Rubber's Songwriting Journal

pahuuuta · 04-21-2009, 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thrice

shooot man, anything can be sung!

but some things are better not being sung.

Rubber · 04-21-2009, 02:47 PM

yeah go ahead dreadnaught.

Stone Birds · 04-23-2009, 07:41 AM

good but it seems like your using too many strange metaphors. for example cardboard vessel, Han solo mold. maybe loosen it a bit so people can get a meaning of the song

Rubber · 04-24-2009, 05:39 PM

okay.

~~TumorAttitude~~ · 04-25-2009, 09:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rubber

open up and receive
the crackling of cardboard vessels
pulmonary and pure.
wiffle ball functioneer
of oxygen withdrawal.

I would change "wiffle ball"

doppelgängered from Han Solo mold
and so is sewn, the smiles of the bold

I'm sorry, I hate this part. It would be so much better without.

a ragtag firefly militia
to be massacred in the backyard
by jar armed juveniles.
exotic golden glow
extinguished
by the instruments of innocence.

I would change "backyard" and maybe you would have more progress if you came up with a metaphor you really liked and stuck to it throughout a song.

Rubber · 05-27-2009, 03:19 PM

woo I like this whole merge deal.

Rubber · 09-26-2009, 12:58 AM

novelty
honesty was just a passing dream
an old friend I had grown apart from
now objecting silently in the corner.
my neurons clamor
firing out the latest piston chic.
my thoughts have been thought before
but now they are mine.
these pupils have sensed the starlight caress
like so many before
with no novelty lost.

Nicktarist · 09-26-2009, 10:41 AM

Quote:

my thoughts have been thought before
but now they are mine.

Love this line. Actually, whether this particular poem had an obvious meaning or not, it's flow and sound are great. I want to hear music to that one.

peace,
-nick

PS. Wes Montgomery is one of my top 10 favorite guitar players of all time.

Rubber · 09-29-2009, 09:34 PM

interpret
if only I could decipher the language of heartbeat
speak the tongue of eye shift
sing the song of key word
no more traipsing through dead garden
no more
no longer
interim head warden
of empty cell
you can find me
on the park bench

Rubber · 11-03-2009, 03:33 PM

unt. #4
loose ankles
loose muscles
loose lips
lilted little leeway tunnels left vacant for the acquittal
less stones on the shore
more mud on the water
nothin' like the love of a father for his daughter
and the whales pray
in the ocean's open heat
when there's nowhere left to hide
and there's nothin' left to eat

04-21-2009, 02:47 PM	#52 (permalink)
Rubber sidewalks Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Novi Posts: 401	yeah go ahead dreadnaught. __________________ and we stayed, sixteen.

04-24-2009, 05:39 PM	#54 (permalink)
Rubber sidewalks Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Novi Posts: 401	okay. __________________ and we stayed, sixteen.

05-27-2009, 03:19 PM	#56 (permalink)
Rubber sidewalks Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Novi Posts: 401	woo I like this whole merge deal. __________________ and we stayed, sixteen.

09-26-2009, 12:58 AM	#57 (permalink)
Rubber sidewalks Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Novi Posts: 401	novelty honesty was just a passing dream an old friend I had grown apart from now objecting silently in the corner. my neurons clamor firing out the latest piston chic. my thoughts have been thought before but now they are mine. these pupils have sensed the starlight caress like so many before with no novelty lost. __________________ and we stayed, sixteen. Last edited by Rubber; 09-26-2009 at 09:28 AM.

09-29-2009, 09:34 PM	#59 (permalink)
Rubber sidewalks Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Novi Posts: 401	interpret if only I could decipher the language of heartbeat speak the tongue of eye shift sing the song of key word no more traipsing through dead garden no more no longer interim head warden of empty cell you can find me on the park bench __________________ and we stayed, sixteen.

04-23-2009, 07:41 AM	#53 (permalink)
Stone Birds myspace.com/stonebirdies Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Conor Oberst Was/is Here Posts: 1,401	good but it seems like your using too many strange metaphors. for example cardboard vessel, Han solo mold. maybe loosen it a bit so people can get a meaning of the song

11-03-2009, 03:33 PM	#60 (permalink)
Rubber sidewalks Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Novi Posts: 401	unt. #4 loose ankles loose muscles loose lips lilted little leeway tunnels left vacant for the acquittal less stones on the shore more mud on the water nothin' like the love of a father for his daughter and the whales pray in the ocean's open heat when there's nowhere left to hide and there's nothin' left to eat __________________ and we stayed, sixteen.