Shivs

Hey chard, first off, I'm interested to know why this song is called "Jubilee". Now, onto the lyrics...I think you've got good ideas here, but they just didn't really come out that right. Many of the lines just sound like rhyming, rather than actual flow, or rhythm. An example of this would be

Money is power and who you know
submitting it to the masses is a no no

and

You might cry out for peace of mind
you voted us in thats not what you will find.

I don't know man, I just felt like some of the stanzas felt a bit awkward and underdeveloped. Like I said, though, I like what you're saying, I'm just not too fond of how you're saying it. Work some more on it, would be my advice!

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chard

I am searching for a clue i can't find
i'm fed up with fighting time.
If it was out there i would have found it by now
to fill the emptyness in my life, and bury all bitterness
that has paved my way and i just can't stay.

Flooding all hopefull thoughts into dark despair
wasting my time sitting on a old rocking chair
Looking out over yonder, waiting for relief
but only recieving thunder and another way for me to fall to my knees.
It presents itself obviously
what i desire will never be.

Back to basics the weather is fine
if thats all i ask for then the sun will shine
But if i ask for something more
it's never delivered to my door.

What's the chances that i fail everytime
the odds on that are stacked very high
I'm regretting following my dreams
it's not a fair seat splitting at the seams.

Oh i wonder how it's going to end
what will i become, will i make it if so when.
A real trooper searching for the goal
where is it wheres the whole, the whole truth
beyond all lies, never face to face always in disguise.

chard

I am regretfully mistaken about her love for me
never considered that she would just wake up one morning and flee
Somewhat! a paradox how will it end
with my heart all tied up iv'e lost my lover and friend.

Trust in me i will never let you down
what did i do at the very first turn
must have hurt you more than you did say
i suppose thats why you went on your way.
We have been together for two solid years
i forgot how to love and to wi[pe away your tears.
Will i be forgiven will you turn back for me
or will you always think i will never look at my self and see.

I can't live without you your always on my mind
though i didn't entertain you, I was living blind.
Thought you were happy, so wrong was i
living alone does not agree with me, when i'm alone i cry.
Hope you can feel the hurt penantrating from within me
us I thought were soul mates together for all eternity.

Never saw it coming i hope it's not a long while
have no idea where you would go to taking along my child.
Things were always happening beyond my control
our child was a thief and all our time he stole.
You never saw it quite like i did
you took me seriously, with embarrassment you hid
in the background never showing your face
what had i become a bloody disgrace.

Where are you now i can forgive oh so much
need your timid smile and your intimate touch
If only i could send you a letter telling you how much i care
and that with all my worldly possessions my life is bare
and even with all the time that has past, your'e no worse for wear.

chard

Looking at this world nothing frightens me
head strong with all possibilities
seeing people using fists to get what they want
realising it's only a front.
There is always a civilised way
but i find the strong are not always brave.

They use what they have to only brutalise
they will never get it never become wise
life is full of roundabouts, you give what you receive
it's a funny old world i'm not here to deceive.

Willing and able i do what i can
turn peoples heads upside down
if only for a short while you may see the light
shining all around you ever so bright.

chard

Don't always listen to your innerself
because sometimes you can be wrong,
if you want to deliver something special
do it before they have gone.
Assemble all the peices together
to make a picture known to you,
don't expect them to understand
if you haven't given any clues.

You go out on a tangent listening only to yourself
no one can reach you, you can't hear anyone else.
The picture is complete only in your own eyes
but when people receive it they get a nasty suprise.
You never take the time you expect to much,
it's not them but you, your out of touch.

You have something special to give i know it's true
but believe me and listen when i talk to you.
All is not lost you have time to prepare,
a little time a little more thought and you will have something to share.

Time is ticking and i believe your time is now
go out and sell yourself to the adoring crowd.
Both feet first, don't hang back or you will slip
believe in yourself take a grip.
I am your innerself this time i am right
we have had our differences but now it's time to fight.
Stop your shaking and get up on the stage
don't be that lion thats quiet and caged.

Friends of the wilderness need to hear your spoken words
now is the right time you have got to be heard.
The puzzle will enlighten all like a candle in the dark
people will know then your not a mute, your the man that built the ark.

Scarlett O'Hara

Ok this just confirms what I was thinking. Far there's pages and pages of the same ****. Whats the point of writing if you don't respond to others opinions/pointers?

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Bulldog

Exactly what I've been thinking. Scary thing is, this thread's been going about a year and a half too.

Scarlett O'Hara

Do you think its spam or he's just got major social issues? Could be a bot for all we know.

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Bulldog

I thought so at first, but I don't think so. None of this stuff's been posted on any other message boards or blogs, at least so far as I can tell. Plus, he made a couple of other threads in the lounge way back when.

I think this guy's just relentless and doesn't realise there are much better places than MB to post nothing but poetry for criticism, especially if you don't wanna bother acknowledging people who've gone through the effort of reading and understanding your work.

VEGANGELICA

Chard responded fairly early on to some comments in his thread.

I recommend you PM Chard if you have questions. That's what I did months ago. He is not a bot. I think like most people, he appreciates constructive comments.

I think sometimes writers feel it helps them to post what they are writing just to share what they are thinking and to inspire others to write regardless of feedback. Also, even if he doesn't respond to much feedback doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate it.

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