First piece of work, please review

moonage-t · 12-09-2007, 11:05 PM

hohoho

TheBig3 · 12-10-2007, 12:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by moonage-t

Shame you had to waste all your time on me,
oh how I dread to think of all those possibilities
you wasted...
Would you believe I lay awake every night
thinking of how I devoured your time

Not long ago you were a waitress, forlorn,
those perfect eyes refused to look up from the floor
and if it were not for those clothes I bought,
the ones that you cut up and now seductively adorn
Not long ago you were a waitress forlorn
til I took you out and revealed what your body was for
and if it was not for these hands of mine
then love I am sure you'd still be 9 til 5.

Such a shame you had to waste all your time on me...
discovering yourself but denying those possibilities
oh and darling I cry myself to sleep at night knowing that you chose them
envy that I have neither the time, nor the money, nor the girth of all these other men...

Your lips can be put to better use
than around the rim of a porcelain mug...
and your hands can be put to better use
than clasping the handle of a coffee jug.

When R-T says its borderline pornographic, we're thinking the same thing for different reasons (I assume). Its too what if and not enough "happened."

I'm not suggesting you write something that is pornographic but lets get into the details here. What happened, why did it happen, why won't she do these things. And keep it bare. You're not writing a narrative, its still a song, but thats sort of the work involved. Pack a million things into 5 words uniquely and you're halfway home.

Do you have any questions for us?

dremecast · 12-10-2007, 01:40 AM

well i liked it

acenoface · 12-10-2007, 11:43 AM

Not long ago you were a waitress forlorn

Is not conversational. Never end a sentence with an adjective, unless it's preceded by a derivative of 'to be' (a waitress who was forlorn).

Try harder to write lines you can imagine people actually saying, like:

Not long ago you were a forlorn waitress
Depressed about cleaning that great mess

Check out Berklee School of Music Online. They have some awesome songwriting classes.

And don't quit writing! You can only improve by practicing.

TheBig3 · 12-10-2007, 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by acenoface

And don't quit writing! You can only improve by practicing.

this can not be said enough.

moonage-t · 12-11-2007, 08:49 PM

thankyou for that, I much appreciate the helpful reply rather than the 'shoot him down' approach.

As you can see I haven't quite got the nack of songwriting as of yet... I tend to restrain myself from what I really want to write by sticking to a certain narrative that is usually not as good as I intend it to be.

But yeah, I'll keep on writing. Nothing will stop me from doing that. It's an expression of self, at the very least. I'm just hoping that one day my lyrics will be appealing to others aswell as myself

12-10-2007, 11:43 AM	#14 (permalink)
acenoface Groupie Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: East Lansing, MI Posts: 21	Not long ago you were a waitress forlorn Is not conversational. Never end a sentence with an adjective, unless it's preceded by a derivative of 'to be' (a waitress who was forlorn). Try harder to write lines you can imagine people actually saying, like: Not long ago you were a forlorn waitress Depressed about cleaning that great mess Check out Berklee School of Music Online. They have some awesome songwriting classes. And don't quit writing! You can only improve by practicing. __________________

12-09-2007, 11:05 PM	#11 (permalink)
moonage-t Groupie Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 14	hohoho

12-10-2007, 01:40 AM	#13 (permalink)
dremecast Groupie Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 12	well i liked it

12-11-2007, 08:49 PM	#16 (permalink)
moonage-t Groupie Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 14	thankyou for that, I much appreciate the helpful reply rather than the 'shoot him down' approach. As you can see I haven't quite got the nack of songwriting as of yet... I tend to restrain myself from what I really want to write by sticking to a certain narrative that is usually not as good as I intend it to be. But yeah, I'll keep on writing. Nothing will stop me from doing that. It's an expression of self, at the very least. I'm just hoping that one day my lyrics will be appealing to others aswell as myself