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Tell me that practising has at least slightly improved my writing
why do you tell me that you're so alone? As if I'm not here at all It's not within my reach to overthrow the queen because my hands are always tied to your bedpost every night we breathe into our pillows and pretend to believe that all these nightmares are just barricades protecting our wonderful dreams but the worst thing of all was when my voice croaked and died and calling your name worked even less than it used to. |
I think this is a great improvement from your last piece you put up here. I love the imagery you've used with the bedpost and all that. I think the last part is weaker than the rest of it, its a good idea but you just need to go about saying it differently.
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thanks very much for the comments, the last part was something that's been swimming around in my head for a while but I keep struggling to represent it well in the form of lyrics
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:thumb:
nice job... |
Good imagery, yes, but I don't see a rhyme scheme or a rhythmic pattern. It seems more like free verse than a lyric
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but the worst thing of all
was when my voice croaked and died and calling your name worked even less than it used to. Calling your name/With a dead voice/So ineffective/It didn't make a noise or something maybe? I dunno ^^ but it'll come to you eventually. |
hmm I wanted to keep the last line as I wanted to make it clear that calling the girl's voice had little impact even before the protagonist's voice had died.
Like, the "worked even less than it used to" line |
^_^ you could run it over the top with a nice harmony.
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