No Title Yet, But Here's A Poem (single, Hang)

Ornette · 07-16-2007, 12:52 PM

Here's something I wrote...I can tell you what it's about if any of you are curious.

The single, fractured, shard of the sun -
battered by solid rain -
Holds us close in its tired glow
While it wanes for what seems like forever.

The earth wraps her arms around me, dying
to keep us apart; But I won't retreat to
The concrete cage that lies beneath
our glittering nest.

Nothing so pure as the flight of a pen
Over seas of white would we ever see,
Breathing life into the stories that
Kept us together.

And in our little nest flight comes
Naturally; And we come naturally
to an end but the nest remains as
Glowing and open as in our final days.

Poems just look cooler in italics. Any (constructive) criticism is welcome.

Ornette · 07-25-2007, 09:59 AM

Anyone?

Larkrise · 07-25-2007, 12:41 PM

WHat's it about? How long have you been writing poetry?

awightman · 07-26-2007, 03:38 PM

very pretty and smooth words but its too much imagery i think and not enough actual meaning . . .it could mean anything so how can you relate to it?

Ornette · 07-26-2007, 04:01 PM

Got ya. I'll edit it to have a more solid meaning sometime soon.

ZeppelinAir · 07-29-2007, 03:54 AM

nice vocab. it flows nice, i like

sleepy jack · 07-29-2007, 09:59 PM

I don't know if all the S's in the beginning were intentional or not, but I think its a bit much, maybe change shattered to broken? Because the battered which is the only keyword that doesn't begin with S (well and rain but thats the last word) seems to be, well like a sip of water in the desert but you want more then just one if that makes sense.

Thats the only thing I noticed about it that I had a problem with, I liked it alot.

Ornette · 07-29-2007, 10:08 PM

I honestly didn't notice the s's, so thanks for pointing that out.

I think I'll go with "fractured" in place of "shattered".

07-16-2007, 12:52 PM	#1 (permalink)
Ornette Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 100	No Title Yet, But Here's A Poem Here's something I wrote...I can tell you what it's about if any of you are curious. The single, fractured, shard of the sun - battered by solid rain - Holds us close in its tired glow While it wanes for what seems like forever. The earth wraps her arms around me, dying to keep us apart; But I won't retreat to The concrete cage that lies beneath our glittering nest. Nothing so pure as the flight of a pen Over seas of white would we ever see, Breathing life into the stories that Kept us together. And in our little nest flight comes Naturally; And we come naturally to an end but the nest remains as Glowing and open as in our final days. Poems just look cooler in italics. Any (constructive) criticism is welcome. Last edited by Ornette; 07-29-2007 at 10:11 PM.

07-25-2007, 12:41 PM	#3 (permalink)
Larkrise Music Addict Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Ontario Posts: 56	WHat's it about? How long have you been writing poetry? __________________ I am all woman!

07-29-2007, 03:54 AM	#6 (permalink)
ZeppelinAir Long time no see Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 512	nice vocab. it flows nice, i like __________________ not that old signature

07-25-2007, 09:59 AM	#2 (permalink)
Ornette Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 100	Anyone?

07-26-2007, 03:38 PM	#4 (permalink)
awightman Groupie Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Des Moines IA Posts: 2	very pretty and smooth words but its too much imagery i think and not enough actual meaning . . .it could mean anything so how can you relate to it?

07-26-2007, 04:01 PM	#5 (permalink)
Ornette Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 100	Got ya. I'll edit it to have a more solid meaning sometime soon.

07-29-2007, 10:08 PM	#8 (permalink)
Ornette Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 100	I honestly didn't notice the s's, so thanks for pointing that out. I think I'll go with "fractured" in place of "shattered".