violating what many people view as a human right (the right to have as many children as they want, whether or not they can afford them). So, this population solution that emphasizes using people's own wisdom and freedom of choice is similar to what your song advocates as you show how awful it is when people are not allowed to make choices.

Second, the song structure and rhyming. You used a lot of rhyming and assonance (rhyming of vowel sounds) in the song. I highlighted some of these in bold and with underlines. I feel the rhyming helps hold the song together.

There are two changes I'd recommend and I hope you don't mind my mentioning them. One is to reverse the order of two of your lines to give the following:

But thats all that we eat
In the 23rd century AD
Cause there's no more red meat.

I feel this order makes the rhyming stand out with more strength.

I would also recommend changing "But's thats all that we eat" to "But that's all we get to eat" because to my ear this makes the rhythm of the song flow more smoothly (at least when I say it in my mind in a rap rhythm).

The final portion of the song...

isn't a sentence (there is no verb) and I'm wondering if you wanted it to be one? For example, do you want to say: "And the chips are in the brains" etc.?

--Erica

.....I suppose...to be honest it was based on a bunch of sci-fi cliches....like soylent green which is one of my favorite movies.I suppose China is eerily similar to a lot of the fictional dystopias. It's not so much a critique as an inevitability...we won't be able to live as luxuriously as we do now...red meat's not very healthy and they probably will come up with an abundant and nutritious paste.

I wish I could offer your level of critique, thank you erica.:)

I don't know why. But this line absolutely blew me away.


As for your other pieces:

Maybe I didn't quite understand them or something, but I became a bit bored. Had some of the words been changed, and some of the ideas been altered, I feel I would be able to compare some of the lines closely to nursery rhymes.

"Hands That Kill" is really the only one that caught my eye.

Edit:

When I said that I could compare them to nursery rhymes, I meant these two:

But that was the wrong way to describe it.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
The rhyming just slips the entire idea of the writing into a lull.
And I'm unable to focus on the actual theme.

"these are songs you guys look at my songs!!!" is back, so look at my songs yous guys...and be blunt.
I'll provide explanations if needed...you can pick one or too you feel needs explaining.

_____________________________________________

He's fallen into a state of disrepair
He eats peanut butter and jelly
Made from apricots and pears
The only clothes of his own
Is his underwear,
They brought from home
Loafers, no laces
And on his face is a
Thousand yard stare

What did he do to be put
In this place?
What's with the
s*it eating grin on his face?

He's not going to talk,
Like hes done had a stroke
And all he does is smoke
And he pissed hiself
Christ, clean it up
No, he's not going home
Just leave him alone
To stare like a pussy
That isn't all there
__________________________________________________

I've lived my whole life
Haven't touched a single kid
But you'd almost think I did
Cause me and him
Are treated the same
Except his house was
Engulfed in flames

And all my time spent
Not commiting sex crimes
Has left me in the same bind
As the guy that touched those kids
.....That I never did that is immaterial
They need someone new to blame
After that kid-lover died
When they set his house aflame
_________________________________________
It takes time to digest
A labour intensive joke
Can't see how it would appeal
To anyone but you
Or someone who does the same
messed up things you do
It's more like a task
That takes a toll
When I'm trying to laugh
_______________________________
Shouting obscenities
For no particular reason
Someone had to learn something
He was trying to make a point
To who, I don't know
Whoever it was
Those pricks where taught
A lesson they soon forgot
The louder you shout
Makes it more legit
The more swears you use
Means it's serious s*it

____________________________________________

Absolute neutrality
Pertains to everything
I no longer have opinions
On anything
Don't ask me
Cause I don't give a F(ck
Don't ask me that
Cause I really don't care

I don't have the authority
To form an opinion
Doesn't concern me
Don't give a S)it
Could not give a care
Or take a f*ck
Or meaning
Considering that thing
You were talking
bout
doing
What?
_____________________________________________

Hello again, "these are songs you guys look at my songs!!!"

The first poem seems to be about a person in an insane asylum, and struck me as sad because of the critical way in which the man is viewed, as if he were repellent. It included interesting details that appeal to me (the type of food, the loafers, the urination). They make the poem feel very solid and specific to me...very physical. The "obsenities" poem, I feel, describes how people sometimes seem to think (incorrectly) that the more swearwords they use, the more likely the listener is to be convinced of something. The final poem, "Neutality," is, I think, a criticism of how people can be indifferent and uninvolved in life around them. I thought that following up a poem about unnecessary swearing with a poem in which there are unnecessary swearwords (shit and fuck) was amusing, as if the second poem is an example of the first.

Asshat, what I find especially interesting about these short works is the viewpoint of the speaker in them, which to me sometimes seems to be different than your own (the writer's). For example, your poem about the man soiling himself seems to show the viewer of the man feeling curiosity and some disgust, which may or may not be what *you* actually feel about this man (who I assume is imagined...or did you actually see someone like that?). The viewpoint of the "Disrepair" poem seems to be that of a worker in the facility, as well as some curious, uninvolved onlooker or visitor.

Similarly, I interpret the final poem ("Neutrality") as a condemnation of someone who has no opinions and can't be bothered to learn enough about what is outside of himself to form them. So, I assume you, as the author, actually have opinions and are writing as you might if you were a person who had none. I like the dissonance between the viewpoint presented in the poems and that which I assume the author has. I also like the ironic tone that I, at least, hear in some of the poems, such as when you write:

Of course, maybe you *are* just writing your own thoughts and views directly in the poems! Do my interpretations of the poems seem very different from what you intended them to say?

--Veg

Are you writing to a beat? Or a song? Or what?

I honestly have no clue....the neutrality song was sort of meant to taper off like that at the end.

I guess I'll give you a run down.

1st poem-

It's about a guy in pysc ward-(I was in a pysc ward but never fouled myself)...The first stanza or two is more general. The third stanza is the people who work in the ward that have to deal with this guy. I don't necessarily feel any disgust towards this guy...I'm just trying to give a more vivid impression.I thinks there's a mixture of pity, compassion, and disgust when dealing with any down and out person.

2nd poem-

....isn't about swearing so much as irrational anger....I guess it would be like a loud rambling homeless guy...he's pissed off about something and wants to be heard, but nobody really understands what he's pissed off about so they just ignore him.Even if what he's getting pissed off at is completely bizzare or incomprehensible...it's a completely normal reason to get pissed off for him.

3rd poem-

This isn't any kind of statement...I honestly don't give a ****.

Taper off?

You have supreme music writing skills. No boring repeats that sound as if your head is stuck between a rail.

It's disgusting(?) how many pigs you kill where you live. But, nothing to eat. Marvin *** is good for this.

Marvin's name starts with G and ends with y, the songs Mercy, mercy and I heard it through the grapevine start a collection of intriguing or up beat soul tunes. It has three letters that evidently match the censored description of a hormone imbalance.

Just edit your posts.

You don't have to post something new everytime.

I don't have the authority
To form an opinion
Doesn't concern me
Don't give a S)it
Could not give a care
Or take a f*ck
Or meaning
Considering that thing
You were talking
bout
doing
What?


that's the tapering off I guess.

I really like your style of writing.

Screw you Asshat for being better than me.

It doesn't take much to be better than me.

Still... *sigh* as a note, you don't really have to sing this. You can go the route of the hot snakes and just scream it like your trying to start a riot. I love the Hot Snakes.

peace,
-nick

....no you're better, half of my stuff is plagiarized unknowingly.
Thank you though.

...my way of singing is to speak with a slur so people can't make out what I'm saying.

Record it!!!

....welcome to the terrordome!!!
Here are more poems, I wrote them even faster.

__________________________________________________ _______

Don't underestimate
The pain
Of forgetting the s#it
That was said 4 seconds ago
This problem has being going
On for five years or more
When I blacked out,
Declared me legally dead
But later revived
They gave me a clean bill of health
Or touched in the head
But at least I survived

I don't need to explain
What I said
The syntax is there
So who the hell cares
About my inflection
When I hear a rainbow
I got an erection
__________________________________________________ ______________
'For time begin
We dance in the thyme
We dance in the wind
We had no clothes
Made love in streams
Before I became
A big hate machine

The man came
Stuck a frown on my face
Now I am just an engine of hate

Now I am out to destroy
All the music I once enjoy
Now I smash
And Destroy your lute
And kill all the colours
And spit in your flute
Now I make, I make
You feel shame
For wearing no clothes
And dancing all day

Now I am an engine of hate
Now I am, I am totally lame
__________________________________________________ ________

I am inclined to fail
That's why I'm still here
Cause the plans were derailed
I took the right dose
And I drank lots of wine
But I woke up for work
Just around the same time
And time is money
Even if I'm seeing s@it
And acting funnily
I did call in sick
He didn't think it was legit
Some parts
I shouldn't have omit
__________________________________________________ __________

I like the sound
And it get's me off
Cause I'm digging a hole
When I'm hoeing the grass
Cause I like the look
And feel of it
When I'm sayin' it
For the sake of saying
more s_it
It's as g@y as a two dollar pistol
It's as vain as the leaf on the branch
Was lame as 4 dollar whore
Before the ides of march
Burned a hole in the floor
And tore a rip in your pants.

________________________________________________

It's me and mine
That's you and yours
Just get it straight
Don't touch my stuff
And it'll be great
When you mess with my stuff
You send a message
And the message is such
that i get the impression
that you only care about things
and not about other human beings
And you slapped me about
cause I'm not up to snuff
when you mess with my stuff.

I really liked hands that kill,make that a song like now!I would probly add a cool chorus and thats about it. I found it humorous,is it suppose to be? Especially the part of "have killed many a man,man" (pretty much the second man)

The other two songs I quoted I thought where good too.

Eh, I'm not as fond of these poems as I was with the other ones. I didn't feel a beat, and the songs writing wasn't as creative. I'm a little disappointed, sorry.

mach 4...these are my songs guys!...s'mores.

You told me everyones contribution
Was equal,
You promised,
You lied,
My poem was jive
And you gave me some reasons
Because this poem came
off as non-nonsensical
and had no rhythmic devices
To entice a person long enough
To sit through it
And there was too much vulgar language
That seemed to serve no purpose what so ever
But you still appreciated my effort
Because I am part of the rainbow
Of diverse thoughts and ****
And everybodies worth
Your time, even if it does not ryhme
And does nothing but confuse you
As what the intentions are
In this particular case
You had no clue
Because there was none
I concede, I wrote it cause
I'm really alone,
And if you think that it's art
Than I could laid
Even though I put no thought into it
__________________________________________________ __
Blackout
Block the feelings out
With three coats of paint
2 coats of black
And one coat of grey
Four walls with no windows
And garbage bag drapes
Paint the cracks
No colours anymore
Don`t paint it lilac
__________________________________________________ _-
The first time
First time you cross that line
I can dismiss you outright
Just prooves I'm not mean
Cause I gave you a chance
And it's all coming true
That my hunch was right
The moment I saw you
I'll just give you the chance
The chance to prove my
Prejudices were spot on
It took some provocation
And lax interpretation
I had to lead you on
A little
And little by little
I just needed a little
Cause it speaks louder
than actions speak louder
than words
______________________________________________
you will be dressed down
Don`t dish what you
Can`t take
That was a fake!
We`ll yell at you
That's what we do
My virgin ears!
Assault on both ears!
You hear that loud
You hear it clear
In crisp high fidelity
In both ears!
And out the other ear
Cause it don't stick
And I'll be around
For another round
to dress you down.
_____________________________________________

The song contradicts is lyrics, but it's done in a way that is poetic.

I like it

....not that I'm necessarily entitled to anything, but it seems like you don't give a **** about what you just said and it could be interchangeable with any of the one-sentence criticisms you've offered other people.

This isn't a compliment club, so f-off.