daysleeper1985's Songwriting Journal

daysleeper1985 · 05-01-2009, 05:45 AM

Condensation.

The memory flowered, a seasonal secretion,
almost dream swept, with Winter laden incision-
The playground roundabout dizzy spell,
secluded successions and Summers smell.

A derision of her kitchen scented day,
sweeping by within the kettle pot steaming
up yesterdays window message, remembering-
always- that this, too, will pass away.

Arya Stark · 05-01-2009, 06:13 PM

I love the imagery. I felt as if I was looking into the window of an old-time's home. Beautiful.

Freebase Dali · 05-02-2009, 03:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by daysleeper1985

Condensation.

The memory flowered, a seasonal secretion,
almost dream swept, with Winter laden incision-
The playground roundabout dizzy spell,
secluded successions and Summers smell.

A derision of her kitchen scented day,
sweeping by within the kettle pot steaming
up yesterdays window message, remembering-
always- that this, too, will pass away.

I'd change the phrase "seasonal secretion".
Secretion isn't a word you want to use unless you're describing a bodily function. It takes the mind away from the overall imagery you've achieved here.

Other than that, it's pretty swell.

Stone Birds · 05-02-2009, 12:35 PM

You should make a demo.
Questionable Tip: Use Synth Pad, it might add to the imagery

daysleeper1985 · 05-03-2009, 06:01 AM

One of my earliest poems, still stands out to me for some reason as a defining moment.

The Sandmans Visit

Through the darkness of all discreet
Masked by helpless thoughts of sleep,
I leave the troubled waters deep
To flow their way for dreams are sweet.

In all we see and seem lies grief
It seeps from luminous moments, brief.
Within the shadows skulks a thief
The sandman lurks with swollen feet.

Beyond the lake I watch for him
And hum along to broken hymns.
While strewn away in woods lit dim
Our fears demur so we can't swim.

With time comes day; with day, the light;
Clocks now spin from swirling flight.
I wished for dawn: dazzled delight!
Instead I lie adhered to night.

~~TumorAttitude~~ · 05-03-2009, 09:58 PM

Absolutly lovely. Wouldn't change a thing.

Stone Birds · 05-04-2009, 04:39 PM

Really Good

i just used the clap smiley

daysleeper1985 · 05-04-2009, 07:39 PM

cheers for the feedback...like I said it really was just a very quick thought and it just keeps growing on me the more i read it...think I may keep padding it out before I'm totally happy but I'm glad you see it in a positive light

shellyron · 05-09-2009, 08:31 PM

I'd stick with "secretion" if I were you. "Excretion", for example, might not convey quite the same intriguing mood.

shellyron · 05-09-2009, 08:35 PM

I'd stick with "secretion " if I were you. "
"Excretion" for example wouldn't convey quite the same mood.

05-01-2009, 05:45 AM	#11 (permalink)
daysleeper1985 Groupie Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: remember that place next to the floating antelopes? not there. Posts: 20	A very quick thought, Undeveloped, Raw, yet for some reason finished Condensation. The memory flowered, a seasonal secretion, almost dream swept, with Winter laden incision- The playground roundabout dizzy spell, secluded successions and Summers smell. A derision of her kitchen scented day, sweeping by within the kettle pot steaming up yesterdays window message, remembering- always- that this, too, will pass away.

05-03-2009, 06:01 AM	#15 (permalink)
daysleeper1985 Groupie Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: remember that place next to the floating antelopes? not there. Posts: 20	The Sandmans Visit One of my earliest poems, still stands out to me for some reason as a defining moment. The Sandmans Visit Through the darkness of all discreet Masked by helpless thoughts of sleep, I leave the troubled waters deep To flow their way for dreams are sweet. In all we see and seem lies grief It seeps from luminous moments, brief. Within the shadows skulks a thief The sandman lurks with swollen feet. Beyond the lake I watch for him And hum along to broken hymns. While strewn away in woods lit dim Our fears demur so we can't swim. With time comes day; with day, the light; Clocks now spin from swirling flight. I wished for dawn: dazzled delight! Instead I lie adhered to night.

05-02-2009, 12:35 PM	#14 (permalink)
Stone Birds myspace.com/stonebirdies Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Conor Oberst Was/is Here Posts: 1,401	You should make a demo. Questionable Tip: Use Synth Pad, it might add to the imagery

05-03-2009, 09:58 PM	#16 (permalink)
~~TumorAttitude~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Purgatory Posts: 749	Absolutly lovely. Wouldn't change a thing.

05-04-2009, 04:39 PM	#17 (permalink)
Stone Birds myspace.com/stonebirdies Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Conor Oberst Was/is Here Posts: 1,401	Really Good i just used the clap smiley

05-04-2009, 07:39 PM	#18 (permalink)
daysleeper1985 Groupie Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: remember that place next to the floating antelopes? not there. Posts: 20	cheers for the feedback...like I said it really was just a very quick thought and it just keeps growing on me the more i read it...think I may keep padding it out before I'm totally happy but I'm glad you see it in a positive light

05-09-2009, 08:31 PM	#19 (permalink)
shellyron Groupie Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 5	I'd stick with "secretion" if I were you. "Excretion", for example, might not convey quite the same intriguing mood.

05-09-2009, 08:35 PM	#20 (permalink)
shellyron Groupie Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 5	I'd stick with "secretion " if I were you. " "Excretion" for example wouldn't convey quite the same mood.