BoopieJones

Day by day, Curiosity deepens, Wondering
If deep beneath the surface lies slumbering
A connection between two souls.
Like those Above who Thundering
Set our limits so; numbering
The days we have left; our futile goals.

What a shame; so shallow an ambition
Although conscious, innate intuition
Reminds the fools it does not exist.
Calling out for one, please, give Permission
To act free from the inhibitions
And to recreate a moment; first touch, kiss.

You can say you’re sick of trying
To love a world so used to lying.
Stripped from life; bare.
Yet I continue to remind you, implying.
That the liars are simply belying
Those unworthy of your care.

I can’t say I’m being sincere
Because in my heart I hold you dear
Although creating worlds in between
My body aches to be near
But like the liars, I fear
I’m unworthy; therefore unseen.

Remaining to the world Apathetic
Wearing a Mask disguising the hectic
Rush and for love, want.
The attraction is Magnetic
But so simple and not poetic,
Lonely, each other they do taunt.


Yet something fails; never understand
What they Want is in their hands
If it is chosen to be made one’s own
But I sit silent; barely murmuring the demand
As gradually we drift into no man’s land
That our souls be together, alone.


first time I've ever posted anything I've written. Critiques, please, thanks

NSW

I'm really surprised that no one has responded to this yet, seeing as how you're actually attempting to be a contributing member to this site.

I have to say that the use of semi colons really distracted me while I was reading this. The rhyming was strange...in some places it seemed forced, but I like your use of slant rhyming also. Very Dickinson.

This was my favorite verse:
Remaining to the world Apathetic
Wearing a Mask disguising the hectic
Rush and for love, want.
The attraction is Magnetic
But so simple and not poetic,
Lonely, each other they do taunt.

Overall I thought the theme was a little trite and the flow was choppy, but it is a good start if it really is your first poem. With some tweaking I believe you could make something of it for sure, though I'm sure some of the more seasoned writers on this site could give you better advice.

Thanks for sharing!

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Hi.

BoopieJones

I really appreciate your feedback and agree with it. The theme is yes a little trite. . but i don't have many ideas making it less so. Actually, I'm not a very powerful writer so it is not easy for me to evoke interest...

Thanks for your opinion, this is the first time I've ever attempted a rhyming scheme (but it's so simple that it failed) and I do admit I forced the rhyming in some parts.

I actually don't really like the poem much, but its the first thing I've ever written and not deleted, and I only feel compelled to write about stupid things. IMO love poems = worst. But this was more of a why can't two people be together if nothing is holding them apart but themselves? It doesn't even pertain to my life, actually...just pondering that I tried to make evoke an emotion in another. The first version was much more "I ...You" I tried to show my point more by creating a distant, third party point of view, but in the middle two stanzas making the POV first and second. As if to say on the outside, we are distant, and on the inside, we're personal. IT doesn't quite work that way because my last 3 lines don't fit that.

Once again thanks for taking the time to share your opinion. I'd also like to be more of a contributing poster, you say "attempted" and I've merely just tried to have some chitchat and share minimal views on music. Now posting in this section seems a bit selfish but, I didn't have anyone to show it to, nor do I go to any other sites WITH a songwriting section and people who (from what I've read) give feedback/crit, not just the empty "I like it"

NSW

Love poems are not the worst. In fact most poems are about love or death really anyway. It's all about presentation.

And when I said you're "attempting" to be a contributing poster, I meant it in a good way. We have quite a few people who sign up just to post poems or lyrics or what have you. But since you've actually been around the boards a little while and posting in other areas, I wouldn't call it selfish for you to post this now. In fact, I look forward to reading more of your writing. Keep it up!

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Hi.

7gaugejames

I thought it was a song, i like it, i immediatley got a melody in my head with it. I think trite means commonplace, over used, when speaking of the anguish of the heart what combination of words aren't trite? We write from only two places and non-submissivewife was partly right, not love or death, it's love or fear. I wrote a poem out of fear once, it sounds angry and bitter, i was, structure does not flow through emotion, it is learned and come from reflex. Write and write and write. I want non-submissivewife to know, i like her comments on your piece, and her suggestion to continue. There is nothing scarier than puting yoursef out there, but as i say," art with no audience is only self indulgent". Kudos on being able to take criticism, that will serve you well. Here's my angry, bitter, fearful little piece.


A mask is to hide, a facade to fool,
the lies of a woman, the tears in a pool.
From the rib of man, came a dagger of bone,
no warmth can envade, a heart of stone.
She preys on my feelings, to enjoy her own.
When I try to play, I'm left alone.
Her love is the weapon, her sex is the tool,
her mask is to hide, her facade to fool.

This was accompanied by a charcoal sketch of a bare breasted Mona Lisa holding a mask to her face, the mask was a harlequin at first but then was later changed to a version of a " the man in the iron mask " kinda thing. I no longer fear rejection, loathe it yes, fear it, not so much. Keep writing.

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I don't care who you are, Gunslinger, shmunslinger, everyone needs a good purse.

pahuuuta

yeah like the dude above me said, i got a melody rite away too, to much rhyming i think, just my opinion, think what you like

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He Who Makes A Beast Out Of Himself Gets Rid Of The Pain Of Being A Man