FaSho's Terrible Writing Corner

7gaugejames · 03-10-2009, 11:28 AM

O.K. youngsters representin'!

That is good writing and thick, meaty imagery.

Mmmmm Great force in this one, Jedi Poet he may be. Practice he will. Growth? He must. ( in my best Yoda voice) Control it he must learn,mmmm,
true test that will be.

FaSho · 06-12-2009, 08:19 PM

Here's some poems I don't really like that I wrote, just felt like this needed a bump.

GUARDRAILS (We Ran Until)
Fall Apart
Mend Again
Hate Your Words
Be My Friend

It's A Cage Fight
Is There Really A Winner?
Is It Just More Blood On The Bars?
Just Keep Punching
Because He Won't Listen
Make Him Bleed and Maybe He'll Understand

What A Trainwreck
We're Screeching Off the Tracks
I; Watching
Two Best Friends
Stab Eachother In The Back
I've Got An Extra Ticket
Do You Want To Watch
The Show With Me?

Maybe I'm Not Good Enough
The Sun Is Shining Down On Us
But It's
Masked By The Clouds
I Bet It Scares You
That
They Will Never Go Away
But It's Worth It
Keep Pushing
This Dream's Not Worth Loosing
Please
Just Let Me Stay

Little Boy Darfur
*NOTE: this was written for a project I did earlier this year about the genocides in Sudan.*
I breathe through my mouth
But the air never reaches
My lungs
My Tongue
Is bleeding
Tired from speaking
The words that they’re feeding
Into my brain
My pain
Is hidden
By scars from the war
My beliefs are shattered
The dreams mean nothing anymore
The thoughts overtake me
They brainwashed my home
The ones that survived
Have no control of their lives
Told by their sick masters
To fight to the grave

I’m screaming
But the sound is masked
By the gunshots
That ring out through the camp
All they hear is the Yes sir
Of my own defeat
One day I’ll awaken
From their cruel deceit

Will I die today?
Would I like it better that way?
Wouldn’t have to worry
About my family
Torn by disgrace
Never seen the face
Of death
So close
So close
The ones who’s minds survived
Who refuse to behave
The ones they remember
They’ll march past their graves

I’m screaming
But the sound is masked
By the gunshots
That ring out through the camp
All they hear is the Yes sir
Of my own defeat
One day I’ll awaken
From their cruel deceit

I see the sunlight
(I see the sky)
I see the moonlight
(I see in their eyes)
Will I die today?
(Will I go away?)
The ashes that burn
Now it’s my turn
To avenge my friends and the ones who were tough
The ones who ended it because It was too
Rough
Will I live to see the sun fall?
Will I live to see you smile?
The first is appalling
The latter Is dire
I’ll fall
But not because I’m a quitter
Together with the survivors
I’ll fight to the grave

Arya Stark · 06-14-2009, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FaSho

BUMP

2/20/09
I'm not goin to put the quote, because my writing really had nothing to do with it.

He was like worn leather, tattered and bruised. His skin hung from his bones like clothes out todry. he wore a threadbare top that didn't bother to hide his visible ribs. He wqas born of fake promises and well written lies, and could not find home in the state of desolation his knowledge of the world had put him in. His tears were a sign of his dashed goals, never to beaccomplished, bu this was not the end. He wiped away his tears, and began to smile as the sun's eyes blazed through him, warming his chapped lips and filling his empty stomach with hope. He stood up and trudged along, full o a newfound pride. He was no longer just a starving child, he had seen the sun, he had seen the eyes of something greater then him, and was no longer lost.

I really like using the sun as a metaphor for hope, it's a reccuring theme in my writing.

This is amazing, Dustin. This has to be my favourite.

Edit: And I love the Darfur poem.

~~Odyshape~~ · 06-15-2009, 02:19 AM

hot damn this is some good stuff put up some more if you get a chance

Astronomer · 06-18-2009, 12:20 AM

FaSho, you're writing is really good. Keep it up.

03-10-2009, 11:28 AM	#21 (permalink)
7gaugejames Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Imperial Beach Ca. Posts: 101	FaSho's Terrible writing Corner, O.K. youngsters representin'! That is good writing and thick, meaty imagery. Mmmmm Great force in this one, Jedi Poet he may be. Practice he will. Growth? He must. ( in my best Yoda voice) Control it he must learn,mmmm, true test that will be. __________________ I don't care who you are, Gunslinger, shmunslinger, everyone needs a good purse.

06-15-2009, 02:19 AM	#24 (permalink)
~~Odyshape~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 526	hot damn this is some good stuff put up some more if you get a chance

06-18-2009, 12:20 AM	#25 (permalink)
Astronomer we are stardust Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 2,894	FaSho, you're writing is really good. Keep it up.