honest opinions?! (song, Harp, Ching, Hang)

beyond-hourglass · 04-29-2008, 08:36 PM

hmm, okay
so i've been in a mood to write (short[very short] stories and poems) lately, and i want some honest opinion on my stuff, i can't ask my friends cause they'll say its good even if it isn't.
so go ahead, rip 'er apart

--------------------------------
It was wet out.
The streets were flooded with water, and i sat there, in a puddle, in my little cardboard box home, trying to block out the voices in my head.
"Your a loser" one screams.
"You'll never amout to anything" whispers another.
"I've had it" I scream. "Get out of my head! Leave! I want peace!"
All of a sudden, a bright flash goes off somewhere around me.
Startled, I look up to see a man with a camera and trenchcoat standing above me. The voice's stop, but only for a second, as if they can see him to.
"Who is he?" one whispers.
"Who cares" shouts another.
"Shut up!" I scream again.
This time I grab the knife beside me and put it to my head.
"Shut up or I'll kill you" I scream at the voices.
The man above me looks confused and scared.
"Your such a loser, you can't kill us. We don't exist" whispers one of the familiar voices in my head.
"Thats it! I'm done with you!" I shout as I shove the blade of the knife into my skull.
A sharp pain shoots throughout my body.
I look to the ground.
A pool of blood is quickly forming.
"You can't kill us, you loser" all the voices say in a sing-song voice.
"Watch me" I yell and I thrust the knife furthur into my skull.
A pain so unbareable shoots through my body once more.
A blinding white flash goes off.
I look up through my blurred vision, not quite able to see anything.
I notice the man there, still taking pictures of me.
Then, he walked away, acting as if nothing had happened, as if he saw nothing out of the ordinary.
All of a sudden, silence.
The voices in my head die.
Slowly, I slip into darkness.
I'm dying, I realize.
But the voices are gone.
Silence all around me.
I may be dead, but the voices are too.
------------------------------------------------------
Sitting alone,
No where to go,
No where to hide.
The water falls down around me.
Pouring and pounding on the ground around me.
Lost.
Lonely.
Waiting.
Years of sitting here.
Same old scenario.
Why dosen't it change.
What do I have to do.
I've made so many attempts.
So many tries.
But in the end,
I'm always here.
Alone.
The water falls heavier now.
Smashing into me like a tidal wave.
The freezing cold pellets bounce off of me.
Someone.
Something.
Anything.
Anyone.
Come rescue me.
Before the water consumes me.
-------------------------------------------
the second hand slowly moves around the face me the clock, each movement growing louder. warning her of the end.
the last few grains of sand in the hourglass slowly squeeze through the top to the bottom. she smiles to herself as the second last grain falls slowly through.
she smiles as she thinks back. thinks back to they're times together.
the laughs, the cries, the good times.
finally, the last grain of sand sneaks through and the second hand clicks loudly as it hits the number twelve.
outside a bird chirps as if to say 'times up, lets go' she looks back at him and smiles. holding back tears that want so badly to free themselves from her eyes.
she doesnt want him to see her cry.
she promised herself she would stay strong.
but as she slowly turns to leave the room, a tear falls down her cheek and onto the floor. echoing loudly.
breaking the silence in the room around her.
and as the doctor rushes in after she leaves to pull the plug and the steady pulse of the heart monitor falls flat,
she swore she could hear his soft voice whisper in her ear,
'dont be afraid. dont be sad. i will always be here beside you. in your mind and in your heart. my ghost will live on.' and as she turned around for one last look, she swore she could see him standing right beside her in the reflection of the window. protecting her.

(unfinished)
-----------------------------------------------
this isn't the first time the stars have fallen
fallen around me
this won't be the last time they collide with me
raining down upon the earth
some headed in my direction
the beauty of them all
but the uglyness in the truth
the truth that with every breaking heart
the string on which the star is attached is yanked down
pulled down to the earth
the ground now littered with every little star
every little star representing every heart ever broken
millions of them scattered
high and low
they're soft glowing lights slowly burning out
and like every broken heart
the stars have no chance of shinning again
burnt out forever
shattered in the fall
nothing will ever be able to mend it
----------------------------------------------
hiding in the dark forest
slinking behind each tree
something following me
turning
looking hard
trying to find the monster
the rows upon rows of trees sheltering it from my sight
knowing soon it will venture up beside me
giving up
sliding to the ground
i lay and wait for the monster to come
to consume me
to take me away
silently it drifts to my side
opening my eyes
its harsh blue green orbs just inches from mine
tears start to flow from my eyes creating a little pool on the leaves around me
the monster studies my face
tracing each little curve, every detail
trying to guess what i am
am i a monster like it
or something different
something unique
i begin to do the same to it
running my fingers around every curve of its face
its bulbus nose
its mishapen eyes
its small, pronounced, puffy lips
wondering
what is it
soon
something begins to pulse through my mind
why is this creature so familiar
this monster
something i've known before
and than realization strikes
this monster
this creature
this deformed humanbeing
is me
---------------------------------------
what goes on in your mind
everytime i walk by
is there still hatred flowing through your veins
or has forvigness come upon you
like a new mornings sun
has the time washed away the way you feel
dragged it out to sea
lost forever in its depths
or has the hatred grown stronger with each passing day
boiling up within you
reaching its maximum point

ManyBears · 04-30-2008, 01:17 AM

its just one cliche after another, come on. you need to watch less television.

beyond-hourglass · 04-30-2008, 12:12 PM

i honestly don't watch very much tv, i understand what your saying about the cliches but without sounding to stupid, cliches are pretty much apart of my life, in one way or another,

sounds werid, i know
but oh well

Whatsitoosit · 05-07-2008, 09:35 AM

The content is fine (as it is whatever you want it to be).

The first story seems a bit too wordy for my tastes, I would try condensing it a bit still getting your point across but without so many syllables. If you are in love with every word you used then by all means keep it as it is, I don't believe in editing personal work unless it is necessary and will enhance the work.

04-29-2008, 08:36 PM	#1 (permalink)
beyond-hourglass Groupie Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Goderich, Ontario, Canada Posts: 8	honest opinions?! hmm, okay so i've been in a mood to write (short[very short] stories and poems) lately, and i want some honest opinion on my stuff, i can't ask my friends cause they'll say its good even if it isn't. so go ahead, rip 'er apart -------------------------------- It was wet out. The streets were flooded with water, and i sat there, in a puddle, in my little cardboard box home, trying to block out the voices in my head. "Your a loser" one screams. "You'll never amout to anything" whispers another. "I've had it" I scream. "Get out of my head! Leave! I want peace!" All of a sudden, a bright flash goes off somewhere around me. Startled, I look up to see a man with a camera and trenchcoat standing above me. The voice's stop, but only for a second, as if they can see him to. "Who is he?" one whispers. "Who cares" shouts another. "Shut up!" I scream again. This time I grab the knife beside me and put it to my head. "Shut up or I'll kill you" I scream at the voices. The man above me looks confused and scared. "Your such a loser, you can't kill us. We don't exist" whispers one of the familiar voices in my head. "Thats it! I'm done with you!" I shout as I shove the blade of the knife into my skull. A sharp pain shoots throughout my body. I look to the ground. A pool of blood is quickly forming. "You can't kill us, you loser" all the voices say in a sing-song voice. "Watch me" I yell and I thrust the knife furthur into my skull. A pain so unbareable shoots through my body once more. A blinding white flash goes off. I look up through my blurred vision, not quite able to see anything. I notice the man there, still taking pictures of me. Then, he walked away, acting as if nothing had happened, as if he saw nothing out of the ordinary. All of a sudden, silence. The voices in my head die. Slowly, I slip into darkness. I'm dying, I realize. But the voices are gone. Silence all around me. I may be dead, but the voices are too. ------------------------------------------------------ Sitting alone, No where to go, No where to hide. The water falls down around me. Pouring and pounding on the ground around me. Lost. Lonely. Waiting. Years of sitting here. Same old scenario. Why dosen't it change. What do I have to do. I've made so many attempts. So many tries. But in the end, I'm always here. Alone. The water falls heavier now. Smashing into me like a tidal wave. The freezing cold pellets bounce off of me. Someone. Something. Anything. Anyone. Come rescue me. Before the water consumes me. ------------------------------------------- the second hand slowly moves around the face me the clock, each movement growing louder. warning her of the end. the last few grains of sand in the hourglass slowly squeeze through the top to the bottom. she smiles to herself as the second last grain falls slowly through. she smiles as she thinks back. thinks back to they're times together. the laughs, the cries, the good times. finally, the last grain of sand sneaks through and the second hand clicks loudly as it hits the number twelve. outside a bird chirps as if to say 'times up, lets go' she looks back at him and smiles. holding back tears that want so badly to free themselves from her eyes. she doesnt want him to see her cry. she promised herself she would stay strong. but as she slowly turns to leave the room, a tear falls down her cheek and onto the floor. echoing loudly. breaking the silence in the room around her. and as the doctor rushes in after she leaves to pull the plug and the steady pulse of the heart monitor falls flat, she swore she could hear his soft voice whisper in her ear, 'dont be afraid. dont be sad. i will always be here beside you. in your mind and in your heart. my ghost will live on.' and as she turned around for one last look, she swore she could see him standing right beside her in the reflection of the window. protecting her. (unfinished) ----------------------------------------------- this isn't the first time the stars have fallen fallen around me this won't be the last time they collide with me raining down upon the earth some headed in my direction the beauty of them all but the uglyness in the truth the truth that with every breaking heart the string on which the star is attached is yanked down pulled down to the earth the ground now littered with every little star every little star representing every heart ever broken millions of them scattered high and low they're soft glowing lights slowly burning out and like every broken heart the stars have no chance of shinning again burnt out forever shattered in the fall nothing will ever be able to mend it ---------------------------------------------- hiding in the dark forest slinking behind each tree something following me turning looking hard trying to find the monster the rows upon rows of trees sheltering it from my sight knowing soon it will venture up beside me giving up sliding to the ground i lay and wait for the monster to come to consume me to take me away silently it drifts to my side opening my eyes its harsh blue green orbs just inches from mine tears start to flow from my eyes creating a little pool on the leaves around me the monster studies my face tracing each little curve, every detail trying to guess what i am am i a monster like it or something different something unique i begin to do the same to it running my fingers around every curve of its face its bulbus nose its mishapen eyes its small, pronounced, puffy lips wondering what is it soon something begins to pulse through my mind why is this creature so familiar this monster something i've known before and than realization strikes this monster this creature this deformed humanbeing is me --------------------------------------- what goes on in your mind everytime i walk by is there still hatred flowing through your veins or has forvigness come upon you like a new mornings sun has the time washed away the way you feel dragged it out to sea lost forever in its depths or has the hatred grown stronger with each passing day boiling up within you reaching its maximum point __________________ it runs in me your poison seething in my veins

04-30-2008, 12:12 PM	#3 (permalink)
beyond-hourglass Groupie Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Goderich, Ontario, Canada Posts: 8	i honestly don't watch very much tv, i understand what your saying about the cliches but without sounding to stupid, cliches are pretty much apart of my life, in one way or another, sounds werid, i know but oh well __________________ it runs in me your poison seething in my veins

04-30-2008, 01:17 AM	#2 (permalink)
ManyBears Groupie Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 5	its just one cliche after another, come on. you need to watch less television.

05-07-2008, 09:35 AM	#4 (permalink)
Whatsitoosit Bringer of Carrots Join Date: May 2008 Location: New York, NY Posts: 648	The content is fine (as it is whatever you want it to be). The first story seems a bit too wordy for my tastes, I would try condensing it a bit still getting your point across but without so many syllables. If you are in love with every word you used then by all means keep it as it is, I don't believe in editing personal work unless it is necessary and will enhance the work.