Crazy Luv

I am lost, dont know what this is about...so i cant say if its good or not.

TheBig3

Whats throwing you off?

You know I want to tie up a couple loose ends here.

Merkaba - Don't you think Cancer is cliche? And its not a cancerous entity, there more just a claw-at-your-flesh annoyance.

Ducky - Yeah, getting porn was a bitch back then, I remember it was like a ****ing cliff hanger waiting for the next line to appear.

And can anyone suggest a title.

__________________
I've moved to a new address

mosesandtherubberducky

Cesspool (spelling?) that's the best I can think of *is about to install COV*

__________________
Can I have a youtube video for a sig? There's a thing that says "Wrap [YOUTUBE] tags around selected text"

TheBig3

...I guess.

I don't know where we are in the back and forth between "yes you can post poems here" and "no you can't" but I'm going to toss out a little piece I wrote while bored in my blog. Let me know what you think. If anyone sees any merit in it I might actually work on it. Anyway...

To all the women I've ever loved

I still remember your shoes. Those
Attrocious ballerina flats
or whatever they are.
You wore them without socks and I thought
"I hate those ****ing shoes" but
I liked them on you. And I
Can't remember what i liked about your face,
But I still remeber the rabbitt you traced on my
Back with your nails. Or maybe it was a 3.
I remember the city seemed to creep in
On the breeze through the cracked window,
And the lights and the cars, that reminded us
it was just us here. I remember when you held my
hand and looked me in the eye.
There was no reason for it,
but you seemed proud of me amoung all the other
emotions there in your eyes.

__________________
I've moved to a new address

sleepy jack

Its actually more rare for songs to be posted here then poetry, well among the regular posters...

I like it alot, but the ending was kind of eh

I remember when you held my
hand and looked me in the eye.
There was no reason for it,
but you seemed proud of me amoung all the other
emotions there in your eyes.

The repetition of eye kind of takes away from using it again, and i'd personally rework it the first time since the ending is most key. I don't know "I remember when you held my hand and looked at me" might work.

__________________

TheBig3

well there was a worse ending that I cut off, but this was a literal 2 minute job, so I'm well aware there are glaring flaws. Im hoping I can get a majority consensus on what needs fixing.

__________________
I've moved to a new address

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

A little more descriptors.

Attrocious < It's spelled atrocious. I don't like the use of "****ing."

Can't remember what i liked < The "I" is capital.

__________________

TheBig3

Sing I guess poems still count, I wrote this because I feel like i want to puke. Instead of that, and with no one to vent to, I wrote this(and obviously I made the title up when I realized MB makes you have one):

Outside of my window a thousand women scream and bang for my attention,
And inside my room a thousand friends implore me to act my age.
“If I was your age…” they tell me
“You’d make the same mistakes you did the first time” I tell them
They give me a quizzical eye and tell me im an “odd duck.”
The drink the wine of a thousand foreign lips and wear their
Hangover as a badge of honor. It’s a good lead to a better story.
I slip out the back door for a ciggerette I don’t smoke and wonder
If they’re right. They tell me I’m wasting my time, and I hope they’re wrong.
A thousand women outside my window and the only one I want isn’t there.
Your memories would have faded but I know your face at least twice a day,
And all night long until I stop staring at the phone and drag myself to bed.
“You move too fast” she once told me, and I was crushed then. Now her words haunt me and I apply them to you. I can’t help but think I should be up front and honest. History tells me that only a fool who wishes to be alone is honest. What do you say when “I love you” doesn’t fit. What do I write that isn’t too fast?
Sometimes, when I can’t sleep my thoughts become reality in the darkness,
“god I need you” as if you would hear me. Maybe I hope it makes things better.
It never does. You can feel the scars throb when its said outloud. The old scars grow cool on the skin, like a subtle head-shaking-reminder.
I can’t breath with a broken heart tonight, and again I’ll drag myself off to bed
And hope my fan drowns out the city outside of my window.

__________________
I've moved to a new address

sleepy jack

I really liked that, especially the you move too fast - isnt too fast part, good job. This wasn't constructive at all but whatever.

__________________

Ornette

This is great, except I dislike one line...

It just doesn't feel like it fits.