TheRomanticDude

Ok so i wrote this song last night for a girl that i really like but her dad wont let me date her but yeah here it is...

If i had it my way, We'd be so in love and You'd put your hands in mine
If i had it my way, We would run away and We'd leave this town behind
On the bad days, We would never fight, Cause we'd have the best in mind

We'd have sleepless nights, Watch the nothern lights
We'll laugh at those who say we're unprepared, We wont let this trust
Take a hold of us we'll hold our fortunes close when things
Get hard to bare

Take a photograph but it wont be the last
Cause we'll have to much to share
And we'll make it through the things we have to do
And we'll stay strong when lifes unfair
And when we bine our hands when our lifes began
Then our story never ends, This kind of love is so divine
Please just keep my dream in mind

We'd have sleepless nights, Watch the nothern lights
We'll laugh at those who say we're unprepared, We wont let this trust
Take a hold of us we'll hold our fortunes close when things
Get hard to bare

We'd have sleepless nights, Watch the nothern lights
We'll laugh at those who say we're unprepared...

Nicktarist

I'm going to go through and crit if you don't mind

It could be changed to

What you had was rather um... lame. Sorry

you could actually extend that metaphor to

I've said this a million times to a million people, but metaphors are meant to be extended in songs. you can't just leave them at that (but you didn't make the metaphor in the first place, so it's okay)

That's a niave lie--change it.

Nothing really rhymes here. Sometimes it's okay for a song not to rhyme, but your meaning is too standard not to. I would recommend this rhyming dictionary. Start working through your song and trying to fit things into place.

Before you continue though, I'd read 'Hallelujah' by Leonard Cohen and really work through it's meaning. It might help you out a bit with your lady friend here.

Another read is Jeff Tweedy's 'I'm the Man who Loves You'. He uses some interesting techniques to grab your attention to his dilemma, which is similar to yours with the exception that she left him because of his drug issues.

I hope that helps you. It's good, but still needs work