darkcornerinthecloset's Songwriting Journal

darkcornerinthecloset · 02-26-2009, 04:23 PM

Sitting at home alone
this alcohol warms my stomach
There's nothing to do but try

Try to cover up the stench and the reek
its hard, but I can do it
I'm a bit drunk, but I can think clearly enough to see
that I really don't care if they know

I think

If they notice then I'll be stuck in this room forever
If they don't then I'm golden
If they do, well, I'll still feel better than I did
before

But I really don't care if they know
I think

jackhammer · 02-26-2009, 06:23 PM

The reek? have you pissed yourself then?

Let me tell ya. You are not the first person to have their senses dulled by alcohol and you certainly won't be the last.

likuidcoka · 02-26-2009, 07:58 PM

I am a failure
At life, at death
At in between

I have Idle time
To fill with pain
Its better than nothing

I have done nothing in this life
Perhaps the next one will be better
Moving on, looking forward

Looking up or looking down
Wherever this world takes me
I am a failure put me out of your mind

I feel you on that one.

Schizotypic · 02-26-2009, 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

This is called John Frusciante syndrome.

Also, rhyming is something only the very great, and the very terrible do. On your climb to the former, under no circumstance should you rhyme. It is the dark side of poetry, and its seductive, but it will destroy you.

Wow. That was good advice, I think I'm just going to take that. Iv'e been trying to improve my poems but nobody ever gives me any critisism! Not that musicbanter is here to give me poetry advice, but it would still be nice darnit!

TheBig3 · 02-27-2009, 10:03 AM

You want my advice here it is.

1. You're not going to be taken seriously unless you get to 1,000 posts and not spamming. I.e. give them a reason to care about you enough to review your works.

Are you someone whose personality we've come to know? None of this should really matter, but on Musicbanter, we don't like newbies coming here and demanding all our time. That may not be how you see it, but thats how they see it.

2. Write more, post writing less. Write a piece, leave it for three days, really wrestle with the intricate. The cliches are there because you're skipping over real feeling to get to some other point.

3. This goes for everyone. Look at your piece and the part you love the most. Not like, not are proud of, I mean ****ing love. Take that part out.

Generally those pieces are too personal to make any god damned sense to readers. If you're writing for yourself, go crazy. If you're posting it, get it out.

I'm thinking of the one guy who wrote "I want to fall in love and gently land on my feet." If you want my honest opinion, that line is awful; its cute, its clever, it belongs in an American Idol song. Theres nothing good about it, the line almost says "do you see what I did there? look at me!"

I tend to love quite a few works by Frank O'Hara because he focuses almost entierly on the "who gives a ****" pieces of the day to day. But thats what matters. He never says look at me, he's very matter-of-fact. I'd suggested reading some of his pieces until something clicks.

Schizotypic · 02-27-2009, 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

You want my advice here it is.

1. You're not going to be taken seriously unless you get to 1,000 posts and not spamming. I.e. give them a reason to care about you enough to review your works.

Are you someone whose personality we've come to know? None of this should really matter, but on Musicbanter, we don't like newbies coming here and demanding all our time. That may not be how you see it, but thats how they see it.

2. Write more, post writing less. Write a piece, leave it for three days, really wrestle with the intricate. The cliches are there because you're skipping over real feeling to get to some other point.

3. This goes for everyone. Look at your piece and the part you love the most. Not like, not are proud of, I mean ****ing love. Take that part out.

Generally those pieces are too personal to make any god damned sense to readers. If you're writing for yourself, go crazy. If you're posting it, get it out.

I'm thinking of the one guy who wrote "I want to fall in love and gently land on my feet." If you want my honest opinion, that line is awful; its cute, its clever, it belongs in an American Idol song. Theres nothing good about it, the line almost says "do you see what I did there? look at me!"

I tend to love quite a few works by Frank O'Hara because he focuses almost entierly on the "who gives a ****" pieces of the day to day. But thats what matters. He never says look at me, he's very matter-of-fact. I'd suggested reading some of his pieces until something clicks.

Jeez, that was harsh. I seriously sensed some anger there. I would never demand anyones time or write tons of poems with cliche's; so I hope that wasn't aimed directly at me.
Here is how I see things: I wanted to branch out musically a couple months ago and I started to. This is because I was sick of being musically retarded, and I'm just starting off- but I found this site when I was bored and figured it could help. Last couple of weeks, Iv'e been studying poetry, just because it lately has really been interesting me. I decided to post them here to get critisism so I can learn how to advance. That in no way means I expect it, it's not like I need it from this site- I could just go post it on a poetry site. I would never demand someone else's time, especially over the internet, for anything. That would be arrogant. So, if your "advice" was directed at me, you stand corrected.

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-06-2009, 03:44 PM

I'm a certified belayer
and I will never let you fall
even when the going gets tough

and you hang upsidedown
Dangling from a thin rope
You are too precious for me to let fall

Just keep climbing because
if you fall I will always be there to catch you

And all that will happen is you will
hang suspended in midair until I
lower you gently to the ground

Then together you can climb up to the top again

jackhammer · 03-06-2009, 05:57 PM

I really just want to fall from the summit now....

Schizotypic · 03-06-2009, 06:16 PM

Looks like your progressing in your poetry.

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-06-2009, 06:40 PM

youve gotta stop writing "hi" on everything of youll get yourself banned. and you dont want that

02-26-2009, 04:23 PM	#91 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	drunk Sitting at home alone this alcohol warms my stomach There's nothing to do but try Try to cover up the stench and the reek its hard, but I can do it I'm a bit drunk, but I can think clearly enough to see that I really don't care if they know I think If they notice then I'll be stuck in this room forever If they don't then I'm golden If they do, well, I'll still feel better than I did before But I really don't care if they know I think

02-26-2009, 06:23 PM	#92 (permalink)
jackhammer Ba and Be. Join Date: May 2007 Location: This Is England Posts: 17,331	The reek? have you pissed yourself then? Let me tell ya. You are not the first person to have their senses dulled by alcohol and you certainly won't be the last. __________________ It be my music and film collection. “A cynic by experience, a romantic by inclination and now a hero by necessity.”

02-26-2009, 07:58 PM	#93 (permalink)
likuidcoka MOuthWIdeSHut Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Hippocampus Posts: 85	I am a failure At life, at death At in between I have Idle time To fill with pain Its better than nothing I have done nothing in this life Perhaps the next one will be better Moving on, looking forward Looking up or looking down Wherever this world takes me I am a failure put me out of your mind I feel you on that one. __________________

02-27-2009, 10:03 AM	#95 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,172	You want my advice here it is. 1. You're not going to be taken seriously unless you get to 1,000 posts and not spamming. I.e. give them a reason to care about you enough to review your works. Are you someone whose personality we've come to know? None of this should really matter, but on Musicbanter, we don't like newbies coming here and demanding all our time. That may not be how you see it, but thats how they see it. 2. Write more, post writing less. Write a piece, leave it for three days, really wrestle with the intricate. The cliches are there because you're skipping over real feeling to get to some other point. 3. This goes for everyone. Look at your piece and the part you love the most. Not like, not are proud of, I mean ***ing love. Take that part out. Generally those pieces are too personal to make any god damned sense to readers. If you're writing for yourself, go crazy. If you're posting it, get it out. I'm thinking of the one guy who wrote "I want to fall in love and gently land on my feet." If you want my honest opinion, that line is awful; its cute, its clever, it belongs in an American Idol song. Theres nothing good about it, the line almost says "do you see what I did there? look at me!" I tend to love quite a few works by Frank O'Hara because he focuses almost entierly on the "who gives a ***" pieces of the day to day. But thats what matters. He never says look at me, he's very matter-of-fact. I'd suggested reading some of his pieces until something clicks. __________________ I've moved to a new address

03-06-2009, 03:44 PM	#97 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	Rockclimbing I'm a certified belayer and I will never let you fall even when the going gets tough and you hang upsidedown Dangling from a thin rope You are too precious for me to let fall Just keep climbing because if you fall I will always be there to catch you And all that will happen is you will hang suspended in midair until I lower you gently to the ground Then together you can climb up to the top again

03-06-2009, 05:57 PM	#98 (permalink)
jackhammer Ba and Be. Join Date: May 2007 Location: This Is England Posts: 17,331	I really just want to fall from the summit now.... __________________ It be my music and film collection. “A cynic by experience, a romantic by inclination and now a hero by necessity.”

03-06-2009, 06:16 PM	#99 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	Looks like your progressing in your poetry.

03-06-2009, 06:40 PM	#100 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	youve gotta stop writing "hi" on everything of youll get yourself banned. and you dont want that