My most recent poem (quote, artists, Kora, Ching, Hang)

Schizotypic · 02-25-2009, 04:52 PM

I want constructive critisism, please.

His Terminal Monomania
A content comatose
He is dying to obtain

Searching for cause
There is no reason

His closer allies,
His beautiful value
Fades away and atrophies

His desire and his decay
Unwilling to surrender him
Have intercourse and multiply

He ascends upward
to a miserable bliss
on pink fluffy clouds

Expended relations,
and traded possessions
He observes the milieu,
Felo-de-se

In that minute
The world had lost
His carnal remains

Schizotypic · 02-25-2009, 07:41 PM

Nobody?

7gaugejames · 03-06-2009, 09:52 AM

The mixed duality of content seems contrived and purposed. Miserable bliss, is a bit used, and you can't ascend any where but up,

redundant. Try keeping all your tenses the same, if he's searching and dying he should be fading and atrophying, just suggestions.

Alas, we come to cadence, iambic cadence, poetry can be very dark, we(artists) like dark, but the heart is rythymic,

the brain isn't always as rythym bound. It's learned. keep writing. Have you ever read any Vogon poetry? Check it out.

Schizotypic · 03-06-2009, 06:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 7gaugejames

The mixed duality of content seems contrived and purposed. Miserable bliss, is a bit used, and you can't ascend any where but up,

redundant. Try keeping all your tenses the same, if he's searching and dying he should be fading and atrophying, just suggestions.

Alas, we come to cadence, iambic cadence, poetry can be very dark, we(artists) like dark, but the heart is rythymic,

the brain isn't always as rythym bound. It's learned. keep writing. Have you ever read any Vogon poetry? Check it out.

True, you can't ascend anywhere but upward. I should change that in my copy. As far as the fading and atrophying, the problem is punctuation. The poem is just a story of what happens to "Him". I was trying to say that His closer allies (friends), and His beautiful value (value as a person) fades and atrophies. He is not fading in atrophying, it is his friends and self-worth. It's something that happens to him in the story. I'm afraid I don't know how to punctuate that stanze to make it seem like I'm not saying His beautiful "value", as in something that is beautiful that he has, or something of value. Oh, and, thank you so much for feedback.

Schizotypic · 03-06-2009, 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by moondust

so vague it is meaningless.

I suppose that's constructive. Any suggestions?

7gaugejames · 03-08-2009, 11:28 AM

Just a quick note, Your Welcome, thanks for having the nards to put it out there, i'm looking forward to posting mine tomorrow. Have you read Lies? Check it out, 7gauge.

TheBig3 · 03-08-2009, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by moondust

this is all very vague and abstract.

Quote:

Originally Posted by moondust

so vague it is meaningless.

this.

Schizotypic · 03-08-2009, 04:58 PM

^ I wish I could figure out a way to change that.

Freebase Dali · 03-08-2009, 05:51 PM

Schiz,

I wish I could offer some constructive criticism here, but I'm afraid I'd have to re-write the entire work. That is not a reflection of your abilities, only a reflection of my biases in relation to creative writing in general.

I would be interested in reading anything else you may have floating around, though.

aModernMyth · 03-08-2009, 05:56 PM

I really like it! ^_^

02-25-2009, 04:52 PM	#1 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	His Terminal Monomania I want constructive critisism, please. His Terminal Monomania A content comatose He is dying to obtain Searching for cause There is no reason His closer allies, His beautiful value Fades away and atrophies His desire and his decay Unwilling to surrender him Have intercourse and multiply He ascends upward to a miserable bliss on pink fluffy clouds Expended relations, and traded possessions He observes the milieu, Felo-de-se In that minute The world had lost His carnal remains Last edited by Schizotypic; 02-25-2009 at 11:30 PM.

03-06-2009, 09:52 AM	#3 (permalink)
7gaugejames Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Imperial Beach Ca. Posts: 101	Constuctive critisism; as follows, The mixed duality of content seems contrived and purposed. Miserable bliss, is a bit used, and you can't ascend any where but up, redundant. Try keeping all your tenses the same, if he's searching and dying he should be fading and atrophying, just suggestions. Alas, we come to cadence, iambic cadence, poetry can be very dark, we(artists) like dark, but the heart is rythymic, the brain isn't always as rythym bound. It's learned. keep writing. Have you ever read any Vogon poetry? Check it out. __________________ I don't care who you are, Gunslinger, shmunslinger, everyone needs a good purse.

03-08-2009, 11:28 AM	#6 (permalink)
7gaugejames Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Imperial Beach Ca. Posts: 101	Just a quick note, Your Welcome, thanks for having the nards to put it out there, i'm looking forward to posting mine tomorrow. Have you read Lies? Check it out, 7gauge. __________________ I don't care who you are, Gunslinger, shmunslinger, everyone needs a good purse.

02-25-2009, 07:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	Nobody?

03-08-2009, 04:58 PM	#8 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	^ I wish I could figure out a way to change that.

03-08-2009, 05:51 PM	#9 (permalink)
Freebase Dali Partying on the inside Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 5,584	Schiz, I wish I could offer some constructive criticism here, but I'm afraid I'd have to re-write the entire work. That is not a reflection of your abilities, only a reflection of my biases in relation to creative writing in general. I would be interested in reading anything else you may have floating around, though.

03-08-2009, 05:56 PM	#10 (permalink)
aModernMyth Groupie Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Cemetary Drive Posts: 41	I really like it! ^_^