This

VEGANGELICA · 10-23-2009, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JayJamJah

Immensely grateful for your response.

I love how you reacted to it.

Hi JayJamJah,

I had wondered if you'd ever check your old thread! I'm glad it was fun for you to read my reaction.

I read your most recent post (in a separate thread) and am pasting it here for my reply to try to keep all your works in one thread:

Quote:

JayJamJah wrote:

Revolt Against revolt against yoUrself

My ideas our metaphors,
meant for men who resent whores
meant for those who repent scores
and scores of sins plus dozens more

Arrogance breeds a faded ground
allowed to rest it's pestilent crown
presiding over those who allowed
the shroud to cover the darkest clouds

And out loud a shout at those around
Put down your weapons on the ground
Paint not a smile nor a frown
But cast a look of knowing now

For those who’ve left us now and past
Their hearts no more, their souls intact
With all they’ve left and all they have
Should never go without what’s within their grasp

And at last we find our final path
Through rocks and roots and tangled grass
Where last we found a way to pass
Was within ourselves within our grasp

These weights we wear they weigh us down
But self imposed we can not drown
our instincts keep us afloat we know
but when it ends where do they go

Hmm...it sounds like a hopeful message that people can rid themselves of their emotional or belief system baggage that weighs them down. The many rhyming words and the frequent repetition of words ("now" used twice, "ground" used twice, "grasp" used twice) distract me from the meaning because I find myself focusing more on the rhyming than on the content. Also, I am confused about the meaning of several metaphors appearing in quick succession:

Quote:

Arrogance breeds a faded ground allowed to rest it's pestilent crown presiding over those who allowed the shroud to cover the darkest clouds

All these metaphors...

...arrogance (like an animal) breeds...
...the offspring are a faded ground...
...the ground is like a ruler with a death-causing crown...
...the ruler presides over people who cover up misery (the darkest clouds)

make it hard for me to see the meaning through them. I feel as if you had a very definite meaning in mind when you wrote the poem, but I don't know exactly what it is, although I would like to.

--Erica