Looking for good constructive criticism... (lyrics, Kiss, song)

cmgypsy11 · 02-05-2009, 04:35 PM

please tell me what you think. I've copywritten it already, but will make future revisions, I'm sure. thank you!

Find a Love in Me

come and grace this pillow.
come and rest your soul.
these blankets, they billow,
as they watch us keep hold.

come and fill my bones.
come and kiss my air.
let the warmth prose the tones,
as we enfold in stare.

come and be,
to a dulcet degree.
stay with me,
in such simple reverie.

maybe thinking about adding some lines and making it a song... dunno yet.

Lutherfish · 02-05-2009, 08:39 PM

I like it. But I think that for it to be a song, you should maybe put more words in there for syllabic consistancy.
It just kind of drops near the end.

sleepy jack · 02-06-2009, 01:39 AM

http://www.musicbanter.com/song-writ...-policies.html

02-05-2009, 04:35 PM	#1 (permalink)
cmgypsy11 Groupie Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 4	Looking for good constructive criticism... please tell me what you think. I've copywritten it already, but will make future revisions, I'm sure. thank you! Find a Love in Me come and grace this pillow. come and rest your soul. these blankets, they billow, as they watch us keep hold. come and fill my bones. come and kiss my air. let the warmth prose the tones, as we enfold in stare. come and be, to a dulcet degree. stay with me, in such simple reverie. maybe thinking about adding some lines and making it a song... dunno yet.

02-05-2009, 08:39 PM	#2 (permalink)
Lutherfish Groupie Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 20	I like it. But I think that for it to be a song, you should maybe put more words in there for syllabic consistancy. It just kind of drops near the end. __________________ stimmt

02-06-2009, 01:39 AM	#3 (permalink)
sleepy jack isfckingdead Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 18,967	http://www.musicbanter.com/song-writ...-policies.html