A Burden in My Bed (bling, review, Ching, hands)

aveneficus · 02-08-2009, 11:46 AM

thoughts/criticisms appreciated

A Burden in My Bed
Awakening in the dark,
A man struck a match.
The light flickered on his face,
Pallets of color escaping grey eyes.
He reached for a cigarette,
And took one long drag.
Exhaling floating smoke,
Weightless in the stale, winter air.
Reaching beneath his pillow,
He withdrew a brandished pistol.
Stumbling towards the door,
And falling to his knees in hollow silence.
Forgetting the pistol on the hardwood,
The man struggled to reach his feet again.
His worn hands pulled the door ajar,
Harsh winds breaking the threshold.
He glanced outside,
But only momentarily.
Turning his back to the world,
Returning to pale blue sheets.
With cigarette still burning,
His head rest upon the pillow, softer than before.
Eyelids portraying a peaceful darkness,
His mouth, a carefree smile.
And as his body lost its feeling,
That faithful cigarette hit the floor.

Elvon · 02-08-2009, 01:28 PM

Not good at all (:

aveneficus · 02-09-2009, 04:12 PM

can some of the people on this site that actually intellect review this please.

02-08-2009, 11:46 AM	#1 (permalink)
aveneficus Groupie Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Cincinnati, OH Posts: 44	A Burden in My Bed thoughts/criticisms appreciated A Burden in My Bed Awakening in the dark, A man struck a match. The light flickered on his face, Pallets of color escaping grey eyes. He reached for a cigarette, And took one long drag. Exhaling floating smoke, Weightless in the stale, winter air. Reaching beneath his pillow, He withdrew a brandished pistol. Stumbling towards the door, And falling to his knees in hollow silence. Forgetting the pistol on the hardwood, The man struggled to reach his feet again. His worn hands pulled the door ajar, Harsh winds breaking the threshold. He glanced outside, But only momentarily. Turning his back to the world, Returning to pale blue sheets. With cigarette still burning, His head rest upon the pillow, softer than before. Eyelids portraying a peaceful darkness, His mouth, a carefree smile. And as his body lost its feeling, That faithful cigarette hit the floor. __________________ If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts

02-09-2009, 04:12 PM	#3 (permalink)
aveneficus Groupie Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Cincinnati, OH Posts: 44	can some of the people on this site that actually intellect review this please. __________________ If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts

02-08-2009, 01:28 PM	#2 (permalink)
Elvon Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Uppsala/Sweden Posts: 62	Not good at all (: