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11-30-2007, 08:29 AM | #1 (permalink) |
Music Rapist
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Somewhere in the U.S
Posts: 400
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Help with flowingness....
Haha you know you love that terminology. But im having an unusually hard time making it flow... Suggestions on making it better are good too.
The crevices: Whats going through your head Your falling in Just because they jump doesnt mean you have to follow Have you been cleansed or is there dirt underneath your nails the crevices are closing in hold them back or you'll fall in The pigs are off the cliff leaving you alone to decide for yourself Will you jump or follow me? the red ant in the millions of black will you stand out? or blend in the crevices are closing in hold them back or you'll fall in NEW ENDING: When the time comes and they all decide to fold Its your decision to make Time is running short Find the light the crevices have closed its too late you've fallen in
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A soul in tension thats learning to fly Condition grounded but determined to try Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit Last edited by TheCaster; 11-30-2007 at 01:06 PM. |
11-30-2007, 11:05 PM | #2 (permalink) | |
Music Addict
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 48
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Quote:
If you could only write two lines to say everything you want to say about the subject of this song what would they be? I know of the top of my head one line it made me think of was- -We got lemons and we got lemmings- another -There's a comfort in conforming and it's at the bottom of a cliff- Try just writing it all in two lines though and see what you get. If you're just asking from a traditional writing stand point, you've got the three act verse thing going on...although maybe the second and third should be switched.
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Dark Circle : They're here. Rocking your black night world since 2007. http://www.unsignedbandweb.com/music/bands/7789/ |
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11-30-2007, 11:35 PM | #3 (permalink) |
Account Disabled
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,056
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the flowiness is hard to follow only because some things don't have enough information about them
for instance "the crevices are closing in hold them back or you'll fall in The pigs are off the cliff leaving you alone to decide for yourself Will you jump or follow me? the red ant in the millions of black will you stand out? or blend in the crevices are closing in hold them back or you'll fall in" these few stanzas are good its just they need more into them. like they just dont have much to them which throws off the flowiness of the song/poem also. try to use a more creative word choice. yours the crevices are closing in hold them back or you'll fall in new version the crevices that i fear are slowly beginning to close in i will try to hold them back, but with fail you will fall in you see? more words = more power i like it though there are just a few things you forget. but dont give up. you always get better through experience. |
12-01-2007, 10:14 AM | #4 (permalink) |
Music Rapist
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Somewhere in the U.S
Posts: 400
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Ahh thanks i shall try these things
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A soul in tension thats learning to fly Condition grounded but determined to try Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit |
12-02-2007, 04:54 PM | #6 (permalink) |
Music Rapist
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Somewhere in the U.S
Posts: 400
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wow thanks, ill probably post the one im working on now in a week or two
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A soul in tension thats learning to fly Condition grounded but determined to try Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit |