First song in a long time (title, songs)

creepinson · 12-07-2007, 04:35 PM

These Walls Have Ears and Fangs and Fears
-------------------------------------------
Before I cared that there was heaven
Before I learned how to feel sorrow
I dreamt of how I would die here tonight, up in arms
Instead I’ll be in yours by tomorrow

To fulfill my purpose I’d slaughter any dream before the end
But as long as my hope is dead I can’t avenge my fallen friends

And nothing can save a wretch like me
No grace, no faith, no sympathy

So build me up, they don’t exist
Yet I’ve been haunted for so long
Even if I was at fault in this
Aren’t they too dead to still feel wronged?

Now mornings turn to evenings, and evenings melt into dreamscapes
There’s a lifetime worth of reasons to follow home the paths these feet made

And just then, as I realized that now wasn’t my time to die
An epitaph of shooting stars grieved its way across the sky

Now I’ve devoured half my life, and there’s no time to live the rest
If I can make this one thing right, I’ll save you with my last request

‘Cause when this all began that day, amidst the fights our blindness found
I thought of you, now worlds away, and so I laid my weapons down
--------------------------------------------------
haha i have so much to catch up on, i haven't been on in so long
c4c, you know the deal

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 12-07-2007, 06:14 PM

Not fond of the title. This seems to be about someone whose either been to war, or totally wasted there life. Its quite good, though.

Now mornings turn to evenings, and evenings melt into dreamscapes
There’s a lifetime worth of reasons to follow home the paths these feet made

And just then, as I realized that now wasn’t my time to die
An epitaph of shooting stars grieved its way across the sky
^ That was quite, quite nice.

So build me up, they don’t exist

Instead I’ll be in yours by tomorrow
^ Not fond of these two lines though. They just bug me. Dunno why. 6/10.

Dizzys in the wolf · 12-08-2007, 08:00 AM

I write a lot of songs about growing up, is that what this is about? Its not a bad song, but sometimes you kinda come to your own conclusions about things without explaining what exactly you're on about to the reader or listener.

Ace · 12-08-2007, 03:31 PM

It was pretty good. With the right tune, it should pan out nicely. I'd completely kill your title though. Almost didn't read this, due to the title.

acenoface · 12-10-2007, 12:31 PM

Very good! I'm willing to bet you've served in Iraq or Afghanistan.

One technical criticism:

And nothing can save a wretch like me
No grace, no faith, no sympathy

These words don't really rhyme, because words only rhyme if the stressed syllables have the same vowel, and the first syllable of sympathy is stressed.

creepinson · 12-12-2007, 05:39 PM

Thanks for the input, i'll make some adjustments...

Also, I definately haven't served in either Iraq or Afghanistan, i'm 16 and from Canada... soo... i vote pacifism

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 12-12-2007, 06:33 PM

Can you crit my piece? Glassy Brains And Peregrine Falcons?

12-07-2007, 04:35 PM	#1 (permalink)
creepinson you are freakin out, man Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: ajax, ontario Posts: 129	First song in a long time These Walls Have Ears and Fangs and Fears ------------------------------------------- Before I cared that there was heaven Before I learned how to feel sorrow I dreamt of how I would die here tonight, up in arms Instead I’ll be in yours by tomorrow To fulfill my purpose I’d slaughter any dream before the end But as long as my hope is dead I can’t avenge my fallen friends And nothing can save a wretch like me No grace, no faith, no sympathy So build me up, they don’t exist Yet I’ve been haunted for so long Even if I was at fault in this Aren’t they too dead to still feel wronged? Now mornings turn to evenings, and evenings melt into dreamscapes There’s a lifetime worth of reasons to follow home the paths these feet made And just then, as I realized that now wasn’t my time to die An epitaph of shooting stars grieved its way across the sky Now I’ve devoured half my life, and there’s no time to live the rest If I can make this one thing right, I’ll save you with my last request ‘Cause when this all began that day, amidst the fights our blindness found I thought of you, now worlds away, and so I laid my weapons down -------------------------------------------------- haha i have so much to catch up on, i haven't been on in so long c4c, you know the deal

12-08-2007, 08:00 AM	#3 (permalink)
Dizzys in the wolf Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Ireland Posts: 158	I write a lot of songs about growing up, is that what this is about? Its not a bad song, but sometimes you kinda come to your own conclusions about things without explaining what exactly you're on about to the reader or listener. __________________ There’s something about seeing this city at night Where we can say what we want and do what we like. These streets are empty but we don't feel alone, We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads.

12-10-2007, 12:31 PM	#5 (permalink)
acenoface Groupie Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: East Lansing, MI Posts: 21	Very good! I'm willing to bet you've served in Iraq or Afghanistan. One technical criticism: And nothing can save a wretch like me No grace, no faith, no sympathy These words don't really rhyme, because words only rhyme if the stressed syllables have the same vowel, and the first syllable of sympathy is stressed. __________________

12-12-2007, 05:39 PM	#6 (permalink)
creepinson you are freakin out, man Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: ajax, ontario Posts: 129	Thanks for the input, i'll make some adjustments... Also, I definately haven't served in either Iraq or Afghanistan, i'm 16 and from Canada... soo... i vote pacifism