Something I wrote, would love your opinion... (member, title, copyright)

cheriejrfan · 06-23-2007, 10:23 PM

I don't really have a title for this ..

You'll never be forgotten
I keep you in my heart
And always remember
we'll never be apart.

You'll always be here
By my side
With me forever
Like an ocean tide.

You were the one
who always knew
Who I was and
What I went through.

You'll always be
My first love
We fit together
Just like a glove.

I think of you
Each and every day
I wish you were here
And didn't go away.

I know your in Heaven
Watching over me
I hope I'm the person
You wanted me to be.

Out of the blue
It happened so fas
You left this earth
But, now that's the past.

It's hard to live
Without you here
But, I look to the future
And try not to fear.

copyright: Cherie Andrews

ZeppelinAir · 06-26-2007, 01:20 AM

Quote:

I know your in Heaven
Watching over me
I hope I'm the person
You wanted me to be.

tis alright, a bit well boring, it was predictable but i do like that ^^^^

tdoc210 · 06-26-2007, 10:03 AM

lol sucky

joyboyo53 · 06-26-2007, 12:05 PM

es ok. is this something that actually happened? anywho, the fit together like a glove could be changed. only because a glove doesnt fit together, they just fit. there is a plural singular confusion there also, unless you are talking about a glove and a hand... but then once again, they just fit. think about how silly this sounds "this glove fits together perfectly" vs "this glove fits perfectly"... just my 2cents

Bane of your existence · 06-26-2007, 12:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheriejrfan

copyright: Cherie Andrews

Hehe

creepinson · 07-04-2007, 07:07 PM

some of the rhyming seems pretty forced, you just need to keep working at writing so that you can find more original, subtle and imaginative concepts and uses of imagery. The two similes are saw were sorta stinkers too... the less thought goes into your metaphors and similies the less well be thinking that an ocean tide is actually forever by your side (?) and more about how long it must have taken you to realize side and tide rhyme. Keep working at it, i want to watch you get better lol.

cheriejrfan · 07-05-2007, 09:18 AM

Thank You for gving me some things to think about and work on..

jackhammer · 07-11-2007, 05:48 PM

Great..if your ten years old. It really does'nt say anything that has'nt been said before. However it seems emotionally honest. Kudos to all those who put their words up here. I write some stuff occasionally, but I would never let you lot get hold of it and rip it to shreds!

06-23-2007, 10:23 PM	#1 (permalink)
cheriejrfan Groupie Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: TEXAS Posts: 13	Something I wrote, would love your opinion... I don't really have a title for this .. You'll never be forgotten I keep you in my heart And always remember we'll never be apart. You'll always be here By my side With me forever Like an ocean tide. You were the one who always knew Who I was and What I went through. You'll always be My first love We fit together Just like a glove. I think of you Each and every day I wish you were here And didn't go away. I know your in Heaven Watching over me I hope I'm the person You wanted me to be. Out of the blue It happened so fas You left this earth But, now that's the past. It's hard to live Without you here But, I look to the future And try not to fear. copyright: Cherie Andrews __________________ Best Kept Secret In The South...... Texas Girls!! Last edited by cheriejrfan; 06-23-2007 at 11:15 PM.

06-26-2007, 10:03 AM	#3 (permalink)
tdoc210 ashes against the grain Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: new hampsha Posts: 2,617	lol sucky __________________ We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that.

07-05-2007, 09:18 AM	#7 (permalink)
cheriejrfan Groupie Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: TEXAS Posts: 13	Thank You for gving me some things to think about and work on.. __________________ Best Kept Secret In The South...... Texas Girls!!

07-11-2007, 05:48 PM	#8 (permalink)
jackhammer Ba and Be. Join Date: May 2007 Location: This Is England Posts: 17,331	Great..if your ten years old. It really does'nt say anything that has'nt been said before. However it seems emotionally honest. Kudos to all those who put their words up here. I write some stuff occasionally, but I would never let you lot get hold of it and rip it to shreds! __________________ It be my music and film collection. “A cynic by experience, a romantic by inclination and now a hero by necessity.”

06-26-2007, 12:05 PM	#4 (permalink)
joyboyo53 down the rabbit hole Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: the mountain called monkey Posts: 764	es ok. is this something that actually happened? anywho, the fit together like a glove could be changed. only because a glove doesnt fit together, they just fit. there is a plural singular confusion there also, unless you are talking about a glove and a hand... but then once again, they just fit. think about how silly this sounds "this glove fits together perfectly" vs "this glove fits perfectly"... just my 2cents

07-04-2007, 07:07 PM	#6 (permalink)
creepinson you are freakin out, man Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: ajax, ontario Posts: 129	some of the rhyming seems pretty forced, you just need to keep working at writing so that you can find more original, subtle and imaginative concepts and uses of imagery. The two similes are saw were sorta stinkers too... the less thought goes into your metaphors and similies the less well be thinking that an ocean tide is actually forever by your side (?) and more about how long it must have taken you to realize side and tide rhyme. Keep working at it, i want to watch you get better lol.