Rubber's Songwriting Journal

Schizotypic · 03-02-2009, 02:22 PM

The second line doesn't make much sense. Grammar is an important aspect in regaurds to the meaning of your poem, comma's should be used very sparingly. Pauses are better done with line breaks. Instead of saying "they said" you could write it from their perspective, to better set a scene. The diction could be better too. Try using words that metaphorically speaking could only mean exactly what you want to say and that have a connotation that reflects the overall feeling or mood. I'd suggest some revision.

Roygbiv · 03-02-2009, 02:25 PM

Neat, but I thought that the thread was about contraceptives (judging from your username as well).

Rubber · 03-03-2009, 09:22 AM

Quote:

Neat, but I thought that the thread was about contraceptives (judging from your username as well).

haha that's pretty funny =)

Quote:

The second line doesn't make much sense. Grammar is an important aspect in regaurds to the meaning of your poem, comma's should be used very sparingly. Pauses are better done with line breaks. Instead of saying "they said" you could write it from their perspective, to better set a scene. The diction could be better too. Try using words that metaphorically speaking could only mean exactly what you want to say and that have a connotation that reflects the overall feeling or mood. I'd suggest some revision.

I think you're right about the line breaks, I hesitated to go on a line break spree. I think I will try to revise this too.

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-06-2009, 06:29 PM

i like how the poem makes you feel the how you are alienated from the rest of the world, as if what everyone else does does not apply to your own life. interesting perspective on how to see the world

Rubber · 03-19-2009, 02:59 PM

It's happening
the weight of it percolates through my skull
with all the elegance of a cheese grater
the sting lingers
bleaching my bones
which by now are being held together with red ribbons
rattling and swaying in the wind
it happens all the time

I'm on my back after the fact
and the sky weaves through itself
playing dancer
to a tune I can't seem to hear
over the cacophony
of breathing walls
blinking eyes
and final heart beats
(the exclamation point at the end of each passing)
all simultaneous
all endless
the art is lost on me

Freebase Dali · 03-19-2009, 11:36 PM

This is good.

Rubber · 03-20-2009, 02:00 PM

thank you

Rubber · 03-22-2009, 09:13 AM

Hot fuzz grows from the pores
Of my wood paneled walls.
Sustained by the same stale air
That now sits stagnant in my lungs.
It has been over saturated
With repeated phrases.
Miscarriages of soliloquies
And inward promises.

As evidenced by my blood flushed face,
To breath again is but a pipe dream.
Instead I sit wishing on stars unseen,
Waiting for the color to drain from my pupils.

**Janszoon** · 03-22-2009, 12:24 PM

This was by far one of the best things I've ever read in here. I'd consider changing the title though because the first thing it makes me think of is the movie of the same name.

Rubber · 03-22-2009, 12:49 PM

thanks that means a lot

I completely forgot about that movie until after I named it haha.

03-02-2009, 02:25 PM	#22 (permalink)
Roygbiv marquee moon Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Toronto, Ontario Posts: 759	Neat, but I thought that the thread was about contraceptives (judging from your username as well). __________________ Roygbiv's Review Revue LATEST REVIEW SILENT SHOUT BY THE KNIFE

03-19-2009, 02:59 PM	#25 (permalink)
Rubber sidewalks Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Novi Posts: 401	Laying down It's happening the weight of it percolates through my skull with all the elegance of a cheese grater the sting lingers bleaching my bones which by now are being held together with red ribbons rattling and swaying in the wind it happens all the time I'm on my back after the fact and the sky weaves through itself playing dancer to a tune I can't seem to hear over the cacophony of breathing walls blinking eyes and final heart beats (the exclamation point at the end of each passing) all simultaneous all endless the art is lost on me __________________ and we stayed, sixteen.

03-19-2009, 11:36 PM	#26 (permalink)
Freebase Dali Partying on the inside Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 5,584	This is good. __________________

03-20-2009, 02:00 PM	#27 (permalink)
Rubber sidewalks Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Novi Posts: 401	thank you __________________ and we stayed, sixteen.

03-22-2009, 09:13 AM	#28 (permalink)
Rubber sidewalks Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Novi Posts: 401	Hot Fuzz Hot fuzz grows from the pores Of my wood paneled walls. Sustained by the same stale air That now sits stagnant in my lungs. It has been over saturated With repeated phrases. Miscarriages of soliloquies And inward promises. As evidenced by my blood flushed face, To breath again is but a pipe dream. Instead I sit wishing on stars unseen, Waiting for the color to drain from my pupils. __________________ and we stayed, sixteen. Last edited by Rubber; 03-22-2009 at 12:48 PM.

03-02-2009, 02:22 PM	#21 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	The second line doesn't make much sense. Grammar is an important aspect in regaurds to the meaning of your poem, comma's should be used very sparingly. Pauses are better done with line breaks. Instead of saying "they said" you could write it from their perspective, to better set a scene. The diction could be better too. Try using words that metaphorically speaking could only mean exactly what you want to say and that have a connotation that reflects the overall feeling or mood. I'd suggest some revision.

03-06-2009, 06:29 PM	#24 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	i like how the poem makes you feel the how you are alienated from the rest of the world, as if what everyone else does does not apply to your own life. interesting perspective on how to see the world

03-22-2009, 12:24 PM	#29 (permalink)
Janszoon Mate, Spawn & Die Join Date: May 2007 Location: The Rapping Community Posts: 24,593	This was by far one of the best things I've ever read in here. I'd consider changing the title though because the first thing it makes me think of is the movie of the same name. __________________ A Night in the Life of the Invisible Man Time & Place 25 Albums You Should Hear Before the Moon Crashes into the Earth and We All Die last.fm

03-22-2009, 12:49 PM	#30 (permalink)
Rubber sidewalks Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Novi Posts: 401	thanks that means a lot I completely forgot about that movie until after I named it haha. __________________ and we stayed, sixteen.