snow on the heart of elders

~~under~~ · 12-01-2007, 06:18 PM

Living with a cold sore on the heart of gratitude

you take me with no surprise
that you dont feel love anymore.
at least not with me.
you brought yourself to a black hole.
that will never close again.

i wake up in the morning to rain or sunlight
and whenever i see you standing there
i automatically get a shock to my skin
to get out and get away from you as fast as i can
because i dont want to have a day where i cant survive

you dont see it in my eyes
but i cant live anymore with you guiding me
because whatever you believe is wrong
its something i am

theres nothing i can do with you looking
because i cant walk with you

TheCaster · 12-01-2007, 08:00 PM

1st stanza, its kinda just one big long sentence, try to break it up a bit

2nd stanza, beautiful! great emotion there

3rd and 4th stanza, this is great it has a depth too it that makes it insane.

Beautiful work

~~under~~ · 12-01-2007, 08:28 PM

thanks i was having a bit of writers block which is why the 1st stanza seems to have went a little off. ill fix it.

12-01-2007, 06:18 PM	#1 (permalink)
~~under~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 1,056	snow on the heart of elders Living with a cold sore on the heart of gratitude you take me with no surprise that you dont feel love anymore. at least not with me. you brought yourself to a black hole. that will never close again. i wake up in the morning to rain or sunlight and whenever i see you standing there i automatically get a shock to my skin to get out and get away from you as fast as i can because i dont want to have a day where i cant survive you dont see it in my eyes but i cant live anymore with you guiding me because whatever you believe is wrong its something i am theres nothing i can do with you looking because i cant walk with you Last edited by under; 12-01-2007 at 08:29 PM.

12-01-2007, 08:00 PM	#2 (permalink)
TheCaster Music Rapist Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Somewhere in the U.S Posts: 400	1st stanza, its kinda just one big long sentence, try to break it up a bit 2nd stanza, beautiful! great emotion there 3rd and 4th stanza, this is great it has a depth too it that makes it insane. Beautiful work __________________ A soul in tension thats learning to fly Condition grounded but determined to try Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit

12-01-2007, 08:28 PM	#3 (permalink)
~~under~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 1,056	thanks i was having a bit of writers block which is why the 1st stanza seems to have went a little off. ill fix it.