Nicktarist's Songs, Music, and Used Clothes
 

My Songwriting Thread :clap: :D and some used clothes

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I'm gonna step out on a limb here and post a new song anyway. I've been working on this one for a little bit. More of a social issue than a story, I bring you:

Speaking in Tongues

That letter you wrote me has nothing to say,
It just sits in the corner ‘till I hear it say ‘hey!’
I don’t want to ignore you, I can’t stand to hear you talk
You’ve never said anything that means anything at all

You’ve lost your intentions, or the words between your words
every hand has shown a blessing, every tongue has shown a curse
the sound of that noise sounds like a squawking flock of birds
that trick me to look the other way just to get to into my mind

Oh stop, just stop
the noise is the last of me

every word that’s said
tears me to knee
‘till every bone in my body
is begging to see the other me
and leave me with my misery

Oh me? I’ve said some pretty terrible things
Leaving the expressions to the ones with the rings
I can't ignore the things I say, or the people I step on
it's the power I find in enactinging my own judgement

I’ve lost my intentions, or the words between my words
My hand has shown no blessing; my tongue has proved, a curse
the sound of my noise sounds like a squawking flock of birds
that trick you to look the other way, just to get to your mind

Please stop, don't talk
the noise is the end of me

every word that’s said
tears me to knee
‘till every bone in my body
is begging to see the other me
and leave me in my misery

I'm leaning more towards Johnny Cash with my writing style, but it still has a long way to go. I'm stuck trying to make the song serious without creating another angsty teen song.

peace,
-nick

cool man

Here's another in a more standard form --Limerick, I bring you:

note: I changed the poem up due to the fact that I got actual critiques about the inconsistant rythm. More changes are obviously necessary because some lines simply don't flow, even with an even syllable count. The stresses aren't consistant enough, in other words.

Madman's War (working title)

long hours a day, we’d work in the bay (10)
fishing the sea ‘till the sea said no more (10)
payed by a chap (4)
(in a) very tall cap (6)
Waking the hours that dragged on the floor (10)

a soldier appeared from the haze n’ fog (10)
bantering about a man and his war (10)
wringing his hands (4)
(like he) knew all the plans (6)
he then went insane and sank to the floor (10)

He woke the next day, he woke with a fright (10)
left in the morning with a forewarning (10)
they will find you (4)
(know this) single taboo (6)
stirring the dust; the wake of his warring (10)

To our dismay, his augury was right
when we found his cold indicative war
they soon reached us (4)
(but i) always regress (6)
I already knew to leave before (10)

I didn’t hear much about that dark day (10)
I decided to come back years later (10)
great destruction (4)
(of my) own volition (6)
to show that leaving proved me a traitor (10)

If only my family could see me now (10)
I had grown up allot in fourteen years (10)
I have regrets (4)
(for my) lamenting debts (6)
to the ones who died because of my fears (10)

peace,
-nick

This was an expiriment with Free verse style --more in reference to Kim Gordon's prose in the beginning of Teen Age Riot (as mentioned in the poem). I bring you:

Something? Nevermind

Stop, don’t stop, maybe
can’t make up my mind?
is there something?
there’s something
I know there’s something
maybe there’s something
no, it’s nothing
nevermind, it wasn’t something
something was nothing
nevermind, it wasn’t something
nothing can’t be something
there was something
I just never saw anything
so it’s nothing
at least in my mind
it’s nothing
nevermind
nevermind

I had a dream
the other night?
of a mansion
yeah, it was a mansion
deep in the sea
except it was above the sea
that sounds right, above the sea
I walked over a bridge
after, or before it collapsed?
it was before, that’s right
before

I opened the door,
or the door opened itself
or it opened me to the mansion
that was inside the mansion
I told you it was a mansion
don’t loose yourself

There were colorfully dressed men
I questioned them bluntly
at least in my mind
I think it was in my mind
yeah, it was in my mind

They performed a dance number
it was a Thom song
Or was it Kim Gordon?
I didn’t know you could dance to that
at least not until now

In the middle of the music
we were attacked by a large hand
it was a large hand
in the palm was a mouth
looked like the muscles were cut out
and replaced with a mouth
yeah, it was a mouth
was it something?
no, it was nothing
but, nothing can’t be something
something can be nothing
and in this case,
nothing was something
it was a dreadful hand
nevermind
nevermind

a hand you couldn’t avoid
at least until you avoided it

we ran through the house until we lost the hand
the hand was actually a fish
I didn’t mention that did I?
yeah, it was a fish
with a mouth in it’s palm
and eyes on each finger

on our way through the mansion
I saw a girl
she was in a coffin
a cold coffin
a frozen coffin
she was alive
or maybe she wasn’t
she wasn’t
remember this is a dream
but she might be

the men dragged me by the hand
I was transfixed
or was it me who dragged them?
yeah, it was them who dragged me
I was transfixed

I didn’t know what to do
I climbed lower and lower
into a dark room
we huddled in the darkness
there was nothing there
except the girl
the girl in the coffin
she was calling
calling to me
me

I didn’t know what to do
I left and found her again
she was awake
but not really
kind of awake
I woke her
I pulled her out of the coffin
she looked at me
and then looked down
did she look down?
yeah, she looked down
she disappeared
I never saw her again
again
again?
yeah, again
I never saw her again

is there something?
there’s something
I know there’s something
maybe there’s something
no, it’s nothing
nevermind, it wasn’t something
something was nothing
nevermind, it wasn’t something
nothing can’t be something
there was something
I just never saw anything
so it’s nothing
at least in my mind
it’s nothing
nevermind
nevermind

This one is a more straightforward. I kept it alittle vague, and I might elaborate later, but I'm gonna wait till I find the time:

Brother, They Lie

Brother are you, awake now?
I’ve had this sickening dream
I jumped over hell; wet brow
I just could not breath or scream

Brother, you were standing
outside the house staring upwards
Losing ground notwithstanding
I don’t want to lose your mind--

mind outside
brother, they lie

(Brother) Remember when you found me
hidden in the closet corner
I lost my mind, completely
the incomplete foreigner

You told me they had nothing
to do with our purpose
that they were a dead spring
that stands on the ends of our toes (??)


Brother were have, you gone now?
college is nice, I suppose
standing out on, the thick bow
of a tree that never glows

I’ve lost my way, somehow
I need someone to tell me why
I’ve lost my mind to them now
I am living in one great lie

Lie, they lie
brother, they lie

Brother I know, I was wrong
I will not argue anymore
your shadow doesn’t belong
to my future anymore

You told me they had nothing
to do with our purpose
that they were a dead spring
that stands on the ends of our toes (??)

Lie, they lie
brother, they lie
Lie, they lie
brother, they lie

I'm iffy about this one. Probably will rewrite it altogether when I have the chance.

This was me working on repetition, but I also wanted to squeeze some philosophy into it. Obviously, this one was an expiriment:

Wrong (Right)

If man’s morals are justified,
than how do we interpret our wrongs
if we can only think alongside
the lines of our replaceable songs

Wrong wouldn’t be wrong and wronging
someone else would be ethical
because we decide our prize ring
held up by our very low morale

Why is there chaos when the definition is lost
Why is there chaos when the line is crossed
Why is there chaos when the rules are tossed
losing that line comes at a terrible cost

So if there is a defined law
that says “Murder is very Wrong”
written by one without flaw
How do we know he’s not wrong?

He might not do wrong to his
standard, but he might be wrong
by the 5th dimension which does
not approve with his right and wrong

In fact, his definition of
wrong could be wrong simply
by virtue of the fact thereof
that defining morals isn’t free

So, If I can’t demarcate right
why does it feel right to define
what is wrong? Why is there height
on the right walls of malign

Why is there chaos when the definition is lost
Why is there chaos when the line is crossed
Why is there chaos when the rules are tossed
losing that line comes at a terrible cost

I feel that your pieces are very Nursery-Rhyme-like...

Thank you!

Nursery rhymes are simply witty statements that can easily become quite technical. Your obviously drawing that conclusion from Right (Wrong) and Madman's War both of which use standard nursery rhyme techniques (limericks and repetition of thought).

Andrew Bird, in fact, uses the same techniques as me. His song "Tenuousness" is very nursery-rhyme like in the way he uses assonance and consonance in his music. :dj:

peace,
-nick

Updated madman's war

Here's another one that was just me messin' around with some funny stories that have happened to me mixted with some allusions towards other artists (like the small room big room pattern is used by Jack White in one of his songs). I bring you:

Dyin’ in the Slums of Queens

Try livin’ your life in a little room
nothing there but a little bed and broom
when you get to a larger room
you miss your little bed and and even smaller broom

Try makin’ a smile towards a little lady
cringing back she calls you a little shady
your friend tells you that she’s his lady
so you’ve just proved that your his matey!

It’s called dyin’ in the slums of queens

Try livin’ your life in an endless dream
you wake up again in the same old theme
it's not as hard as it seems, at least to scream
when you find yourself listenin' to my low esteem

Try arguing with your little boss
always forcing you to work at your own cost
when you get to a larger boss
you kinda miss the old boss that’s not nearly quite as cross

It’s called dyin’ in the slums of queens

Your sittin’ in a bar til the tender asks you
“have you eva heard the deadly killa yellow flu?”
You say “No I haven’t, but I won’t pursue
by drinkin’ your repulsive, rotten, foul brew”

It’s called dyin’ in the slums of queens
no one knows what it’s like to be me

The rythm on this one has been hammered out pretty relentlessly, so any recommended changes must fall within the same syllable count.

Very good (sorry i couldn't give one of your long smart responses)

If I were to ask for any critique, it would be on which lines seem cliché
, or just don't flow to you.

I feel obligated to give critique back so...

I think that many of these songs come off as too informal. I know that will sound weird but I don't feel like I am reading the lyrics to a song. Also, for your last one, rhyming in the excess can get very dreary. I think you are walking on a slippery slope when you talk to directly to someone, can come off as amazing or not.

You also seem to write your songs as sentences and then tweak them. I can't tell if they come out good, but I think it is very hard to make it flow and fit it into the music.

cheers

haha, that one was certainly an expiriment. I did write that as s straight up expiriment. I never really felt any emotional connection to the song because it's downright messy in every resepect.

really? I'll see what I can do to change that. It was a difficult song, and while I still think it has some good ideas, I don't think it will look anything like that in the end. Thanks for pointing that out.

peace,
-nick

Time for a new one. Right now this is just a bunch of verses or stanzas-whatever you wanna call them. I'll be stinking a chorus to it soon and shaving off some unnecessary verses, so most critiques should be around the metaphors right now.

I know this grounds been walked on
finden yourself is hard
My worth is already gone
singin' songs like a drunken bard

Tryin' to find new pockets
for me to stuff my hands
amid trinkets; a locket
with a picture of the sand

tried lookin' under benches
I might be hiding there
among the tools and wrenches
awkardly, they stare

love was just too much for me
germs are not my friends
my acquaintances got married
4 kids and 7 hens

I turned to the sounds of nature
-I turned the machine down
it was just a damn noisemaker
made too much extra sound

Beat up ben at age 5'
he teased me just the same
fighting never kept me alive
it came off as too lame

If God is not my answer
on the table with which we dined
staring at a lantern
will leave your blue eyes blind

Clichés are very boring
and they into your skin
it's the bug with which I'm warring
and I don't think I can win

In the bustle I am sitting
could you call me out by name
at the table I am writing
could you write down all my shame

I'll leave my life and blind lies
before it goes up in smoke
I'm nothing but a lord of highs
living in a comfy yoke

:)

Thanks for reading.

Makes me think of someone who's living on the streets. its very good, what genre?

Folk/Americana. Think more complex melodies over simple chord progressions with a sort of Nick Drake aesthetic. I suppose I should start posting mp3s of my songs with each post.

You don't have to do it with each post, just a few so people can understand what kinda music style you are (and because they might like it)

Hi, Nicktarist,
I've been reading through your lyrics/poems and would like to share a few suggestions for "Madman's War," although perhaps you've already worked out solutions to the occasional inconsistent stresses.

First, though, I want to say that I understand the challenge you undertake when you have a rhyme scheme into which you are fitting the concept of a piece, since this added constraint makes it much harder to write a poem (I feel)! Since I enjoy rhyming, it is especially fun for me to read the work of other people who like rhyming, too.

I will print my suggestions in bold and in parentheses beneath your actual lines.

So, here would be my revised version:

Long hours a day, we’d work in the bay, (10)
fishing the sea ‘till the sea said no more, (10)
payed by a chap (4)
(in a) very tall cap, (6)
waking the hours that dragged on the floor. (10)

A soldier appeared from the haze n’ fog (10)
and bantered about a man and his war.
He wrung his hands
(like he) knew all the plans (6)
then, going insane, he sank to the shore.

He woke the next day, he woke with a fright, (10)
left in the morning with a forewarning: (10)
you will be found
and you'll die on this ground,
stirring the dust, the wake of his warring. (10)

To our vast dismay his prescience was right.
When we found his cold indicative war
they soon reached us (4)
(but i) always regress (6)
for I already knew to leave before.

I never heard much about that dark day.
I decided to come back years later. (10)
Great destruction (4)
(of my) own volition (6)
showed me leaving had proved me a traitor.

If only my family could see me now. (10)
I have grown up a lot in fourteen years.
I have regrets, (4)
still lamenting my debts
to the ones who died because of my fears. (10)

Two questions I have are about word meanings. What do you mean precisely when you say the war is "indicative?" When you write, "I always regress," do you mean "I always retreat?" It wasn't clear to me what was meant exactly by those two parts of the poem.

I hope this helps!
--Erica

There's some nice rephrasing there. I thank you for your critique--however, we threw the lyrics out. :( I'll get you another song to thuroughly critique....sometime...in the distant future. :D

Ah, well, win some, lose some! You are welcome, though, anyway. It was fun to think about someone else's lyrics rather than my own for a while. When you mention "we," who are part of your we, and do you work on your lyrics together? --Erica

My older brother. I asked him to tag along because he adds a nice wieght to my music.

That's nice that you can work as a team making music. I am always impressed when people create music together, especially lyrics, since in my experience two different people can have two very different visions for where they'd like a song to go!
--Erica

haven't written in a while--so I thought I should warm up a bit before I went back and rewrote some songs, and started new ones.

I was searching through some torn papers
finding old songs of sin, doubt, n' hate
running along the floor like vapours
in an effort to avoid their fate

I haven't written for a long time
though if you bottle it up inside
it will come back up spouting new rhyms
driving your pen for a quick joy ride

but there are things I should be doing
cleaning my room, or reading that book
though I'd like to indulge a little:
thanks for giving my lyrics a look

feel free to rip it to shreds.

peace out,
-nick

Sorry dude, but that one particular line just sounds kinda awkward to me. I dunno, man. Otherwise though, it was pretty decent! :D

yeah, that doesn't sound right. Let's see.

What rhymes with 'ide'... Lied, fried, hide, confide, died, outside, snide

or
or
xD

Go with the third one! Third one! Nah, but you did fix that up pretty good man, great job. :yeah:

Eh, It's still terrible, but after a couple of rewrites, I think it's ready to be torn apart.

Do you sometimes feel
like the sky is kinda falling
your friends aren't really real
Crawling in the prize ring

Is there a single guide
that tells you how to move
the train off it's side
and back into the groove

Is your life like a test?
that for now you've failed
at least you can rest
while the train is derailed

You have nothing to fear
nothing to doubt
nothing to fear
nothing at all

It's just a feeling
just a feeling

peace,
-nick

I had a friend with no hat and no shoes
I asked him if "there was somewhere to go to"
her replied "not until someone gives me some food"
"for now I'll sit 'til the night sky is due"

--some more practice... my poetry seems more and more generic everyday. :(

I didn't ask for the -isms of perfection
or the (layers upon layers) of ill-conceived contention
I just wanted you to drop the mask for a (single) second
but you've let yourself along as a force to be reckoned

Oh your not real, but an illusion to me now
fading through the hallways (always) singing [so] loud
your a contradiction of everything I thought I knew
It angers me in a way that your the favorite few

Do you really care about the things that you so advocate?
Or is there power in the robe that dictate's
your a contradiction of everything I thought I knew
I'll take off the mask because I'm hiding something too

I detest you because I'm afraid it's in me
(what) travels like a sickly disease
Why do I have to prove myself to you
I think you hate me because your afraid it's got you too.

grrr. I need to start taking my own advice.

This one is unfinished (as there are some stanzas to be written before and after this). I don't want to finish it and find that something foundational in the song is wrong.

The story itself was inspired by Persig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance when he wrote about a man who had no access to his own senses until he would be 18 (hypothetically of course)--he used this in his defense of Immanuel Kant's a priori concept. I simply decided to pull that concept and tell a story about it. I also pulled the name 'Estelle' from Great Expectations (yes I'm reading the book right now---or I probably could be...)

---In his mind he made a world
based of the things he knew
only he could walk and talk
as things unfurled,
he could love another too

As to who she was
he was never quite certain
but he thought give her a name
---"Estelle" from the fuzz
as helifted her chin
"Why do you cry, there's nothing to shame"

He composed himself neatly
(hiding the gap in his leg)
as it was his life's fee
it's one we will all pay
so that we can stay
inside the yoke of an egg

yes, he knew there was more
a world of it's own
a dimension of a differant understanding
---but he was locked behind a door
a golden doorknob it shown
a spaceship parked on a landing

He said one day
"I'll open that door"
"If it's that last thing I do"
"I know I should stay"
"But I'm restless for more"
"The ship is way past due"

Folk like--and as someone said earlier in this thread, very nursery rhyme like. Unfortunately, that's one cage I'll never be able to escape.
(Now, I'll ask again)
are there any strange lines or foundational problems?

peace,
-nick

K, i just read through all your lyrics and there are a few things that stand out consistantly.
#1- please take the time to read through the lyrics you just typed before you hit the "post" button. There are several instances where I wasnt really sure what you meant because of a typo (at least i think they were typos...) I think we could all take this advice...me included
#2- the rhymes... I love your rhyming/writing style, but as we got a chance to see, making a list of rhyming words and making lines out of them doesn't exactly make for a consice subject.

As to who she was
he was never quite certain
but he thought give her a name
---"Estelle" from the fuzz
as helifted her chin
"Why do you cry, there's nothing to shame"

This is an example. You built the first 3 lines well, but then, in an effort to rhyme, you kind of butchered the rythem and line of thought. I understand "fuzz" to be refering to a fuzz of conciousness perhaps? But then, the reference to the chin makes me think she has a fuzzy chin (like a peach lol).

Then, in the last line you force another rhyme. Shame certianly rhymes with name, and it fits with the concept, but you're using it as an infinitive when its a noun or a common verb. Poetry can play with structure to an extent, but not that much. You do that several times in your other poems too, but you'll have to find them yourself, I'm not good enough at using MB.com to do it efficiantly.

You also use a lot of "big words" at the end of lines, another indicator of forced rhyming. I'm not saying to avoid these words, but be careful not to use them just to get the rhyme you want or just for the sake of using them. If they are out of context (which they may or may not be) it confuses the meaning of the song and makes it seem a little brainy...something the average listener cannot even begin to connect with. It is however refreshing seeing someone use these words at all, so keep up the good work.


My favorite lyrics by far were "Something, Nevermind". It had a few rough spots just reading it out, but I'm sure set to music they virtually disappear. The concept was original, playful with a morbid background, good rhyme scheme, and just repetitive enough to define it from an intellectual poem. I'm not sure you should restrict yourself to the style you're used to writing. You do well with the nursery rhyme style...maybe embrace that a bit more in your subject matter. Jonney Cash is great, but he's him and not you.

suprisingly, that's how I wrote my older songs--this particular song sort of flowed, and when said to my rhythm there's not a single word out of place (this due to the fact that it somehow turns into a Limerick. That's definately my fault; however, and, when I post the finished song itself, I'll see about it's consistancy.

It feels forced to you? I honestly haven't opened up a thesaraus for a poem in months (as my only thesaraus is on the computer, but I write it out with pen). That's sort of become my own dialouge. But, if it feels forced, I'll stick to smaller words.

You really enjoyed that song? That was the most fun to write because I wasn't sticking to anyone else's model and it carried out a specific idea I had like I liked. (not to mention I wrote it based on what came out of my mouth) Nobody commented on it, so I assumed nobody really cared about it. I'll try and expand the model itself a bit--just write a bit more in that mindset.

thank you greatly for the comment, you don't know how much it means to me.

peace,
-nick

no problem! I didn't mean to say that the use of more sophisticated vocabulary takes away from the poem, because it doesn't. What I meant is that in a few instances, they do seem forced.

These are examples of when you used it well:

These...not so much in my mind, whether they seem just like they are trying too hard or whether it sounds forced. Remember tho, this is just one opinion!

(Demarcate was a good choice, but malign is an adj. not a noun so..mmno)

Im not sure if you can get the difference...or if there really is a defined rule that we can apply, mostly its all just subjective.


If you wouldn't mind bopping over to my thread, i'd really love some advice.

Nicktarist, do you have anything recorded?

I would love to, your comments have been quite helpful.

well, unfortunately, I don't (I do, but nothing I want to show you) xD. I've been trying to make my way around a slightly used 4-track at the local U. So far, the most I've recorded are covers of 70s tunes with my baby bro. It's been quite fun, I must say.

peace,
-nick