wolverinewolfweiselpigeon's Songwriting Journal

WWWP · 08-15-2009, 02:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Terrible Lizard

You could go with the obvious " The moon in your eyes" , or not. I was also thinking "Tracks in the Snow" or something.

Hmm... Tracks in the Snow has my attention.

Nicktarist · 08-15-2009, 10:07 AM

Quote:

That town is a drain; it'll suck you dry
If you don't get away
Yeah that town is a drain, even once you've gone
Your heart still remains.

I know exactly how you feel. Perfect poem in almost every way.

peace,
-nick

Arya Stark · 08-17-2009, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolverinewolfweiselpigeon

Haven't posted lyrics in awhile. Come on people. Praise me.
PS- If you could help me come up with titles that'd be awesome.
--------------------------

We smoked cigarettes down old dirt roads
Our feet in the freezing lake
Watching our lives on the water's reflection
Dancing with every ache.

We'd disappear for hours at a time
Just lying in a field
Nothing free from our curious minds
No wish stayed concealed.

Walking by the bridge we bitched about our fathers
Til we were out of breath
We planned our wedding days and danced down the sidewalk
Til no sun was left.

But you can't see just right with the moon in your eyes.

I would hide in bed wishing to be lovely
Soak my face with tears
But nothing could quite replace your ready shoulders
Nothing's changed throughout the years.

We laughed about that lonely highway
"Let's hitchhike out of here
With friends for family and no set direction
Let's just have someone else steer."

I'm sad for what is gone, I'm sad for what is there
When the night begins to fall
Courage is found on the desolate hillside
Or just past this wall.

But you can't see just right with the moon in your eyes.

That town is a drain; it'll suck you dry
If you don't get away
Yeah that town is a drain, even once you've gone
Your heart still remains.

Now all these sedatives are keeping me awake
And I can't breath for all this air
A pretty noose will strangle you with it's beauty
A predetermined snare.

Is it a guilty mind that's causing this sick stomache
Or just this empty bottle of booze?
I've been watching life on the surface of new waters
But all I see is you.

But you can't see just right with the moon in your eyes

I'm trying to think of a title that isn't cliche.

But for now, the first thing that came into my mind is "Nostalgia."

Spelling?

Nicktarist · 08-18-2009, 07:26 PM

Quote:

I'm trying to think of a title that isn't cliche.

Bird Cage? --still pretty cheesy, but it does fit the meaning quite well.

VEGANGELICA · 08-18-2009, 11:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolverinewolfweiselpigeon

This is a poem I recently wrote about an isanely realistic dream I had. Tell me what you think.

In my dream I am driving.
My tires grip onto winding roads embellished by the
Dancing shadows of
Sun shining through autumn leaves.
Turn after turn I embrace the sun
Warming my face, then disappearing behind a mountain
Only to re-emerge moments later.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolverinewolfweiselpigeon

I've tightened the cork
To the bottle I'm sending
I'm ready to find a new shore.
I think I'll be fine
In the waves of the ocean
As long as I wash up on yours.
Drifting with hope
And my fingers crossed twice
I'm holding my breath all the way.
I sing with the moonlight
And dance to the foam
While the current just lifts me away.
I've whispered your name
Through the cracks of my dreams
Let it pass through my lips like a song.
If I'm a blank page
You're a true poet's pen
We were meant to be "us" all along.
So search through the driftwood,
Sand, small bits of shell,
Whatever else you may discover.
In the bottle I sent you
Filled up with my love
There is me for you to uncover.

Hi wolverinewolfweiselpigeon,
I'm making my way through your songs/poems from the beginning and so haven't focused yet on your new one! I especially enjoyed your emotional poem based on your very vivid dream (those are fascinating when they happen) and agree with reviewers who felt it would be even stronger without the repetition of the fact that it is a dream. The lines I put in bold (above) stick with me the most...they create a lovely image that reminds me of the reality I always appreciate in my life when I see it (the pattern of shadows and light filtering down through leaves of trees as the wind sways them).

Your hopeful offer of love in the bottle metaphor song is very sweet. This song captures the feeling of excitement and trepidation, the hope and some fear, as one offers oneself up to someone else, never knowing if life will go the way one hopes (since so much is out of our control) but hoping it will!

Though the idea of a bottle containing a message is similar to the Police's "message in a bottle song" as one person commented, the tone and feeling of your song seem very different: the speaker sounds innocent and daring, inviting the beloved to recognize the treasure offered. I don't actually remember anything about the Police's "message in a bottle" song except for that line ("message in a bottle") and the tune, which I never really cared for. Your song, though, sticks in my memory. You use great details...for example, you don't just "put" the cork in the bottle, but you tighten it, which instantly makes me imagine the way a cork feels as you twist it and feel it giving slightly against the hard glass of a bottle. Also, you do a very good job maintaining a rhyming pattern (without being strict about it) and a consistent meter.

--Erica

WWWP · 08-18-2009, 11:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA

Hi wolverinewolfweiselpigeon,
I'm making my way through your songs/poems from the beginning and so haven't focused yet on your new one! I especially enjoyed your emotional poem based on your very vivid dream (those are fascinating when they happen) and agree with reviewers who felt it would be even stronger without the repetition of the fact that it is a dream. The lines I put in bold (above) stick with me the most...they create a lovely image that reminds me of the reality I always appreciate in my life when I see it (the pattern of shadows and light filtering down through leaves of trees as the wind sways them).

Your hopeful offer of love in the bottle metaphor song is very sweet. This song captures the feeling of excitement and trepidation, the hope and some fear, as one offers oneself up to someone else, never knowing if life will go the way one hopes (since so much is out of our control) but hoping it will!

Though the idea of a bottle containing a message is similar to the Police's "message in a bottle song" as one person commented, the tone and feeling of your song seem very different: the speaker sounds innocent and daring, inviting the beloved to recognize the treasure offered. I don't actually remember anything about the Police's "message in a bottle" song except for that line ("message in a bottle") and the tune, which I never really cared for. Your song, though, sticks in my memory. You use great details...for example, you don't just "put" the cork in the bottle, but you tighten it, which instantly makes me imagine the way a cork feels as you twist it and feel it giving slightly against the hard glass of a bottle. Also, you do a very good job maintaining a rhyming pattern (without being strict about it) and a consistent meter.

--Erica

Wow, thanks a lot. I'm speechless...

Arya Stark · 08-20-2009, 07:05 PM

Stop being speechless cause I wanna see some more of your wonderful work.

=P

Double X · 08-25-2009, 01:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolverinewolfweiselpigeon

Haven't posted lyrics in awhile. Come on people. Praise me.
PS- If you could help me come up with titles that'd be awesome.

I dunno, 'Peversion' maybe? I liked it a lot, very nice flow.

WWWP · 11-08-2009, 03:44 PM

I'm working on something now but am having trouble finishing the lyrics, so if anyone has any ideas, suggestions, etc please help me out.

What I have so far:

I packed my bags two days after my high school graduation
And said goodbye to my hometown without much hesitation
I jumped a plane to SFO in my determination
And made my way through the north bay with sense of liberation

My sister said I left due to lack of appreciation
Dad cried out "abandonment" toned with intimidation
But they can't steal the thrill I feel negating expectation
And guilt trips call for too much fuel and duel cooperation

I was considering using the "ation" rhyme throughout the entire song, but a lot of songs do that and I don't want to rip anyone off. I also am unsure what to have for the bridge/chorus, so if you have any ideas let me know.

Here's the recording of what I have so far. The lyrics stop about a minute in, so don't feel obliged to listen to the whole track, the rest is just filler until I finish the lyrics. Oh, and I'm not a singer so please keep your insults to yourself.

Untitled.

EDIT: Still don't know what to do for the chorus but I finished up the lyrics -

You looked right in my face and said you don't deserve resentment
That night when you disowned me, yeah, you said you never meant it
So I promised my forgiveness and you filled up with contentment
But I had my fingers crossed inside the pockets of my jacket

You always said that anger's justified when provocation's present
I grew up knowing you were wrong, accepting the unpleasent
But now today three states away I'm calling you pathetic
And if the whole world shit on you it's only cause you let it

Arya Stark · 11-08-2009, 04:19 PM

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be ripping anyone off if you decided to take on that form of poetry.
On top of that, I believe there's a name for it.
I like the general idea of it, but I'm not fond of the form in general.
I can't download the file cause of where I am right now, but I'll try later in the month when i go home. >.<