Senses and Suicide Poem (rapper, memories, songs, Lute)

aveneficus · 01-04-2009, 07:23 PM

This is a poem I wrote during english class. The prompt was relating a peppermint to the five senses, and I went an entire different direction with it due to having been preoccupied with a friend's recent suicide.

12.15.08
The pain of loss exceeds the sweetest of simplicities,
Death too soon overshadows these striped candies.
This peppermint brings out memories:
The Sight of a little girl, smiling, running, candy in hand.
The Sound of my father's jaw snapping at the dinner table.
Yet again the mind will return to darkness.
Oh, the Taste of sweet sorrow, the Aroma of regret.
Realizations that came days, months, years too late.
A life has been taken
"Hold on, if you feel like letting go."
By the absence of a mother,
"Hold on,"
The apathy of a father,
"It gets better than you know."
And the carelessness of humanity.
Here i sit in this desk, crinkling an empty wrapper.
Somewhere, there is an empty desk, an empty bed.
And empty hearts that lay awake,
Writing personal letters of regret, never to be sent.
And with that fifth sense, we Feel nothing.

Let me know what you think.

~~josh.averes~~ · 01-04-2009, 07:25 PM

I think it is great.
I like poems and songs that incorporate two thought/ ideas/ feelings and turn out great, such as this.
Top class!

deep_and_depressing · 01-06-2009, 05:39 PM

That's good as well. Is all of your work that depressing? I like a lot of it!

aveneficus · 01-08-2009, 08:59 PM

For the most part what I write is somewhat depressing.
I find it hard to write about happiness, because I'm content when I am happy.

Arya Stark · 01-12-2009, 09:07 PM

That was... absolutely phenomenol.

Well done.

Wow.

darkcornerinthecloset · 02-21-2009, 02:43 PM

thats got to be the best poem ive ever read, or at least the one ive enjoyed most

Feign · 02-21-2009, 04:59 PM

The emotion was right on, I think you couldn't do any more justice to your friend than this. A poem is one of the most meaningful things to me, and I know your friend would appreciate this. Again, great great job.

Rob-Boy · 02-21-2009, 05:05 PM

It's decent given the prompt, but i think it's funny that you bolded lines that you borrowed from a good charlotte song.

Feign · 02-21-2009, 05:10 PM

It could do without bold and italics. Subtlety can go a long way.

Schizotypic · 02-21-2009, 08:44 PM

Well, it isn't written perfectly, but it does have something that makes it seriously phenomenal. I think it's the way you related the peppermint to your friend, it was beautiful, really. By the way, I am very sorry about your friend. I'm always telling people this and I'm sure you have some people to talk to, but I'm always here to pm or something. It seems wierd, I know, but I couldn't resist myself from at least offering just in case. I hate suicide.

01-04-2009, 07:23 PM	#1 (permalink)
aveneficus Groupie Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Cincinnati, OH Posts: 44	Senses and Suicide Poem This is a poem I wrote during english class. The prompt was relating a peppermint to the five senses, and I went an entire different direction with it due to having been preoccupied with a friend's recent suicide. 12.15.08 The pain of loss exceeds the sweetest of simplicities, Death too soon overshadows these striped candies. This peppermint brings out memories: The Sight of a little girl, smiling, running, candy in hand. The Sound of my father's jaw snapping at the dinner table. Yet again the mind will return to darkness. Oh, the Taste of sweet sorrow, the Aroma of regret. Realizations that came days, months, years too late. A life has been taken "Hold on, if you feel like letting go." By the absence of a mother, "Hold on," The apathy of a father, "It gets better than you know." And the carelessness of humanity. Here i sit in this desk, crinkling an empty wrapper. Somewhere, there is an empty desk, an empty bed. And empty hearts that lay awake, Writing personal letters of regret, never to be sent. And with that fifth sense, we Feel nothing. Let me know what you think.

01-06-2009, 05:39 PM	#3 (permalink)
deep_and_depressing Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 73	That's good as well. Is all of your work that depressing? I like a lot of it! __________________ My life was like a fairytale . . . Except I left Mr. Charming for his sister

01-08-2009, 08:59 PM	#4 (permalink)
aveneficus Groupie Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Cincinnati, OH Posts: 44	For the most part what I write is somewhat depressing. I find it hard to write about happiness, because I'm content when I am happy. __________________ If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts

02-21-2009, 05:05 PM	#8 (permalink)
Rob-Boy Groupie Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Alberta, Canada Posts: 14	It's decent given the prompt, but i think it's funny that you bolded lines that you borrowed from a good charlotte song. __________________ Paper Ghost

01-04-2009, 07:25 PM	#2 (permalink)
~~josh.averes~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: New Zeeeealand Posts: 11	I think it is great. I like poems and songs that incorporate two thought/ ideas/ feelings and turn out great, such as this. Top class!

01-12-2009, 09:07 PM	#5 (permalink)
Arya Stark "Hermione-Lite" Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: New York. Posts: 3,084	That was... absolutely phenomenol. Well done. Wow.

02-21-2009, 02:43 PM	#6 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	thats got to be the best poem ive ever read, or at least the one ive enjoyed most

02-21-2009, 04:59 PM	#7 (permalink)
Feign Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: California Posts: 66	The emotion was right on, I think you couldn't do any more justice to your friend than this. A poem is one of the most meaningful things to me, and I know your friend would appreciate this. Again, great great job.

02-21-2009, 05:10 PM	#9 (permalink)
Feign Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: California Posts: 66	It could do without bold and italics. Subtlety can go a long way.

02-21-2009, 08:44 PM	#10 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	Well, it isn't written perfectly, but it does have something that makes it seriously phenomenal. I think it's the way you related the peppermint to your friend, it was beautiful, really. By the way, I am very sorry about your friend. I'm always telling people this and I'm sure you have some people to talk to, but I'm always here to pm or something. It seems wierd, I know, but I couldn't resist myself from at least offering just in case. I hate suicide.