Elvon

I didnt like it, but I dont know what others may say about this. ^^

aveneficus

This song wasn't particularly well written, in fact in reminded me of a bad hit song
Listen to Take It All Away by Puddle of Mudd.. it sounds unmistakably similar..

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the-hippy

Summers here

There’s swallows and mud-pies
So I must say
Summer is here
Now watch me spin circles round you dear

But I don’t want the sun to set
Cus tomorrow morning your leaving me here
Our record together is coming to an end
You would rather walk away with someone I don’t know

I just want to ask you to come back
But I just cant think how
Why do you have to go?
You don’t know what your missing
All this time I just wanted to kiss you but I…

Your perfect do you know?
I could only sing those depressing love songs
But you, you could sing them all
But now please can you stay with me?
Cus your walking down a road I don’t know.

Remember that time we went to see our favourite band
We talked of our strangest dreams
Where did this go?
I remember talking bout sunsets with you
Well this is our final sunset

But I don’t want the sun to set
Cus tomorrow morning your leaving me here
Our record together is coming to an end
You would rather walk away with someone I don’t know

I’m sat in our room
Looking at your fur coat and favourite boots
And a note all you wrote was you’ll be gone by morning
I’m having trouble handling this
All I wanted to do was give you that very last kiss but I just didn’t know how

Your perfect do you know?
I could only sing those depressing love songs
But you, you could sing them all
But now please can you stay with me?
Cus your walking down a road I don’t know.

You know your missing out girl cus boy would I kiss you.

Naked

Take out the last line, and it's good.

Freebase Dali

It all seems vaguely adolescent. Maybe I'd need to hear it in context with the music. Dunno.
For now, my vote is: Scrap it.

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Naked

It is amateur writing, but when I look back at where I started I'm appalled.
My real advice is to study what you've wrote here, and improve on it. Repetition can be good, but how can you make it more subtle? Think of different ways to say simple things, something that describes their complexity more. This can also help with rhyming, which you will learn is not as important as flow. Take this verse I wrote yesterday for another song:

She molded her brain
from her dead mother's clay
covered in ink blot stains
that form pictures of what she thinks
for her to display

That's an example of things like rhyming mid line (Ink, think) and creating imagery. I could say the exact same thing with this line:
She learned her art skills from her mother, and ever since she died it is all she's been able to do.
But that wouldn't be as poetic now, would it?

coryallen2

Corny love song FTW!

the-hippy

i posted this song earlier on in the forum but i could do with some help with it...i think it has some good ideas behind it but it just looses all rythem mid-verse so all help/critisism would be appreciated...thanks

Summers Here

Swallows, mud-pies
This goes to show
Summer is here
but I’m shivering under these blue sky’s

but sun, please don’t set
Tomorrow she’ll be gone
Our record together will come to an end
You would rather walk away with someone I don’t know

I just want to ask you to come back
But I just cant think how
Why do you have to go?
You don’t know what your missing
All this time I just wanted to kiss you but I…

I could only sing those depressing love songs
But you, you could sing them all
But now please can you stay with me?
Cus your walking down a road I don’t know.

Remember that time we went to see your favourite band
We talked of our strangest dreams
Where did this go?
I remember talking bout sunsets with you
Well this is our final sunset

But I don’t want the sun to set
Cus tomorrow morning your leaving me here
Our record together is coming to an end
You would rather walk away with someone I don’t know

I’m sat in our room
Looking at your fur coat and favourite boots
And a note all you wrote was you’ll be gone by morning
I’m having trouble handling this
All I wanted to do was give you that very last kiss but I just didn’t know how

Your perfect do you know?
I could only sing those depressing love songs
But you, you could sing them all
But now please can you stay with me?
Cus your walking down a road I don’t know.

TumorAttitude

Huh. Its great, but a few lines seem out of place. "Now watch me spin circles round you dear" doesn't really go with the rest of the song...And you could replace "But you, you could sing them all" with "you could sing anything"....also maybe add some about how the weather is warm, but you feel cold and awful because shes leaving?

the-hippy

thanks for the tips i think it flows alot better now