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12-11-2007, 09:17 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Groupie
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 14
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Tell me that practising has at least slightly improved my writing
why do you tell me that you're so alone?
As if I'm not here at all It's not within my reach to overthrow the queen because my hands are always tied to your bedpost every night we breathe into our pillows and pretend to believe that all these nightmares are just barricades protecting our wonderful dreams but the worst thing of all was when my voice croaked and died and calling your name worked even less than it used to. Last edited by moonage-t; 12-12-2007 at 10:24 AM. |
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12-12-2007, 08:47 AM
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#2 (permalink) |
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Music Addict
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ireland
Posts: 158
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I think this is a great improvement from your last piece you put up here. I love the imagery you've used with the bedpost and all that. I think the last part is weaker than the rest of it, its a good idea but you just need to go about saying it differently.
__________________
There’s something about seeing this city at night
Where we can say what we want and do what we like. These streets are empty but we don't feel alone, We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads. |
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12-12-2007, 11:01 AM
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#6 (permalink) |
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Music Addict
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ireland
Posts: 158
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but the worst thing of all
was when my voice croaked and died and calling your name worked even less than it used to. Calling your name/With a dead voice/So ineffective/It didn't make a noise or something maybe? I dunno ^^ but it'll come to you eventually.
__________________
There’s something about seeing this city at night
Where we can say what we want and do what we like. These streets are empty but we don't feel alone, We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads. |
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12-12-2007, 11:50 AM
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#8 (permalink) |
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Music Addict
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ireland
Posts: 158
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^_^ you could run it over the top with a nice harmony.
__________________
There’s something about seeing this city at night
Where we can say what we want and do what we like. These streets are empty but we don't feel alone, We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads. |
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