Nation

I've got a couple beefs with this poem/thing.
The first is that almost the whole way through it doesn't really have a pattern.
The second is that the last line kind of comes out of no where.
I did get the point of the poem though, so kudos.
Maybe a little more structure would serve you well?
It was nice though.

__________________
My music channel

chard

Finance your living, set your pace
the earth is your oyster,get intimate face to face.
Dont slog it out dont live to your means
travel the road, thats lined in gold.

As i was walking i saw a vision
it was calling me like a whisper on the wind
for the colour scapes that shrouded the land
was creating a narrow path
pushing me forward entering its domain
couldnt see the way i came.
Its a dream, everything is different here some how
though peaceful and beautiful untouched by man.

It costs nothing to be beautiful
love our creators creation
stop and think you know whats sinful
dont live beyond your station.

If you love your brothers and your sisters to
then you wont decieve them and do what sinners do
you wont be bothered what your friends are doing
stop right there forget about what their persuing.

head out into the world
with a rucksack on your back
a bible in your hand
to preach to the peoples of this land
how to be wealthy respected and true
forget all the learning that man has taught you.
down through the ages you see a poor man with faith
you think thats you when you sign up
its a lie you know thats not the truth
its your love of money read the book of ruth.
dont become to friendly, with the enemy
for they will rob you blind without faith,
youll have nothing left on your plate.
with faith you have no enemys
you may share and open your home
may the love of god touch them
freely where they roam
to live in denial fear grips your mind
to prevent you from seeing maybe your safe but your blind
never realising your potential then running out of time.
love thy stranger wether thief, murderer or other
for here stands a potential brother.

Nation

Nice concept..
It's a little scatterbrained though.
Like your starting with a concept, cutting it off with a new one, and returning to the last idea, only to cut it off again.
Nice idea, a little disorienting.

__________________
My music channel

chard

In the midst of day living with time being consumed
im off on a plane destination dark side of the moon
maybe there il get some peace n quiet,scream free diet
no problems arising where moneys not to tight.

everyone around me is bringing me down
living isnt easy on the depressing side of town
they just dont stop their complaining
they do nothing about it its to straining.

A big headache thats lingering
a whole nation blues singing
its enough to drive you to suicide
to relieve the suffering inside.

Now im not even being spoken to
ive upset them all with my point of view
its ok for me for im still employed
they just dont get it im annoyed
stop your whinging its spreading all over
like a disease its swallowing whole
its causing me real bother
your not have me follow you down the hole.
its not the end of the world though some think it
ive got cotton wool for my ears now you can all stick it.
time for me to make an exit
to late to fix it.

chard

Cutting all ties with you,
your demented and i wish to run from you
don't want you to hang around
tied to me hurtling down hell bound.
Yes i'm worried can't you tell
your different and it ain't swell
I can't afford to lose my grip right now,
so please lose yourself in the crowd.

I'm better on my own, sitting alone on my throne
knowing there's no place like home,
playing on my string and bone.

If i wanted to enter the realm of madness i will enter into your life,
I know where your going, I know what seeds your sowing,
I know what you will be growing, for me your my perfect wife.

I ain't going to tell you that, for you will get the wrong idea
maybe when i'm toothless and balding i'l let you near.
Haven't got the patience i'm not a volunteer
get out of my sight before i bite all that i hold dear.

Yes i will miss you for an hour or two,
does that make you feel any better, can you do what i ask of you.
Are you going to leave me in peace,so your staying thats really neat.

Making love to a real woman, sending me to heaven,
i am fortunate to know what that means,
she's the goddess of love she's the only one in my dreams.

Always trying to push away everything that would give me pleasure,
iv'e always been the same giving away all of my treasures.
But this one is as stubborn as me, now we will become family.

chard

Exploding of intense aggrivation
from reading factual documentation
to be thrown into tribulation
when all is said and done.

Dogs that rule the pitch
no after thought destroying relationships
disregard all thats gentle
when all is said and done.

A feeling of complete desperation
not knowing your own station
a faultering foundation
when all is said and done.

Wavering responsibilities casting aside
spinning lies, a vow that we swore to abide
has no relevance in daily life
when all is said and done.

Dictate your laws upon us all
a whirlwind to see how many will fall
calculating the outcome favouring your odds
death to the fish, first to go is cod
when all is said and done.

We vote you in, make us proud
be a visionary see us through
nolonger look upon us from under a shroud
this great land under a cloud
where all we see is you
when all is said and done.

Solid ground turns to quick sand
within a blink of my eye
only hurt and death we understand
thats why your kind must die
when all is said and done.

May it be swift, a future clear
a whole attitude shift, nomore tears.
my hand is out always, embrace it while you can
carry on, i will see you hang
when all is said and done.

Rapist, murderer yes you at the top
of land, sea and air and people
its no laughing matter, to ignore the truth tooth to tooth
when all is said and done.

chard

Look at it this way
look up and beyond
nothing should worry you
from the few, over the great pond.
Darling trust me tomorrow may never come
so stop your crying, dont look so glum
i am with you forever it shall be
we will face it together you and me.

chorus,The sun is beating down
lets enjoy this day,didnt want to go out anywhere today
just wanted to spend it with you,do as i do.

for when you smile, to me its a summers day
could be cold outside and sky grey
but to me it wouldnt matter anyway
looking into your eyes i have to say.

while everyone is busy not noticing whats wrong
the few that listen to the news know whats on
parts of the world is disapearing, yes gone
countrys leaders discussing it, no-one addmitting to it, no none.

Lets open the chilled champagne
which weve been saving for a day like today
lets celebrate our lives together
and be honest it couldnt be any better
i think its because we have nothing nothing better to do,
that we involve ourselfs in it,no interfearance from the public
heated debates mindless, upset with their points of view.chorus.

chard

Desperate times constitutes desperate measures
dig deep for nocturnal pleasures.
Be obliged by peoples differences
from a race of pollutants.
Refrain yourself from over stepping the mark
a bite is more painful than a bark.
My desire is to see
beyond the cavities
far from the seeing eye
where i may live life.
Im regularly told im misunderstood
spend time, deliver me from that page
no time to think,it goes to quick.
People talk as quick as they sneeze,
only listen when there on there knees.
Success decieves and warrants arrest,
it takes one to know one to pass the test.

chard

Trying to find a way out,
or just to get ahead.
Maybe im trying to hard
im losing my grip, surely slip and fall.
chorus:
It wasnt always like this
their was a time, when nothing did go wrong
and how i wish i could still belong
in, that world.

My generosity has ultimatly, condemned me
for i have let, things slide
and now theres no place to hide.
Im being ridiculed for who i am,
and only now i fully understand.

So now i have to toughen up
let no-one walk over me
the way their used to
must now not be seen.
To treat everyone as potential enemy's
though still pretending they are friends
what a predicament to get my, self in.chorus:

VEGANGELICA

Hi, Chard,
I am moved by the subject of this song: the sadness of realizing there are people who will use you or be cruel in other ways, when once (as young children, or before some special event?) we assumed others were friends unless proven otherwise. It is a sad realization many people have to deal with...and one that makes it all the nicer when people are friendly and come to our aid when we are in need.

I am curious about what it is that the speaker in the song has "let slide?" Also, I find the song makes me want to know more about what it is that causes others to ridicule the speaker of the song. Do you wish to keep that in general terms, or be more specific?
--Erica