My most recent poem (quote, artists, Kora, Ching, Hang)

Schizotypic · 02-25-2009, 03:52 PM

I want constructive critisism, please.

His Terminal Monomania
A content comatose
He is dying to obtain

Searching for cause
There is no reason

His closer allies,
His beautiful value
Fades away and atrophies

His desire and his decay
Unwilling to surrender him
Have intercourse and multiply

He ascends upward
to a miserable bliss
on pink fluffy clouds

Expended relations,
and traded possessions
He observes the milieu,
Felo-de-se

In that minute
The world had lost
His carnal remains

Schizotypic · 02-25-2009, 06:41 PM

Nobody?

Schizotypic · 03-08-2009, 03:58 PM

^ I wish I could figure out a way to change that.

TheBig3 · 03-14-2009, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schizotypic

^ I wish I could figure out a way to change that.

well what is this about?

Schizotypic · 03-14-2009, 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

well what is this about?

I was sitting there one day with a huge craving to get really ****ed-up, and I decided to go off on that. It ended-up being about a look at the progression of desire for wanting to be completey gone and the consequences of that.

I tried writing a simplier version of this that said things just plainly, but it was harder to capture enough feeling in that. I'm still working on it. Baby steps.

Freebase Dali · 03-08-2009, 04:51 PM

Schiz,

I wish I could offer some constructive criticism here, but I'm afraid I'd have to re-write the entire work. That is not a reflection of your abilities, only a reflection of my biases in relation to creative writing in general.

I would be interested in reading anything else you may have floating around, though.

Schizotypic · 03-08-2009, 11:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Veridical Fiction

Schiz,

I wish I could offer some constructive criticism here, but I'm afraid I'd have to re-write the entire work. That is not a reflection of your abilities, only a reflection of my biases in relation to creative writing in general.

I would be interested in reading anything else you may have floating around, though.

^If you could, I love to hear your views.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aModernMyth

I really like it! ^_^

^Thank you.

aModernMyth · 03-08-2009, 04:56 PM

I really like it! ^_^

aModernMyth · 03-09-2009, 02:05 AM

do you have more coming?

Schizotypic · 03-09-2009, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aModernMyth

do you have more coming?

I'm thinking of re-posting some poems I posted a while back, but maybe not. Right now I'm just trying to get as much critisism on this piece as possible so I can revise it correctly, and I have barely any. I found a poetry website that I could post it on, but I have to make a few comments first, and also I feel insecure about being called retarded there. Oh well, guess I should man-up!

To answer your question, not any time soon. I like every poem I write to be better then the last, and as of now I don't know how to improve. Also, I only have an incentive to write when I have something I think is a really good concept to write on. Elsewise it's boring and not as challenging.

Although, once I get much, much better (as I tried this before, put in four hours, failed miserably, and put the porject on hold) I would like to write a short and eerie story in either iambic or torchee octameter and with some rhyme scheme to it about a woman being traped to see her naked flaws for eternity, this would tourture her forever because of her denial of her own sick actions and innability to deal with life.

02-25-2009, 03:52 PM	#1 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	His Terminal Monomania I want constructive critisism, please. His Terminal Monomania A content comatose He is dying to obtain Searching for cause There is no reason His closer allies, His beautiful value Fades away and atrophies His desire and his decay Unwilling to surrender him Have intercourse and multiply He ascends upward to a miserable bliss on pink fluffy clouds Expended relations, and traded possessions He observes the milieu, Felo-de-se In that minute The world had lost His carnal remains Last edited by Schizotypic; 02-25-2009 at 10:30 PM.

02-25-2009, 06:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	Nobody?

03-08-2009, 03:58 PM	#3 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	^ I wish I could figure out a way to change that.

03-08-2009, 04:51 PM	#6 (permalink)
Freebase Dali Partying on the inside Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 5,584	Schiz, I wish I could offer some constructive criticism here, but I'm afraid I'd have to re-write the entire work. That is not a reflection of your abilities, only a reflection of my biases in relation to creative writing in general. I would be interested in reading anything else you may have floating around, though.

03-08-2009, 04:56 PM	#8 (permalink)
aModernMyth Groupie Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cemetary Drive Posts: 41	I really like it! ^_^

03-09-2009, 02:05 AM	#9 (permalink)
aModernMyth Groupie Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cemetary Drive Posts: 41	do you have more coming?