darkcornerinthecloset's Songwriting Journal

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-08-2009, 08:30 PM

in response to 7gaugejames:

1) that is correct, in theory. however, because the opening word is "ironic" that is a bit of a moot point. you are correct, so should i change the first stanza around? i like the line itself because it is poetic, and im not thrilled to do so it if thats what you propose.
2) the actors are liars because the very act of acting is in itself a lie.
3) there is no one in the audience. the patrons are onstage themselves, living their own lives and acting out their own farce, a farce that is coincidentally a lie because they dont realize how miserable they are, reading of a script tailored by fate. it reflects shallowness or disillusioned happiness, whichever makes most sense to the reader.
1 & 2) does cursing not show frustration? when frustrated i personally swear like a sailor
3) i feel i cannot be definite in that statement because i have no definite answer in itself. if i say it is good that they dont notice the problems between me and my spouse, then that ruins the point of me saying that truth is good and lies are bad. if i say it is a bad thing, then that is saying i want to end the relationship with that person. i want to do neither, and would rather be confused and frustrated than a miserable hypocrite.

there is a literal meaning too, that we were onstage together with PDA, and no one noticed cause theyre too caught up in their own lives and actions at that moment. i have been doing that a lot lately; having the literal and metaphorical meanings both in my poems, and i think it has made an improvement. thank you for your input

Arya Stark · 03-08-2009, 08:51 PM

I feel that sometimes, profanity can ruin a piece. If the piece were absolutely phenomenol and you added an obscene word or two, I may have skipped over the words.

But I found myself skimming through the poem to see why exactly the profanity was existing...

I wasn't particularly approving of this piece. Sorry.

Schizotypic · 03-09-2009, 12:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkcornerinthecloset

Ironic how I hide who I am [9]
yet broadcast it to the world [7]
Is it not obvious if you [8]
open up your eyes and minds? [7]

We stand dead center in the middle of the stage [12]
People surround us but no one sits to watch the show [13]
Empty seats but people mill around onstage [11]
they don't even look up at the actors [10]

trying their hardest to be what they're not [10]

In ripped and faded and dirty clothes [9]
I stand beside the well-dressed mother****ers [11]
Yelling and screaming to be heard [8]
No one hears over the sound of [8]

lies ****ing LIES [4]

No one ever hears what I have to say [10]
because the lies cover my sobs when I cry [11]
And they don't notice how wrong we are together [12]
because they notice nothing outside of their own farce [13]

And that may be for the best [7]

Why would you do almost nothing to this and then post it again? How much time do you spend on these? How much effort do you put into this? Poetry is not supposed to be just rhyming and making a general point you know. Want to improve? Here, I have challenge for you: Write a four stanza poem about what it feels like to fly and nothing else. Not your opinions, not your life, just what it would feel like to fly, that's it. Have exactly four lines in each stanza. Have twenty to twenty-five syllables in each stanza, about five to six for every line in a stanza. Never use the word 'fly' in it. The amount of time that takes you, IMO, is how long it should take to write a half-decent poem.

7gaugejames · 03-09-2009, 01:00 PM

Ascending with grace,
the clouds fall beneath me,
I search lower levels,
for that which will feed me.

Spotting the quarry,
stooping with fury,
streaking in passion,
failing in mission.

Coming to a halt,
alighting on the palm,
pretending it never happened,
to the wing again and calm.

Now eagles wings at work,
focused on the chase,
my prey flys in front of me,
and I abandon all my grace.

Well that took 10 min's and it shows lol!

I forgot to title it, with my pretentious; as follows, LOL

Schizotypic · 03-09-2009, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 7gaugejames

Ascending with grace,
the clouds fall beneath me,
I search lower levels,
for that which will feed me.

Spotting the quarry,
stooping with fury,
streaking in passion,
failing in mission.

Coming to a halt,
alighting on the palm,
pretending it never happened,
to the wing again and calm.

Now eagles wings at work,
focused on the chase,
my prey flys in front of me,
and I abandon all my grace.

Well that took 10 min's and it shows lol!

I forgot to title it, with my pretentious; as follows, LOL

@7guagejames- Haha you used the word fly
Alright Darkcornerinthecloset, learn from 7guagejames. See how this poem doesn't rhyme at all and has only a shallow point but is still good? The syllables being around the same number give it more of a flow, and the format is set up so each stanza has its own point. Furthermore, never using the direct word "fly" forces good imagery and use of description. My next challenge: Re-write it using at least three similies and two metaphors through the entire poem. Each stanza must have at least one.

**Janszoon** · 03-09-2009, 01:50 PM

Well I'm reading this poem
and it's so profound
and I like its rhythm
and I like its sound
it's by a very famous poet
no critic can criticise
and then I pause a moment
and I start to realize
he's tellin'
lies lies lies
on the motel TV.
I dig the evangelist
he'll tell you all about that
and then he tell you all about this
he's preachin' up a storm
by the sea of Galilee
he's mixin' up the truth
with something funny I start to see
he's tellin'
lies lies lies
I never had this problem
with nobody in the government
I guess I always figured
they never mean what they meant
and GOD help us all
not to be so stone surprised
when we wake up in the stars
with the skies in our eyes
if we keep tellin'
lies lies lies

7gaugejames · 03-09-2009, 02:05 PM

Ascending with grace,
the prey beneath me,
as innocent as babies,
it's that which will feed me.

Sharpened up and ready,
a missle launched,in flight,
at once they see and scatter,
like the stars that come at night.

Now with wings at work,
and focused on my plight,
chaos now surrounds me,
another unfair fight.

My mind is filled with yesterdays,
with sorrow brought to bear,
like a perfect storm, it swirls about me,
I seek my lonely lair.

Schizotypic · 03-09-2009, 02:57 PM

@Janszoon: Holly crap Janszoon, did you write that? I fukking loved it.
@7guagejames: Good job, I have no more challenges.

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-09-2009, 04:07 PM

Want to improve? Here, I have challenge for you: Write a four stanza poem about what it feels like to fly and nothing else. Not your opinions, not your life, just what it would feel like to fly, that's it. Have exactly four lines in each stanza. Have twenty to twenty-five syllables in the entire poem, about five to six for every line in a stanza. Never use the word 'fly' in it.

ok, so this is my attempt, sorry if it sucks, but im gonna try

Soaring over their heads
Stomach flipped and churning
Light as a feather
Wings out at my sides

Raising high into the sky
the breeze tousles my hair
Nothing above but the heavens
nothing below but the trees

My upward assent can't be
halted of slowed down
Speeding on, spiraling
to the land of no return

With rain pouring down
pouring down my face
and off my chest to my feet
and then down and away

The rain falls down to earth
to the people below
but it landed on me first
and it cooled my fever

My fervor continues
the aviator's thrill
When I land all will end
But for now; peace in the sky

20-25 syllables? or 20-25 lines?

Schizotypic · 03-09-2009, 05:06 PM

^Twenty to twenty-five syllables. Keep trying.

03-09-2009, 01:00 PM	#114 (permalink)
7gaugejames Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Imperial Beach Ca. Posts: 101	Ascending with grace, the clouds fall beneath me, I search lower levels, for that which will feed me. Spotting the quarry, stooping with fury, streaking in passion, failing in mission. Coming to a halt, alighting on the palm, pretending it never happened, to the wing again and calm. Now eagles wings at work, focused on the chase, my prey flys in front of me, and I abandon all my grace. Well that took 10 min's and it shows lol! I forgot to title it, with my pretentious; as follows, LOL __________________ I don't care who you are, Gunslinger, shmunslinger, everyone needs a good purse. Last edited by 7gaugejames; 03-09-2009 at 01:04 PM. Reason: Just because I didn't title it.

03-09-2009, 01:50 PM	#116 (permalink)
Janszoon Mate, Spawn & Die Join Date: May 2007 Location: The Rapping Community Posts: 24,593	Well I'm reading this poem and it's so profound and I like its rhythm and I like its sound it's by a very famous poet no critic can criticise and then I pause a moment and I start to realize he's tellin' lies lies lies on the motel TV. I dig the evangelist he'll tell you all about that and then he tell you all about this he's preachin' up a storm by the sea of Galilee he's mixin' up the truth with something funny I start to see he's tellin' lies lies lies I never had this problem with nobody in the government I guess I always figured they never mean what they meant and GOD help us all not to be so stone surprised when we wake up in the stars with the skies in our eyes if we keep tellin' lies lies lies __________________ A Night in the Life of the Invisible Man Time & Place 25 Albums You Should Hear Before the Moon Crashes into the Earth and We All Die last.fm

03-09-2009, 02:05 PM	#117 (permalink)
7gaugejames Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Imperial Beach Ca. Posts: 101	Re-written;as Follows, Ascending with grace, the prey beneath me, as innocent as babies, it's that which will feed me. Sharpened up and ready, a missle launched,in flight, at once they see and scatter, like the stars that come at night. Now with wings at work, and focused on my plight, chaos now surrounds me, another unfair fight. My mind is filled with yesterdays, with sorrow brought to bear, like a perfect storm, it swirls about me, I seek my lonely lair. __________________ I don't care who you are, Gunslinger, shmunslinger, everyone needs a good purse.

03-08-2009, 08:30 PM	#111 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	in response to 7gaugejames: 1) that is correct, in theory. however, because the opening word is "ironic" that is a bit of a moot point. you are correct, so should i change the first stanza around? i like the line itself because it is poetic, and im not thrilled to do so it if thats what you propose. 2) the actors are liars because the very act of acting is in itself a lie. 3) there is no one in the audience. the patrons are onstage themselves, living their own lives and acting out their own farce, a farce that is coincidentally a lie because they dont realize how miserable they are, reading of a script tailored by fate. it reflects shallowness or disillusioned happiness, whichever makes most sense to the reader. 1 & 2) does cursing not show frustration? when frustrated i personally swear like a sailor 3) i feel i cannot be definite in that statement because i have no definite answer in itself. if i say it is good that they dont notice the problems between me and my spouse, then that ruins the point of me saying that truth is good and lies are bad. if i say it is a bad thing, then that is saying i want to end the relationship with that person. i want to do neither, and would rather be confused and frustrated than a miserable hypocrite. there is a literal meaning too, that we were onstage together with PDA, and no one noticed cause theyre too caught up in their own lives and actions at that moment. i have been doing that a lot lately; having the literal and metaphorical meanings both in my poems, and i think it has made an improvement. thank you for your input

03-08-2009, 08:51 PM	#112 (permalink)
Arya Stark "Hermione-Lite" Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: New York. Posts: 3,084	I feel that sometimes, profanity can ruin a piece. If the piece were absolutely phenomenol and you added an obscene word or two, I may have skipped over the words. But I found myself skimming through the poem to see why exactly the profanity was existing... I wasn't particularly approving of this piece. Sorry.

03-09-2009, 02:57 PM	#118 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	@Janszoon: Holly crap Janszoon, did you write that? I fukking loved it. @7guagejames: Good job, I have no more challenges.

03-09-2009, 04:07 PM	#119 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	Want to improve? Here, I have challenge for you: Write a four stanza poem about what it feels like to fly and nothing else. Not your opinions, not your life, just what it would feel like to fly, that's it. Have exactly four lines in each stanza. Have twenty to twenty-five syllables in the entire poem, about five to six for every line in a stanza. Never use the word 'fly' in it. ok, so this is my attempt, sorry if it sucks, but im gonna try Soaring over their heads Stomach flipped and churning Light as a feather Wings out at my sides Raising high into the sky the breeze tousles my hair Nothing above but the heavens nothing below but the trees My upward assent can't be halted of slowed down Speeding on, spiraling to the land of no return With rain pouring down pouring down my face and off my chest to my feet and then down and away The rain falls down to earth to the people below but it landed on me first and it cooled my fever My fervor continues the aviator's thrill When I land all will end But for now; peace in the sky 20-25 syllables? or 20-25 lines?

03-09-2009, 05:06 PM	#120 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	^Twenty to twenty-five syllables. Keep trying.