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11-15-2007, 06:01 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Groupie
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 14
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First piece of work, please review
Shame you had to waste all your time on me,
oh how I dread to think of all those possibilities you wasted... Would you believe I lay awake every night thinking of how I devoured your time Not long ago you were a waitress, forlorn, those perfect eyes refused to look up from the floor and if it were not for those clothes I bought, the ones that you cut up and now seductively adorn Not long ago you were a waitress forlorn til I took you out and revealed what your body was for and if it was not for these hands of mine then love I am sure you'd still be 9 til 5. Such a shame you had to waste all your time on me... discovering yourself but denying those possibilities oh and darling I cry myself to sleep at night knowing that you chose them envy that I have neither the time, nor the money, nor the girth of all these other men... Your lips can be put to better use than around the rim of a porcelain mug... and your hands can be put to better use than clasping the handle of a coffee jug. |
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11-23-2007, 07:45 PM
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#4 (permalink) | |
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Ban Captain Caveman
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In The Realms of Poetry
Posts: 560
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If he calls it "borderline pornography" you can bet your powdered butt, he thinks it sucks.
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11-28-2007, 12:52 PM
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#6 (permalink) |
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Music Rapist
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Somewhere in the U.S
Posts: 400
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Uhm yeah... it was more disgusting that anything...
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A soul in tension thats learning to fly Condition grounded but determined to try Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit |
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11-30-2007, 11:37 PM
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#7 (permalink) |
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Account Disabled
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,056
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this makes me want to stop writing
ugh. tip just try to fix these few stanzas: "Shame you had to waste all your time on me, oh how I dread to think of all those possibilities you wasted... Would you believe I lay awake every night thinking of how I devoured your time Not long ago you were a waitress, forlorn, those perfect eyes refused to look up from the floor and if it were not for those clothes I bought, the ones that you cut up and now seductively adorn Not long ago you were a waitress forlorn til I took you out and revealed what your body was for and if it was not for these hands of mine then love I am sure you'd still be 9 til 5. Such a shame you had to waste all your time on me... discovering yourself but denying those possibilities oh and darling I cry myself to sleep at night knowing that you chose them envy that I have neither the time, nor the money, nor the girth of all these other men... Your lips can be put to better use than around the rim of a porcelain mug... and your hands can be put to better use than clasping the handle of a coffee jug." |
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12-01-2007, 06:55 AM
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#8 (permalink) |
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Music Addict
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ireland
Posts: 158
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This reminds me of a kinda warped "Don't you want me baby" lol.
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There’s something about seeing this city at night
Where we can say what we want and do what we like. These streets are empty but we don't feel alone, We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads. |
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12-04-2007, 08:56 AM
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#9 (permalink) | |
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Music Rapist
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Somewhere in the U.S
Posts: 400
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Quote:
Hahahahahaha, PWNED... sorry
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A soul in tension thats learning to fly Condition grounded but determined to try Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit |
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