Rubber's Songwriting Journal

Antonio · 03-22-2009, 12:54 PM

yea i thought this was gonna be about the movie haha

but yes it's a very good writing

Rubber · 03-22-2009, 01:41 PM

Hm...doesn't look like I can change the name. Oh well.

Rubber · 03-24-2009, 09:37 PM

The shadows of weeds emerge
from cracks in the sidewalk to
chew my shoe laces.

You land butterfly kisses on my knuckles
just
before the punch
That displaces air like
jigsaw magic.
It greets the surface
with meteoric customs.

Listen to yourself, your howls.

Root-spread nerve endings
sing the joyous
chorus of pain
to your brain.
The world turns through a skew
ed time funnel,
Distorted through a lens
Perforated with blind spots.
In hind sight, hind sight is a luxury.

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-26-2009, 07:36 PM

if i may; why did you separate "skewed" into two different lines?

Rubber · 03-26-2009, 09:42 PM

just a stylistic thing I felt like trying out. skewing the word skewed.

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-29-2009, 07:47 AM

ohh. if you think of it like that it makes more sense

Schizotypic · 03-29-2009, 12:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rubber

just a stylistic thing I felt like trying out. skewing the word skewed.

Yeah, concret poetry is cool sometimes (where you create a concept by physically doing something to your poem, like making it in the shape of a tree). Not really my favorite device personally, but I can appreciate it.

I can't tell, or didn't spend enough time, figuring what the work as a whole means and was only able to pick-up bits and pieces. But I like the feeling of some of the imagery, it seems raw. "Root-spread nerve endings" That's painful to hear, for example. Unless you purposefully fluctuated the mood of your poem and I'm missing it because I missed the meaning, my advice would be to try and keep that raw mood throughout the work.

Overall, decent work though. Better then I thought it would be, maybe I'll read over some more of yours but I am sort of staped for time lately. But again, really liking some of the raw imagery.

Nation · 03-31-2009, 08:11 PM

Great concept, but it doesn't really flow, and it doesn't make sense.
I'd like to see you write some stuff that has more of a rhythm people can pick up on, or else a short story or limerick.

Your a good writer though.

333 · 04-03-2009, 01:05 PM

I think it has great flow and imagery. The story is a little vague. I'm having a hard time deciphering whether it is an emotional or physical punch. There are times, though, when explaining yourself fully is unnecessary because the beautiful thing about art is that it is fluid. No one will completely empathize or know your true feelings behind this piece, but you. No matter how much you explain it to us, most of us will correlate the words that you say and emotions you express with our own personal life.

muzic explorerz · 04-03-2009, 09:33 PM

i really enjoy it. =]

03-22-2009, 01:41 PM	#32 (permalink)
Rubber sidewalks Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Novi Posts: 401	Hm...doesn't look like I can change the name. Oh well. __________________ and we stayed, sixteen.

03-24-2009, 09:37 PM	#33 (permalink)
Rubber sidewalks Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Novi Posts: 401	Punch The shadows of weeds emerge from cracks in the sidewalk to chew my shoe laces. You land butterfly kisses on my knuckles just before the punch That displaces air like jigsaw magic. It greets the surface with meteoric customs. Listen to yourself, your howls. Root-spread nerve endings sing the joyous chorus of pain to your brain. The world turns through a skew ed time funnel, Distorted through a lens Perforated with blind spots. In hind sight, hind sight is a luxury. __________________ and we stayed, sixteen. Last edited by Rubber; 03-24-2009 at 09:53 PM.

03-26-2009, 07:36 PM	#34 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	if i may; why did you separate "skewed" into two different lines? __________________ If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.

03-26-2009, 09:42 PM	#35 (permalink)
Rubber sidewalks Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Novi Posts: 401	just a stylistic thing I felt like trying out. skewing the word skewed. __________________ and we stayed, sixteen.

03-29-2009, 07:47 AM	#36 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	ohh. if you think of it like that it makes more sense __________________ If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.

03-31-2009, 08:11 PM	#38 (permalink)
Nation Groupie Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 40	Great concept, but it doesn't really flow, and it doesn't make sense. I'd like to see you write some stuff that has more of a rhythm people can pick up on, or else a short story or limerick. Your a good writer though. __________________ My music channel Nation's the name, Music is my game.

04-03-2009, 01:05 PM	#39 (permalink)
333 Music Addict Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 965	I think it has great flow and imagery. The story is a little vague. I'm having a hard time deciphering whether it is an emotional or physical punch. There are times, though, when explaining yourself fully is unnecessary because the beautiful thing about art is that it is fluid. No one will completely empathize or know your true feelings behind this piece, but you. No matter how much you explain it to us, most of us will correlate the words that you say and emotions you express with our own personal life.

04-03-2009, 09:33 PM	#40 (permalink)
muzic explorerz Groupie Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Broom Posts: 1	i really enjoy it. =]