moondust

title:Thorns

My shadow of thorns walked out of the sea
the harmony of distant lights carried
him across the rooftops of the city.

chorus:

he rejoined me in a dark room with a guillotine
seasons of light fermented in a clock
revealed the dark places i had been
the blood of my shadow ran clear
a hummingbird appeared the earth
dissolved in the birds porcelain tear


i prayed to two barrren black suns
to free my lawless heart trapped
in the frozen brick sky i watched
the last flight of a bird hoping to die


chorus:

he rejoined me in a dark room with a guillotine
seasons of light fermented in a clock
revealed the dark places i had been
the blood of my shadow ran clear
a hummingbird appeared the earth
dissolved in the birds porcelain tear

bridge:
the melting ice from the sky
gave my burning shadow his alibi

i prayed to two barrren black suns
to free my lawless heart trapped
in the frozen brick sky i watched
the last flight of a bird hoping to die

chard

im really impressed by this work i think its time i retired lol.

chard

its beautiful i have to say it brings tears to my eyes reading such poetry you are talented.i wont retire its just i dont see my work as being that great.

Schizotypic

My interpretation: The main character can't mentally touch his/her past, the terible things he/she has done. It followed him/her, not letting him/her forget, and he/she knew there was only so much time before his/her past came to kill. I got that from the first seven lines, I doubt I'm right but I thought it was pretty enough to give a shot. Things I can't understand:
"a hummingbird appeared the earth" - I don't know what that means which makes it hard for me to try and interprete this line:
"dissolved in the birds porcelain tear".
And this:
"i prayed to two barrren black suns
to free my lawless heart trapped
in the frozen brick sky i watched
the last flight of a bird hoping to die"
I don't know if it's "I prayed to two barren black suns to free my lawless heart trapped- (end of that idea and start of a new one)
"In the frozen brick sky I watched the last flight of a bird hoping to fly"
or if it's:
"I prayed to two barren black suns to free my lawless heart trapped In the frozen brick sky" Which admittibly would make less sense.
But it could also be:
"I prayed to two barren black suns to free my lawless heart trapped" (new thought)
"In the frozen brick sky I watched" (new thought)
"the last flight of a bird hoping to fly"
Maybe you could set it up like this:
"I prayed to two barren black suns
to free my lawless heart trapped-
In the frozen brick sky I watched-
The last flight of a bird hoping to fly"
OR
"I prayed to two barren black suns
to free my lawless heart trapped-
In the frozen brick sky I watched:
the last flight of a bird hoping to fly"
This would be the same as the one above:
I prayed to two barren black suns
to free my lawless heart trapped-
In the frozen brick sky I watched
the last flight of a bird hoping to fly" (capital letters can make a difference)

My thoughts: If it does mean something, I like your use of metaphor and diction. It was somewhat powerful. If it doesn't mean anything, I still liked you sense of connotation in the word you use. I would suggest looking up some poetic techniques for your next piece, in order to take it from where you are as far as literacy goes now to a high ground. I'm looking forward to your response and to see more of your work.

moondust

Title:Night

Verse:
A strange raven rapped at my window
he left me the key to an unknown door
the next night he rapped again
leaving me the map to some strange glen

chorus:
i took the map and walked these roads
i held the key and stalked the night
in vain i ignored all screams heard
i reached the glen by morns first light

verse:
i opened the door to some strange crypt
many hours with the departed i slept
i was woken by rapping at the window
he left a map on the crypt floor


chorus:
i took the map and walked these roads
i held the key and stalked the night
in vain i ignored all screams heard
i reached the glen by morn's first light

bridge:
i saw a graveyard and an unnamed stone
sparse mutterings revealed i was not alone

verse:
and on this grave was written my name
the raven held a key with eternity
written in flames,a hooded man he
sliced the moon in half and pointed north

7gaugejames

Familiar theme, familiar imagery, not bad mind you..... just familiar what else ya' got.

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adidasss

Quoth the raven :"Nevermore"...

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“Think of what a paradise this world would be if men were kind and wise.” - Kurt Vonnegut, Cat's Cradle.

Last.fm

Schizotypic

Quoth. Good poem.

Sneer

Like Poe much?

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darkcornerinthecloset

was that sarcastic?