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-   -   the-hippy's Songwriting Journal (https://www.musicbanter.com/song-writing-lyrics-poetry/36859-hippys-songwriting-journal.html)

the-hippy 01-30-2009 03:04 PM

the-hippy's Songwriting Journal
 
Not afraid

Today I have no regrets
As to how I lived my life
Now I’m plunging down into a nightmare
I’m not afraid

The phoenix comes up beside me
It offers to save me
I push it aside and continue to fall
As I am not afraid

Fear is nothing
Fear is merely a cover pulled over our eyes
By our mind
To stop us seeing the world that is really there

Once you see what we are being protected from
The fear of everything is lost
Your life is lived in a way that should not be lived
A world of anarchy slavery and the dead
But I am still not afraid

Hey look it’s a schizophrenic psycho
He’s coming for me with a knife in his hand
I don’t know when or how he’s going to get me
I still feel no fear of this nightmare

The light beams across my eyes
I wake with a simple and un-frightened sigh
I take a look to my side
All is how it used to be familiar and clean

But I feel a light breeze
I look to my other side and see a world of destruction and war
Today I DO have regrets as to how I lived my life
Today I am afraid.


thanks keep writing:band:

Monita Bonita 01-30-2009 03:20 PM

songgggggg
 
That song was amazing. Honestly, it had so much meaning, and so much potential. It really touched my heart. It looks like you put a lot of time into that, and just think, if you didn't imagine how BEAUTIFUL it would be if you did!
Keep writing, you never know what will happen!

Monita Bonita 01-30-2009 03:32 PM

Well, I wrote a song. But some may see it as a poem; view it however, f
 
Her hair was up in a pony-tail,
her favorite dress tied in a bow.
Today was Daddy's day at school,
and she couldn't wait to go.
But her Mommy tried to tell her,
that she should probably stay home.
Why the kids might now understand,
if she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid.
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her
classmates, of why he wasn't there.
But still her Mother worried,
for her to face this day alone.
And that is why once again,
she tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school,
eager to tell them all,
about the Dad she never sees,
a Dad who never calls.
You tell me, is this a Dad?

the-hippy 01-30-2009 03:35 PM

excelent poem/song keep going you never know where it may lead:thumb:

Monita Bonita 01-30-2009 04:39 PM

thankss

Elvon 01-31-2009 01:24 AM

Awesome lyrics! (:

Monita Bonita 01-31-2009 01:44 AM

i deffinantly think that we both have potention to become great writers. !

the-hippy 01-31-2009 02:55 AM

another song :D
 
i have been busy writing this song tell me what you think

Little star.

Even though I’m gone
I feel I’m hanging on
Right were I belong
You watched me come
Now your watching me go

One day I’ll be able to come back
And see you for so ever long
I’ll hold onto you
I wont ever let go
Even though we both know
It will be time to set off once again

I look at the stars
They help me hang on
If only I didn’t take the gamble
Had to bet it all
Bet it all
Even though I had to go
You should know
Your all I think about

The light is creeping in once again
Its time to let go
yes I know
You have to live your day thinking of me
But not being able to see me

How was I supposed to know
He had the blade of darkness
Concealed within
It left me with more than a scar
It left me without you

The stars come by you
You clutch my hand tight
You rest your lips on my head
But I’m already looking down on you
From my star high above

My grip has slipped
I have left you
I know I was hanging on
But know I’m gone
This is where I belong

I’m sorry that I missed your final call
But one day we will meet again
We will be building walls together
In the land of no shadows
On our own little star
Free of pain and scars…

Monita Bonita 01-31-2009 09:21 PM

That's absolutely amazing.
I haven't written a song lately, I wrote the one above, like 2 years ago.
You really should publish them.
:)

the-hippy 02-01-2009 03:37 AM

annother quick song :D
 
angels

The angels hover above us
As we lie on the on our backs
Side by side
Under the stars
Those angels keep looking down on us
They make sure you keep your innocence
To make sure it all goes the way fate planned it
The way fate planned us

In the corner of my eye
I see you turn
To face me
I glance across towards you
Your eyes they lock with mine
I cant pull away
But I wont let it go to waste
Its like I’m floating up in the darkness
Your everything I need
I cant pull my eyes from your beauty
This is my reward

You simply smile and look back at the stars of the summer
You begin your hymn of love
Time passes on
My love for you gets greater with every word you sing
The perfection in your voice
The complexity of your mind its like nobody else
My feelings for you are un-parallel

The angels hover above us
As we lie on the on our backs
Side by side
Under the stars
Those angels keep looking down on us
They make sure you keep your innocence
To make sure it all goes the way fate planned it
The way fate planned us

You get up and walk away
You look back
You don’t want to forget
But you know things wont work the way fate planned us
The angels just cant stop what you know is right for you

You know where you belong
Just hanging on
Even though
Angels hover so

The angels fall
They take the hope with them
The fate gets crushed under
Under your life.



enjoy:thumb:

Wifey Boozer 02-01-2009 04:26 PM

Quote:

annother quick song
Exactly. You're too quick... how much time did you spend with this piece? And why did you write it? It doesn't seem to be about anything other than a non-terrifying acid trip.

the-hippy 02-02-2009 08:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wifey Boozer (Post 588926)
Exactly. You're too quick... how much time did you spend with this piece?

when i titled the thread i was refering to the length of the peice
its definatly not my best but i like it and i was curious of what other people thought

Wifey Boozer 02-02-2009 05:13 PM

Well there you go.

ADELE 02-02-2009 06:44 PM

when i was at primary school i entered a poetry competition with every school and I wrote

there was an old lady from leeds
who ate a whole packet of seeds
in less then an hour
she became a large flower
and strangled all the kids who were weeds!

and it won the competition and got published in a book called rabbiting on.
thing is one teacher didn't like me and she never told me about the award ceremony and because I didn't turn up they gave the prizes to the second place girl who got a stereo, vouchers and loads of toys.
I found out back at school and just got a pen.
The girls poem was the usual crap like
the dew on the trees makes me sad like a buttercup in the sky or whatever.
I hate poems that are like that.
The stars sparkled like a jewel in my tears.....
poems should be witty otherwise they are just someones own silly waffling trying to be profound.
I liked this persons poem though.
Because it has a narrative and makes use of words in a cyclical yet unrepetitive way.
It also is unpretentous and shows longing and is youthfull showing love and lust and the nature of it's cyclical swirling nature verging on insanity yet been quite common.
I say to the author great stuff and you can always tweak the words and make it even better.

aveneficus 02-02-2009 08:31 PM

Adele, that was entirely irrelevant

lucifer_sam 02-02-2009 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ADELE (Post 589524)
poems should be witty otherwise they are just someones own silly waffling trying to be profound.

Is this your secret to writing poetry?

ADELE 02-02-2009 11:33 PM

I write rhymes not poems.
If we take ourselves too seriously then all life is is one upmanship like big cities all full of hate and malice leading enevitably to war and oppression.
I left the big city behind and I am now at peace.
Believe me young people, don't be kurt cobains be happy.
I am sorry Urban.
I like to mock and joke and have a laugh otherwise it is just....i like radiohead......i don't like them.....i don't either.......well you are wrong I think they are good etc etc.
By the way when will savanagh next be online.
I'd like discuss the merits of the cultural movements in music with her!!!!!!!

aveneficus 02-03-2009 10:26 AM

you and everything you stand for, rather--the fact that you stand for nothing, is obnoxious.
From what you're saying, your life is entirely meaningless.

Shoe 02-03-2009 05:39 PM

In my opinion the song sounds a little cheesy. I'm not sure what it is but it makes me kind of uncomfortable reading it. Just my opinion I guess but... yeah there you go.

the-hippy 02-05-2009 01:43 PM

untitled song
 
i finished this song yesterday but i cant think of a title for it so help with that would be great
also i think it could be longer before the last verse so any help is much appriciated.


You said you loved me
Then you went and used me
I asked you why
You said I shouldn’t take it so hard
Yeah well here’s the thing

I may look strong on the outside
But girl
My heart
It bleeds on the inside

I didn’t see you for weeks
I took a walk down the street
I see you there with someone else
You say it wasn’t what it seemed
If it wasn’t what it seemed then what was it then

I may look strong on the outside
But girl
My heart
It bleeds on the inside

you’ve made your own ending
you’ve chosen how your going to live your life
You took it all away
Just to shove it in my face

Nobody told me what to do
Nobody told me where to hide
What to do
What to say
When you shoved it in my face
You took it all away

My life’s a circuit
Some how
it always finds it’s way back round
To the beginning where it all began
Loving someone
With my bleeding heart

I catch your gaze
You look away
You know about me
You don’t want me to say…
…what love is all about

My life’s a circuit
Some how
it always finds it’s way back round
To the beginning where it all began
Loving someone
With my bleeding heart

Elvon 02-07-2009 03:12 PM

I didnt like it, but I dont know what others may say about this. ^^

aveneficus 02-09-2009 03:31 PM

This song wasn't particularly well written, in fact in reminded me of a bad hit song
Quote:

Nobody told me what to do
Nobody told me where to hide
What to do
What to say
When you shoved it in my face
You took it all away
Listen to Take It All Away by Puddle of Mudd.. it sounds unmistakably similar..

the-hippy 04-25-2009 04:45 PM

summers here
 
Summers here

There’s swallows and mud-pies
So I must say
Summer is here
Now watch me spin circles round you dear

But I don’t want the sun to set
Cus tomorrow morning your leaving me here
Our record together is coming to an end
You would rather walk away with someone I don’t know

I just want to ask you to come back
But I just cant think how
Why do you have to go?
You don’t know what your missing
All this time I just wanted to kiss you but I…

Your perfect do you know?
I could only sing those depressing love songs
But you, you could sing them all
But now please can you stay with me?
Cus your walking down a road I don’t know.

Remember that time we went to see our favourite band
We talked of our strangest dreams
Where did this go?
I remember talking bout sunsets with you
Well this is our final sunset

But I don’t want the sun to set
Cus tomorrow morning your leaving me here
Our record together is coming to an end
You would rather walk away with someone I don’t know

I’m sat in our room
Looking at your fur coat and favourite boots
And a note all you wrote was you’ll be gone by morning
I’m having trouble handling this
All I wanted to do was give you that very last kiss but I just didn’t know how

Your perfect do you know?
I could only sing those depressing love songs
But you, you could sing them all
But now please can you stay with me?
Cus your walking down a road I don’t know.

You know your missing out girl cus boy would I kiss you.

Naked 04-27-2009 11:10 PM

Take out the last line, and it's good.

Freebase Dali 04-28-2009 01:41 AM

It all seems vaguely adolescent. Maybe I'd need to hear it in context with the music. Dunno.
For now, my vote is: Scrap it.

Naked 04-28-2009 08:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Veridical Fiction (Post 647814)
It all seems vaguely adolescent. Maybe I'd need to hear it in context with the music. Dunno.
For now, my vote is: Scrap it.

It is amateur writing, but when I look back at where I started I'm appalled.
My real advice is to study what you've wrote here, and improve on it. Repetition can be good, but how can you make it more subtle? Think of different ways to say simple things, something that describes their complexity more. This can also help with rhyming, which you will learn is not as important as flow. Take this verse I wrote yesterday for another song:

She molded her brain
from her dead mother's clay
covered in ink blot stains
that form pictures of what she thinks
for her to display

That's an example of things like rhyming mid line (Ink, think) and creating imagery. I could say the exact same thing with this line:
She learned her art skills from her mother, and ever since she died it is all she's been able to do.
But that wouldn't be as poetic now, would it?

coryallen2 04-28-2009 10:46 AM

Corny love song FTW!

the-hippy 05-10-2009 07:19 AM

help with this song?
 
i posted this song earlier on in the forum but i could do with some help with it...i think it has some good ideas behind it but it just looses all rythem mid-verse so all help/critisism would be appreciated...thanks

Summers Here

Swallows, mud-pies
This goes to show
Summer is here
but I’m shivering under these blue sky’s

but sun, please don’t set
Tomorrow she’ll be gone
Our record together will come to an end
You would rather walk away with someone I don’t know

I just want to ask you to come back
But I just cant think how
Why do you have to go?
You don’t know what your missing
All this time I just wanted to kiss you but I…

I could only sing those depressing love songs
But you, you could sing them all
But now please can you stay with me?
Cus your walking down a road I don’t know.

Remember that time we went to see your favourite band
We talked of our strangest dreams
Where did this go?
I remember talking bout sunsets with you
Well this is our final sunset

But I don’t want the sun to set
Cus tomorrow morning your leaving me here
Our record together is coming to an end
You would rather walk away with someone I don’t know

I’m sat in our room
Looking at your fur coat and favourite boots
And a note all you wrote was you’ll be gone by morning
I’m having trouble handling this
All I wanted to do was give you that very last kiss but I just didn’t know how

Your perfect do you know?
I could only sing those depressing love songs
But you, you could sing them all
But now please can you stay with me?
Cus your walking down a road I don’t know.

TumorAttitude 05-10-2009 08:16 AM

Huh. Its great, but a few lines seem out of place. "Now watch me spin circles round you dear" doesn't really go with the rest of the song...And you could replace "But you, you could sing them all" with "you could sing anything"....also maybe add some about how the weather is warm, but you feel cold and awful because shes leaving?

the-hippy 05-10-2009 08:43 AM

thanks for the tips i think it flows alot better now

Freebase Dali 05-13-2009 02:14 AM

I dunno...
This doesn't really seem like much more than a person verbalizing their thoughts during a boring movie.

the-hippy 05-13-2009 12:07 PM

if you want me to, new song
 
i wrote this song about this girl i met a few weeks ago...enjoy!
If you want me to
If you believe the way we are is the way we are meant to be
Then come to me and see where this road may lead
Cuz I could love you, I would love you, I will love you…
But only if you want me to.

I’ve only heard rumours ’bout you..
But hey, my pockets are already full with my gifts for you
They say you like guys like me…already I feel I know you right through
I want to come see you, but its ok if you don’t want me to

I’m always thinking about you, I’ve been awake all day
wondering what it would be like if we were dating
I would follow you round the world ‘bout a million times
Cuz I cant get you out of my mind, but only if you want to
(but only if you want me to, cant get you out of my mind)

I know you through fate
My life has been awakened by my love for you
This feels like a brand new slate
You and I, we should go out tonight
Cuz I feel like you, lost in the moment, need a clue?
The worlds so big, its not easy to choose who is right
But sometimes it just clicks and you can see just who…

I know you through fate
My life has been awakened by my love for you
This feels like a brand new slate
You and I, we should go out tonight
Cuz I feel like you, lost in the moment, need a clue?
The worlds so big, its not easy to choose who is right
But sometimes it just clicks and you can see just who…
And my who…is you.

We could run away leave this world behind
See the stars, watch the moon-shine - on your face, by my side
There’s something changing inside me, and I bet its changing inside you too
I love you, I love you, I love you but only if you want me to


I know I drove into your life so quickly but I don’t mind but I need a minute to think what to do next
I keep thinking bout you I’ve dreamin’ bout you but I still cant keep my mind off you
I keep waiting on you, I keep talking bout you.
I just cant keep you out of my mind, cant keep you out of my mind (out of my mind, out of my mind)

I know you through fate
My life has been awakened by my love for you
This feels like a brand new slate
You and I, we should go out tonight
Cuz I feel like you, lost in the moment, need a clue?
The worlds so big, its not easy to choose who is right
But sometimes it just clicks and you can see just who…

I know you through fate
My life has been awakened by my love for you
This feels like a brand new slate
You and I, we should go out tonight
Cuz I feel like you, lost in the moment, need a clue?
The worlds so big, its not easy to choose who is right
But sometimes it just clicks and you can see just who…
And my who…is you.

Hey look at me, I’m the guy who’s jumpin’ off the walls for you
Most guys think I’m mad to be doing this for some girl I don’t even know
But I know they just wanna be where I am
But I wont be here if you don’t want me to

Nicktarist 05-13-2009 09:52 PM

My most important note to you is to keep it simple. Your adding more words than are necessarily needed. Change some simple phrases into one word (it could be simple or complex). I would also recommend you change the audience from your girl to the audience. Always keep in mind that the Audience is the one your singing to and you should only narrow it if you are really desperate for this girl and you need the audience to hear it. Otherwise, you should keep it purely story-telling.

I would also try some rhyming techniques like Internal Rhyming (I'm the Man Who Loves You- Wilco), Assonance (Tenuousness- Andrew Bird), Consonance (Let it Be- The Beatles) and consider using some more allusions (Jon Foreman's songs are littered with em')

Another recommendation is that you should use a specific pattern. Like in Iron & Wine's "Upward Over the Mountain", he starts off with 'mother' in every line of the verse.

Greatfully, you've got a base, now start ironing it out. Here's a link that helped me alot first time: folksong.org.nz/composing. (I can't post links yet :( ) It starts off slow, but it should help you out allot.

peace,
-nick

Trauma 05-13-2009 10:05 PM

Sounds like you're stalking her.

Janszoon 05-13-2009 10:24 PM

Two threads about the same song merged.

Naked 05-14-2009 11:39 PM

I like it as a pop song, kind of like beach boys western pop or fleet foxes.

Yah, it does. What's the meaning?

Guybrush 05-16-2009 06:23 AM

hippy, your threads have been merged into one.

Read : http://www.musicbanter.com/song-writ...e-posting.html

Send me or another mod a PM with a link to this thread if you want us to change the name.


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