Decay (Hang)

Eggman · 11-08-2008, 08:25 AM

On this dirt road to freedom there has always been
A struggle to carry as heavy as sin.
Why not give up?

The sands of time have been wearing away
At the heart of stone that has kept you astray.
How long must it last?

Desperate for the truth that will slice you to the core,
So willing to sacrifice yourself like a shameless whore.
Is it really worth it?

Once I got to the end, I had the intention to continue it.
But, after I looked it over, it feels complete.
Your thoughts?

turboduck17 · 11-09-2008, 10:25 PM

dooooooooooooooode

make it a little more brutal

either way, its ****ing awesome

thomasbreaker · 11-15-2008, 10:18 AM

Cool..! Seems missing a fourth stanza but it's going great.

Jim Colyer · 11-15-2008, 07:49 PM

Deep

WWWP · 11-16-2008, 02:10 AM

Very good. I like the structure a lot.

FaSho · 11-16-2008, 12:24 PM

Eggman you're an amazing writer. \

aveneficus · 11-16-2008, 05:28 PM

I liked this a lot.
I have only one suggestion:
In the last line of the third stanza, possibly changing the word 'like' to 'as'.
It keeps the same meaning, but I feel like it flows a bit better.
Just a suggestion, good work.

turboduck17 · 11-16-2008, 06:46 PM

hmmm, i think you should stay with the like

Eggman · 11-18-2008, 06:45 AM

Thanks everyone.
I've been kinda busy so I haven't written anything lately.
But that'll change.

Trendkiller · 01-19-2009, 03:20 AM

Nice. Keep it up.

11-08-2008, 08:25 AM	#1 (permalink)
Eggman Groupie Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Fort Worth, Texas Posts: 44	Decay On this dirt road to freedom there has always been A struggle to carry as heavy as sin. Why not give up? The sands of time have been wearing away At the heart of stone that has kept you astray. How long must it last? Desperate for the truth that will slice you to the core, So willing to sacrifice yourself like a shameless whore. Is it really worth it? Once I got to the end, I had the intention to continue it. But, after I looked it over, it feels complete. Your thoughts? __________________ -- Marshall http://last.fm/user/mdeAnr

11-09-2008, 10:25 PM	#2 (permalink)
turboduck17 Music Addict Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Near Chicago. Posts: 172	dooooooooooooooode make it a little more brutal either way, its ****ing awesome __________________ STAY (SIC) MAGGOTS

11-15-2008, 10:18 AM	#3 (permalink)
thomasbreaker Groupie Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Travelling Posts: 26	Cool..! Seems missing a fourth stanza but it's going great. __________________ Make NOISE! Musikko <-- Filipino Bands and Music Artists

11-16-2008, 06:46 PM	#8 (permalink)
turboduck17 Music Addict Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Near Chicago. Posts: 172	hmmm, i think you should stay with the like __________________ STAY (SIC) MAGGOTS

11-18-2008, 06:45 AM	#9 (permalink)
Eggman Groupie Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Fort Worth, Texas Posts: 44	Thanks everyone. I've been kinda busy so I haven't written anything lately. But that'll change. __________________ -- Marshall http://last.fm/user/mdeAnr

11-15-2008, 07:49 PM	#4 (permalink)
Jim Colyer Groupie Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Nashville, Tennessee Posts: 40	Deep

11-16-2008, 05:28 PM	#7 (permalink)
aveneficus Groupie Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Cincinnati, OH Posts: 44	I liked this a lot. I have only one suggestion: In the last line of the third stanza, possibly changing the word 'like' to 'as'. It keeps the same meaning, but I feel like it flows a bit better. Just a suggestion, good work.

01-19-2009, 03:20 AM	#10 (permalink)
Trendkiller Groupie Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Crossville Posts: 19	Nice. Keep it up. __________________ A Lynch Mob Of One