darkcornerinthecloset's Songwriting Journal

7gaugejames · 03-09-2009, 05:10 PM

No offence Darkcorner,

but if this is some" man on the moon," kinda play your pullin' on us,

it's the funniest stuff ever. Andy Kauffmanesque and genius.

**Janszoon** · 03-09-2009, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schizotypic

@Janszoon: Holly crap Janszoon, did you write that? I fukking loved it.

LOL. No. I guess I overestimated how familiar people are with the Violent Femmes' back catalogue. But if you've never heard that before, it's a great song that's worth a listen (this video is just something some youtube schmo put together but the song itself is by Violent Femmes):

Schizotypic · 03-09-2009, 06:57 PM

Wow! The sound of that song totally changes what I envisioned it would be like to hear what I thought was a poem. I might check out more of that dudes work, on paper anyway.

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-09-2009, 07:50 PM

man on the moon?

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-09-2009, 08:02 PM

ok. here it goes again:

Soar above the smog
Wind and rain in my hair
How good it feels to live
True ecstasy is flight

I'm above you now
On my way to His kingdom
You can fall down
I'll soar up and above

UGG. how damn short has this gotta be??!?!?

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-09-2009, 08:20 PM

Irony, sweet and painful
so funny how I hide me
Yet broadcast it to the world
Is it not obvious if you look?

Echoing across the stage
Actors surround us
Each and every one is the lead
of their own farce written by fate

They mill around onstage
They do not turn outside of their
own bubble, own life, own scene
They do not look down at us

But only because they don't see
dysfunction in everything
we do in this act up onstage
they notice naught but lies, lies, LIES

I yell and scream to be heard
cannot be made out over
lies, lies, LIES
cannot be heard through chaos

The director yells for quiet
no one hears his voice through the
lies, lies, LIES
likewise no one hears my sobs

the lies cover my tears when I cry

And they don't notice how wrong
we are together on this stage
because they see, hear, nothing
outside of their own farce

And that may be for the best

sorry guys, i couldn't bring myself to change the last line

Schizotypic · 03-09-2009, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkcornerinthecloset

ok. here it goes again:

Soar above the smog
Wind and rain in my hair
How good it feels to live
True ecstasy is flight

I'm above you now
On my way to His kingdom
You can fall down
I'll soar up and above

UGG. how damn short has this gotta be??!?!?

...Do you not understand the point of the syllable count?

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-10-2009, 04:39 PM

i understood it, i have problems making it that short. ONE stanza? is that what you are asking me to do?

Schizotypic · 03-10-2009, 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkcornerinthecloset

i understood it, i have problems making it that short. ONE stanza? is that what you are asking me to do?

...No. I meant that to add flow to your poetry, you should have around the same number of syllables in each line. It makes it roll off the tounge easier. So, first of all, I said four stanza's. Unfortunately I fukked-up, I meant twenty to twenty-five syllables per stanza. That would be about five to six syllables per line. Look at 7guagejames, he got the idea. Sorry, my bad.

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-10-2009, 05:50 PM

you really suck! i NEW there was something wrong with that sentence! now i havta do this again

03-09-2009, 05:10 PM	#121 (permalink)
7gaugejames Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Imperial Beach Ca. Posts: 101	Attempt; as follows, No offence Darkcorner, but if this is some" man on the moon," kinda play your pullin' on us, it's the funniest stuff ever. Andy Kauffmanesque and genius. __________________ I don't care who you are, Gunslinger, shmunslinger, everyone needs a good purse.

03-09-2009, 06:57 PM	#123 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	Wow! The sound of that song totally changes what I envisioned it would be like to hear what I thought was a poem. I might check out more of that dudes work, on paper anyway.

03-09-2009, 07:50 PM	#124 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	man on the moon?

03-09-2009, 08:02 PM	#125 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	ok. here it goes again: Soar above the smog Wind and rain in my hair How good it feels to live True ecstasy is flight I'm above you now On my way to His kingdom You can fall down I'll soar up and above UGG. how damn short has this gotta be??!?!?

03-09-2009, 08:20 PM	#126 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	Irony, sweet and painful so funny how I hide me Yet broadcast it to the world Is it not obvious if you look? Echoing across the stage Actors surround us Each and every one is the lead of their own farce written by fate They mill around onstage They do not turn outside of their own bubble, own life, own scene They do not look down at us But only because they don't see dysfunction in everything we do in this act up onstage they notice naught but lies, lies, LIES I yell and scream to be heard cannot be made out over lies, lies, LIES cannot be heard through chaos The director yells for quiet no one hears his voice through the lies, lies, LIES likewise no one hears my sobs the lies cover my tears when I cry And they don't notice how wrong we are together on this stage because they see, hear, nothing outside of their own farce And that may be for the best sorry guys, i couldn't bring myself to change the last line

03-10-2009, 04:39 PM	#128 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	i understood it, i have problems making it that short. ONE stanza? is that what you are asking me to do?

03-10-2009, 05:50 PM	#130 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	you really suck! i NEW there was something wrong with that sentence! now i havta do this again