ArchAngel1024

I'm trying my hand at writing a song a day. I figure that a music forum is the best place to get some honest critique. I'll be posting them as they're finished.

I'll start off with the first (yesterday's so, I may update with a new one if I get the chorus finished.)

It's a bit long and shapeless, since it's intended more for a prog-type song.

~~~

yellow green eyes that shine like fire
see deep down to your desire
watch the wheels of mind go turning
shaking, shaking, going, burning
candles burn in darkened rooms,
flames belly dance to invisible tunes,
dream your dreams, distant lovers,
see the things you want in each other,
negative positive, positive hot,
dreams for each other, life for the naught,

star struck
is it here? is it here?
star struck
pull each other near
star struck
the worlds in love
star struck
but the candles burn

see the wheels of desire turn around in rooms on fire
even logic corrupts
there's a place, find a home, get in the cage
even discomfort is cosy
illuminate the dark side blaze
find room within the cage
make the clock stop ticking away
before the time destroys the day

aching hearts, bleeding hands
watching time pass like grains of sand
hourglass it turns to dust
flys away, in these days it's a must
see the circuits of emotion
watch the sparks and let it run,
on it's course lest ye become,
a bender, man, just making fun,
doing things that can't be undone

Taste the colors
Smell the care
feel the distance
as time comes undone
all the things
we thought we knew
look around
it's all gone blue
wishing waiting sitting here
you think of things you shouldn't fear
let these thoughts rest
it's not their time
live the moment
hear the rhyme
dance with fire
turn the wheel
it all goes away when you begin to hear
the voices of your own worst nightmare
spitting lies back to test your time here
**** it up and you will see
just how lonely you can be

Yellow green eyes that shine like fire
do you know my one desire?
do you know? (x8)

ArchAngel1024

Just finally got this chorus written, posting it even though it's a double post.

~~~

[Verse 1]
Sit around and watch a man on fire
Feel the heat and watch him burn
out
Flames licking like a lover's tongue
colors bright with red intensity
invisible flame in living rivers
pool in hearts and minds and souls
see no pain, only intent
hope the fire never ends

[Chorus]
Vision's spinning
Walls are melting
Feels like the earth's about to explode
The only thing I can see clearly
A goddess here to make the world erode
She watches me with eyes like the sun
I can see my own heart pounding
Turn to watch a pheonix dying
The first life of brand new world

[Verse 2]
Watch the snakes dance with each other
feel the power of the setting sun
The moon is water, grass is coulds
everything's turning upside down
Swim in water, cool and cleansing
grab a raft, drift about
The sea is turning, viscious, churning,
but the raft will never drown

{Chorus}

[Bridge]
Warm needles pierce paper skin
Without the needles pain begins
like a healing knife
a quiet din
taste mistakes
like strawberry sin
They are the foundation of this new religion
we don't pray
we just feel
no sin aside from other temples
no rules
we just live

[Verse 3]
Sometimes there's a war in my head
all the people pick their side
there's no reason for these battles
no wrong and no right, oh
I am the child of a lock and key
I am the daughter of warring tribes
I am the son of a thousand days here
I live with snakes on invisible fire