Jesus Christ I'm Amazing - The poetic updates of a madman (single, quote, guitar)

TrampInaTux · 04-30-2006, 03:07 AM

My hands knew the curve of your hips, I knew the path of your mind.

That is one ****ing brilliant line. The first verse I didn't really like, I found it a bit cheesy, but the rest of the song was good especially the last verse. And like CQ said, it's good for something you wrote in 10 minutes.

DontRunMeOver · 05-03-2006, 05:43 AM

I like it too, it might work better without the first verse, maybe with a completely different first verse which sets the scene better for the other two sections (as well as sounding a bit cheesy, the first verse seemed pretty unrelated to the other two). As you've said yourself, we want to know things like where, when, who and to hear enough detail to believe that what we're reading or hearing is actually real, so that we can really get into it. The second and third verses do that nicely, the first one doesn't as it creates the question "whose 'subtle words' and whose 'forked tongues'?" which you don't answer and because we don't really have a scene the readers aren't really in a position to guess.

ArmyofMe · 05-03-2006, 05:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hobojesus

My hands knew the curve of your hips, I knew the path of your mind.

That is one ****ing brilliant line. The first verse I didn't really like, I found it a bit cheesy...good for something you wrote in 10 minutes.

agree with him completely, but i think the rest of it was just ok...

Crazy Luv · 05-03-2006, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hobojesus

The first verse I didn't really like, I found it a bit cheesy, but the rest of the song was good especially the last verse. And like CQ said, it's good for something you wrote in 10 minutes.

Agree with this mec up here

View Poll Results: Should we allow Poetry here?
Yes	14	93.33%
No	1	6.67%
Voters: 15. You may not vote on this poll

04-30-2006, 03:07 AM	#1 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,412	My hands knew the curve of your hips, I knew the path of your mind. That is one ****ing brilliant line. The first verse I didn't really like, I found it a bit cheesy, but the rest of the song was good especially the last verse. And like CQ said, it's good for something you wrote in 10 minutes.