First of all I did like this, but you did ask for criticism so I'll tell you what I think.
Like you said, it was a little scattered, but it's definitely a good start. I especially enjoyed the ant imagery/comparison.
As I was reading it though, it did seem a bit wordy, like you were perhaps trying to hard. Seemed as if you might've used a thesaurus to write it. Whether this is true or not, using complex words can be a good thing, but I feel like this poem might've had an excess. Although, it is much better to start out too complicated, rather than too simple. Kudos on the first attempt, keep writing.
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01-04-2009, 08:23 PM
Linear Mode
