The eyes of scar in a river of mistake! (lyrics, title)

~~under~~ · 12-13-2007, 10:30 PM

(working title)

i found myself swimming in a river.
i saw some scriptures as i swam faster and faster.
there were objects following me.
they were your eyes. watching me as i do anything.
im seeing that you watch me.
to see if i make the mistake that you predict i would make.

you dont seem to get it.
how i can just live my own life and remain by myself.
i dont like it when i have to come to you only because i live with you.
i dont believe i need to listen to you.
but a small word can lead into an argument with you.

i cant believe you would take something so precious away from me.
because when im around you.
i feel my heart stop.
its like something wants me to not be living when im around you.
it gives me hints.
i believe its saying for me to let myself go.

i dont want to because of you.
but i dont know...

Ace · 12-14-2007, 06:11 AM

Seems like you struggled to write something. Let the words come to you, don't force them.

TheCaster · 12-14-2007, 08:13 AM

I actually like it quite a bit, it seems a bit choppy(bad adjective, sorry) so it could use some work on smoothness. good metaphors and such. I wouldnt change the plot at all the only thing that needs work is the smoothness.

Crowe · 12-14-2007, 09:23 AM

I'll have to agree with Ace on this one. You look like you are trying suuuppperrr hard to write something... it shows, at least to me (and Ace apparently). Take another crack at it, but don't try to write something insightful for the sake of writing something insightful, ya dig?

~~under~~ · 12-14-2007, 09:41 AM

alright. i actually agree. it does seem like i tried to hard when i read through it. thanks.

/isdone

Dizzys in the wolf · 12-14-2007, 02:33 PM

it seems to me like what you have to say is along the right lines, you just gotta find a better way to say it. And I try to never put an exclamation mark in a song title, I find it drains the lyrics before you even read them.

Ace · 12-15-2007, 03:36 AM

Don't kick it, just keep writing. It's a process that you have to take step by step, so don't get in a hurry when you're writing. It also helps to brainstorm, and write down the ideas that go through your mind. Alot of my work, comes from piecing together different verses that hit me in the middle of the night. Take your time, and if at first it doesn't flow, remold it into something different.

~~under~~ · 12-15-2007, 10:40 PM

well i know what you mean. i will say that this specific poem was a little off. i was having trouble with writers block the night i wrote this.
but as you've hopefully seen, my other poetry/lyrics are much more flowing than this.
but thanks.

TheBig3 · 12-16-2007, 12:33 PM

well its good that you wrote something then, sometimes you just have to write bad poetry for three pages before it comes pouring out. I was always told that I "wrote into" my pieces meaning that before I go to the writing group if i'd hacked off the first stanza or two I'd be halfway there.

Similarly, "The Wasteland's" April is the cruelest month was something like a paragraph or a page in. Sometimes ****ty poetry helps.

~~under~~ · 12-16-2007, 03:36 PM

i know what you mean. you need to fail at times to succeed more. failing causes people to try more so that they can write better poetry.

12-13-2007, 10:30 PM	#1 (permalink)
~~under~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 1,056	The eyes of scar in a river of mistake! (working title) i found myself swimming in a river. i saw some scriptures as i swam faster and faster. there were objects following me. they were your eyes. watching me as i do anything. im seeing that you watch me. to see if i make the mistake that you predict i would make. you dont seem to get it. how i can just live my own life and remain by myself. i dont like it when i have to come to you only because i live with you. i dont believe i need to listen to you. but a small word can lead into an argument with you. i cant believe you would take something so precious away from me. because when im around you. i feel my heart stop. its like something wants me to not be living when im around you. it gives me hints. i believe its saying for me to let myself go. i dont want to because of you. but i dont know...

12-14-2007, 08:13 AM	#3 (permalink)
TheCaster Music Rapist Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Somewhere in the U.S Posts: 400	I actually like it quite a bit, it seems a bit choppy(bad adjective, sorry) so it could use some work on smoothness. good metaphors and such. I wouldnt change the plot at all the only thing that needs work is the smoothness. __________________ A soul in tension thats learning to fly Condition grounded but determined to try Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit

12-14-2007, 09:23 AM	#4 (permalink)
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 699	I'll have to agree with Ace on this one. You look like you are trying suuuppperrr hard to write something... it shows, at least to me (and Ace apparently). Take another crack at it, but don't try to write something insightful for the sake of writing something insightful, ya dig? __________________

12-14-2007, 02:33 PM	#6 (permalink)
Dizzys in the wolf Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Ireland Posts: 158	it seems to me like what you have to say is along the right lines, you just gotta find a better way to say it. And I try to never put an exclamation mark in a song title, I find it drains the lyrics before you even read them. __________________ There’s something about seeing this city at night Where we can say what we want and do what we like. These streets are empty but we don't feel alone, We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads. Last edited by Dizzys in the wolf; 12-14-2007 at 02:41 PM.

12-16-2007, 12:33 PM	#9 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,172	well its good that you wrote something then, sometimes you just have to write bad poetry for three pages before it comes pouring out. I was always told that I "wrote into" my pieces meaning that before I go to the writing group if i'd hacked off the first stanza or two I'd be halfway there. Similarly, "The Wasteland's" April is the cruelest month was something like a paragraph or a page in. Sometimes ****ty poetry helps. __________________ I've moved to a new address

12-14-2007, 09:41 AM	#5 (permalink)
~~under~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 1,056	alright. i actually agree. it does seem like i tried to hard when i read through it. thanks. /isdone

12-15-2007, 10:40 PM	#8 (permalink)
~~under~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 1,056	well i know what you mean. i will say that this specific poem was a little off. i was having trouble with writers block the night i wrote this. but as you've hopefully seen, my other poetry/lyrics are much more flowing than this. but thanks.

12-16-2007, 03:36 PM	#10 (permalink)
~~under~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 1,056	i know what you mean. you need to fail at times to succeed more. failing causes people to try more so that they can write better poetry.