Jesus Christ I'm Amazing - The poetic updates of a madman

PerFeCTioNThrUSileNCe · 01-03-2006, 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

I loved you once, but the rot of the dead is pungent on my thoughts
And once in a blue moon, I sit up in bed
Staring at your lifeless body
Whispering "please don’t lay next to me anymore"

i like everything for the most part. the first part of it is very poetic. the second part is good except for the first line. the part i highlighted in red. i dont think it flows as well as the rest of it. try something more like..."the decay of the deceased" or "the scent of those passed".

thats the only thing i would change. the rest of it i like.

Merkaba · 01-04-2006, 12:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

anonymous visage haunts my uninvolved thoughts.
The other just words that create the void, standing, sitting
There among old photos and love letters.

I felt that word didn't quite fit. I don't know if it's just me but that sentence is quite long and I thought that as i got closer to the end, this word held me up a little. Though it might have been because I was trying to take as much meaning from it as I could while I was still reading. Anyway, I just thought maybe a word like "dormant"...or "neglected" might flow a little steadier?

I like it. It's a very scenic piece.

MusicStudent4Life · 01-04-2006, 12:00 PM

This is very poetic and I really like that. What kind of music do you have in mind?

I think the only thing that keeps this song from being exceptional is that yes it's poetic, and yes it's deep, and yes it's kind of abstract and metaphoric, but it's not very relateable. What makes a great song really stand out is its ability to be all poetic and deep and metaphoric but at the same time to hold the audience captivated with either characters, themes, or emotions that are universally relateable. I think a going a little more indepth with the characters would strengthen this song. But I really like it.

sleepy jack · 01-04-2006, 05:04 PM

^No, i think some good songs are relatable, but if everything had to be relatable, then half my songs suck.

I think its good the way it is, maybe shorten the line perfectionthrusilence pointed out, thats the only thought i have. Its very good.

right-track · 01-04-2006, 05:13 PM

All I remember is what never became.
A female of fallow earth. Forgotten passions
under pressed green sheets. I can remember
Creating nightmares for the traveling business men
on an illegal hotel night, somewhere on the intersection of
Two highways, youth and young manhood.

^ I'm not trying to be funny here, but the image of a prostitute springs to mind.

TheBig3 · 01-04-2006, 08:37 PM

Well its not exactly a prostitute. Anyway, ill revise this and repost later.

TheBig3 · 04-25-2006, 08:07 PM

Should posting "poetry" be allowed in the song writing forum?

swim · 04-25-2006, 08:10 PM

I would like that so that I could post something. I can't see why not.

~~bungalow~~ · 04-25-2006, 08:11 PM

You can post it anyway dude.
Just put up some poetry. Half the 'songs' that get posted are poems.

TheBig3 · 04-25-2006, 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bungalowbill357

You can post it anyway dude.
Just put up some poetry. Half the 'songs' that get posted are poems.

Well i think if there was a general disdain for it we should probably respect the majorities wishes. Only reason for asking, also, to circumvent the way between Sonnet and...everyone else.

View Poll Results: Should we allow Poetry here?
Yes	14	93.33%
No	1	6.67%
Voters: 15. You may not vote on this poll

01-04-2006, 08:37 PM	#6 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,246	Well its not exactly a prostitute. Anyway, ill revise this and repost later. __________________ I've moved to a new address

04-25-2006, 08:07 PM	#7 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,246	Poetry Should posting "poetry" be allowed in the song writing forum? __________________ I've moved to a new address

04-25-2006, 08:10 PM	#8 (permalink)
swim dontcareaboutyou Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 5,145	I would like that so that I could post something. I can't see why not. __________________ http://nakednaps.bandcamp.com/

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01-04-2006, 12:00 PM	#3 (permalink)
MusicStudent4Life Groupie Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: cali Posts: 6	This is very poetic and I really like that. What kind of music do you have in mind? I think the only thing that keeps this song from being exceptional is that yes it's poetic, and yes it's deep, and yes it's kind of abstract and metaphoric, but it's not very relateable. What makes a great song really stand out is its ability to be all poetic and deep and metaphoric but at the same time to hold the audience captivated with either characters, themes, or emotions that are universally relateable. I think a going a little more indepth with the characters would strengthen this song. But I really like it.

01-04-2006, 05:13 PM	#5 (permalink)
right-track Atchin' Akai Join Date: May 2005 Location: Unamerica Posts: 8,769	All I remember is what never became. A female of fallow earth. Forgotten passions under pressed green sheets. I can remember Creating nightmares for the traveling business men on an illegal hotel night, somewhere on the intersection of Two highways, youth and young manhood. ^ I'm not trying to be funny here, but the image of a prostitute springs to mind.

04-25-2006, 08:11 PM	#9 (permalink)
~~bungalow~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Hot-lanta Posts: 3,061	You can post it anyway dude. Just put up some poetry. Half the 'songs' that get posted are poems.