Help with these lyrics would be much appreciated (dance, house)

Lutherfish · 02-02-2009, 04:42 PM

This seems to be a common thing but whatever.
I've always loved poetry and music, and after my girlfriend left me about a month ago,
well this weekend I listened to like 10 hours of Hollywood Undead, 3OH!3, Wired All Wrong, and Family Force 5.
I got up sunday morning and wrote nonstop.
I think it has potential to be at least a little bit okay.
But not many of my friends are into this.so help would be much appreciated.
here we have it:

Slap me, stab me
Shoot me, make me
Hate you, I’d hate to
Be phased over your face for too long
You ask me if something’s wrong
No it’s just a ****ing song
And no, from me nothings gone
And even now I couldn’t stop King Kong
You know that beast inside of me
My rage, anger, and fury
The mask I put on to assure me
That the world aint the ****ing jury
And you’re not the only person who can cure me
Surely from this sorrow
This **** will end tomorrow
Cause everyday I have to borrow
Smiles from your face like stolen cargo

I’m never gonna give them back
Someone’s got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night ‘fore I hit the sack
I see your face in front of me
Even though now it don’t mean jack
My god, now I’ve had enough, see

Why do you torture me so
With the knowledge that we know
This is unnecessary though
Yet you continue to be there
In the hallway on the stairs
Out of us, only me cares
How the **** did we get to that
I thought it was fine where me and you sat
That day I was taken so aback
In the position that I was at
Because of what we had
I’m mad and I’m sad
And I really highly doubt
With all that you brought about
This was the necessary route
I’m ****ing steaming and pouting
And ****ing screaming and shouting
I need all these feelings out
Even though…

I’m never gonna give them back
Someone’s got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night ‘fore I hit the sack
Think of the time said you loved me
Even though now it don’t mean jack
My god, now I’ve had enough, see

It used to be
I didn’t have to fear the day
When your words would hit me like a freight train
A couple of times it nearly came
Or felt that way
So Kalt wie Schnee
Yet everyday I hear your name
And see your face, it’s nearly the same
This dreary game and searing pain
I’m about to break, so clear the way
Nonetheless, I’m here today
Not sure if I wanna really stay
I mean, I know it’s over
And now I’m a loner
But never in my life have I wanted you closer
Cause now everything feels colder
Said me, “I just want to hold her
Talk for 5 hours cause I phoned her
And say ich lieb dich like I told her”
I wish these times were like the older
You called me a dork
I got you that spork
The hat from Warped Tour
14 no less or more
My face on your phone
That’s the über bones
Birthday graffiti
And loads of CDs
A purple one right
Had a Fight Club night
Painted your dresser
V for Vendetta
Baker’s-Halloween
You know what I mean
Dizzy Balloon rocks
Peace from Arkansas
Scared you after dark
Then met the gang at the park
Went to Quarantine
Then the Chittyville scene
Dinner at the Branch
Then Homecoming dance
The witch on my door
Yeah, our house for sure
Your lips are sticky
And now it’s just FICK DICH
I hate all these ****ing memories
But…

I’m never gonna give them back
Someone’s got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night ‘fore I hit the sack
Think you did all that stuff with me
Even though now it don’t mean jack
My god, now I’ve had enough, see

I’m never gonna give them back
Someone’s got to steal them from me
I gotta let go of the past
So whys it so hard suddenly
Every night ‘fore I hit the sack
I see your face in front of me
Think of the time you said you loved me
Think you did all that stuff with me
Didn’t think you’d had enough of me
I guess you’re really above me
If I’m inferior then **** ME

Lutherfish · 02-06-2009, 08:52 PM

Really, any feedback or comments would be very helpful.

aveneficus · 02-06-2009, 11:16 PM

all right well i read this before and didn't comment. i guess that's because you were right when you said this is a common thing.
the whole thing was really just a rant poorly structured into a confusing, harsh sounding rhyme scheme.
there's nothing wrong with writing to vent or whatever, but this wasn't exactly my cup of tea

Lutherfish · 02-07-2009, 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aveneficus

all right well i read this before and didn't comment. i guess that's because you were right when you said this is a common thing.
the whole thing was really just a rant poorly structured into a confusing, harsh sounding rhyme scheme.
there's nothing wrong with writing to vent or whatever, but this wasn't exactly my cup of tea

If I were to redo it, then what would you suggest I change?
Perhaps to make it more original and unique; or is it at the point of no return
and there is no way to recover this one?

Shoe · 02-13-2009, 11:35 PM

Well Lutherfish you seem to actually care about writing... this is kinda what my stuff looked like at first. But really its a little generic and some of the lines were just a little cheesy and whiny

"And even now I couldn’t stop King Kong"

"his was the necessary route
I’m ****ing steaming and pouting
And ****ing screaming and shouting
I need all these feelings out"

But keep writing man it takes practice. Be more abstract maybe? Give some originality.

Lutherfish · 02-14-2009, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shoe

Well Lutherfish you seem to actually care about writing... this is kinda what my stuff looked like at first. But really its a little generic and some of the lines were just a little cheesy and whiny

"And even now I couldn’t stop King Kong"

"his was the necessary route
I’m ****ing steaming and pouting
And ****ing screaming and shouting
I need all these feelings out"

But keep writing man it takes practice. Be more abstract maybe? Give some originality.

Any suggestions, mate?

Double X · 02-14-2009, 05:11 PM

Structure! Writing in a four line structure would be easier on the eyes and making it easier see ideas develop.

If it's a song, make sure you have a melody to it with a four line per stanza. If it's poetry...make it shorter. I would never read any poetry that long. Even if it's a masterpiece. Ideally between 16ish and 40ish for poetry, you have over a hundred.

Plus also make it meaningful. It seems like you just thrown every thought possible into it. I would condense it by eliminating at least half of it. Also it would clean out the dreary lines. There are so many ways to make writing interesting, use exaggerations, subtle metaphors, wordplay, masterful vocabulary. A lot of this is direct, simple, and a little dull for me.

Good luck writing though, practice will only make you better.

Lutherfish · 02-14-2009, 05:20 PM

This is my first song.
But it isn't a rock song, the verses will be rapped and I am still debating on
whether or not the chorus should be rapped,or sung, or screamed, or what.
Anyway, thanks for the input!
I think that I'll do a little revision, because a lot of people have said similar things.

Double X · 02-14-2009, 05:29 PM

If it is a rap, do a HUGE revision and add in a lot of wordplays and metaphors.

darkcornerinthecloset · 02-21-2009, 12:51 PM

when you rhyme, get a good rhyme scheme or dont bother at all. as you want to rap this, its good that you ended the lines of your stanzas wierdly so that people know its all one long run-one sentence. on the other hand, Double X is right, shorten your stanzas so its easier to read

02-02-2009, 04:42 PM	#1 (permalink)
Lutherfish Groupie Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 20	Help with these lyrics would be much appreciated This seems to be a common thing but whatever. I've always loved poetry and music, and after my girlfriend left me about a month ago, well this weekend I listened to like 10 hours of Hollywood Undead, 3OH!3, Wired All Wrong, and Family Force 5. I got up sunday morning and wrote nonstop. I think it has potential to be at least a little bit okay. But not many of my friends are into this.so help would be much appreciated. here we have it: Slap me, stab me Shoot me, make me Hate you, I’d hate to Be phased over your face for too long You ask me if something’s wrong No it’s just a **ing song And no, from me nothings gone And even now I couldn’t stop King Kong You know that beast inside of me My rage, anger, and fury The mask I put on to assure me That the world aint the ing jury And you’re not the only person who can cure me Surely from this sorrow This will end tomorrow Cause everyday I have to borrow Smiles from your face like stolen cargo I’m never gonna give them back Someone’s got to steal them from me I gotta let go of the past So whys it so hard suddenly Every night ‘fore I hit the sack I see your face in front of me Even though now it don’t mean jack My god, now I’ve had enough, see Why do you torture me so With the knowledge that we know This is unnecessary though Yet you continue to be there In the hallway on the stairs Out of us, only me cares How the did we get to that I thought it was fine where me and you sat That day I was taken so aback In the position that I was at Because of what we had I’m mad and I’m sad And I really highly doubt With all that you brought about This was the necessary route I’m ing steaming and pouting And ing screaming and shouting I need all these feelings out Even though… I’m never gonna give them back Someone’s got to steal them from me I gotta let go of the past So whys it so hard suddenly Every night ‘fore I hit the sack Think of the time said you loved me Even though now it don’t mean jack My god, now I’ve had enough, see It used to be I didn’t have to fear the day When your words would hit me like a freight train A couple of times it nearly came Or felt that way So Kalt wie Schnee Yet everyday I hear your name And see your face, it’s nearly the same This dreary game and searing pain I’m about to break, so clear the way Nonetheless, I’m here today Not sure if I wanna really stay I mean, I know it’s over And now I’m a loner But never in my life have I wanted you closer Cause now everything feels colder Said me, “I just want to hold her Talk for 5 hours cause I phoned her And say ich lieb dich like I told her” I wish these times were like the older You called me a dork I got you that spork The hat from Warped Tour 14 no less or more My face on your phone That’s the über bones Birthday graffiti And loads of CDs A purple one right Had a Fight Club night Painted your dresser V for Vendetta Baker’s-Halloween You know what I mean Dizzy Balloon rocks Peace from Arkansas Scared you after dark Then met the gang at the park Went to Quarantine Then the Chittyville scene Dinner at the Branch Then Homecoming dance The witch on my door Yeah, our house for sure Your lips are sticky And now it’s just FICK DICH I hate all these ing memories But… I’m never gonna give them back Someone’s got to steal them from me I gotta let go of the past So whys it so hard suddenly Every night ‘fore I hit the sack Think you did all that stuff with me Even though now it don’t mean jack My god, now I’ve had enough, see I’m never gonna give them back Someone’s got to steal them from me I gotta let go of the past So whys it so hard suddenly Every night ‘fore I hit the sack I see your face in front of me Think of the time you said you loved me Think you did all that stuff with me Didn’t think you’d had enough of me I guess you’re really above me If I’m inferior then ** ME

02-06-2009, 08:52 PM	#2 (permalink)
Lutherfish Groupie Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 20	Really, any feedback or comments would be very helpful. __________________ stimmt

02-06-2009, 11:16 PM	#3 (permalink)
aveneficus Groupie Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Cincinnati, OH Posts: 44	all right well i read this before and didn't comment. i guess that's because you were right when you said this is a common thing. the whole thing was really just a rant poorly structured into a confusing, harsh sounding rhyme scheme. there's nothing wrong with writing to vent or whatever, but this wasn't exactly my cup of tea __________________ If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts

02-14-2009, 05:20 PM	#8 (permalink)
Lutherfish Groupie Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 20	This is my first song. But it isn't a rock song, the verses will be rapped and I am still debating on whether or not the chorus should be rapped,or sung, or screamed, or what. Anyway, thanks for the input! I think that I'll do a little revision, because a lot of people have said similar things. __________________ stimmt

02-14-2009, 05:11 PM	#7 (permalink)
Double X sleepe Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: boston Posts: 1,140	Structure! Writing in a four line structure would be easier on the eyes and making it easier see ideas develop. If it's a song, make sure you have a melody to it with a four line per stanza. If it's poetry...make it shorter. I would never read any poetry that long. Even if it's a masterpiece. Ideally between 16ish and 40ish for poetry, you have over a hundred. Plus also make it meaningful. It seems like you just thrown every thought possible into it. I would condense it by eliminating at least half of it. Also it would clean out the dreary lines. There are so many ways to make writing interesting, use exaggerations, subtle metaphors, wordplay, masterful vocabulary. A lot of this is direct, simple, and a little dull for me. Good luck writing though, practice will only make you better.

02-14-2009, 05:29 PM	#9 (permalink)
Double X sleepe Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: boston Posts: 1,140	If it is a rap, do a HUGE revision and add in a lot of wordplays and metaphors.

02-21-2009, 12:51 PM	#10 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	when you rhyme, get a good rhyme scheme or dont bother at all. as you want to rap this, its good that you ended the lines of your stanzas wierdly so that people know its all one long run-one sentence. on the other hand, Double X is right, shorten your stanzas so its easier to read