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05-23-2007, 07:43 PM | #1 (permalink) |
Me and The Major
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 1,830
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The Tree That Broke My Life
Input and such would be great and as always, the title sucks.
Your pale blue eyes were always a mystery to me and I finally realized what they had been hiding from me And from everyone else for ll those years, my dear You've got a play pen of flames behind those orbs of Yours and they dance so seductively. I honestly can't say if it was the kind words or your Kind hips that made me fall for you but somewhere Along that rustly nail road my heart took a fondness For yours and you claimed that yours did the same, But my tears don't show that. Once I dreamed of a tree making love to the sky with Each of its skiny branches stroking it's spine and I saw your face giving a wink in one of those clouds While a lonely little boy lay in front of the pond allowing The water level to raise just a little more. I wish I had never fallen for you, but that doesn't Make this any easier. I've been abused before but My heart has never been raped quite like that and All I can remember now is that little seductive look You gave me night after night, it does like to taunt me In my dreams still. |
05-23-2007, 09:02 PM | #2 (permalink) | ||||
isfckingdead
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 18,967
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All in all it needs some work, I honestly think you should scrap all the verses but the third because the whole thing was sort of typical teenage heartbreak poem. |
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05-28-2007, 02:58 PM | #6 (permalink) |
Me and The Major
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 1,830
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Lmao, that could kinda work if it weren't for the fact that I've never been married. But anywho, I revised this and I'm kinda pleased with the revision. I kept the third stanza but everything else is new. I was kinda hesitant for it to have a theme (magic in this case) but it seemed more fitting that way. And I changed the title as well because I love alliteration.
An Arcane Afair The words we shared were a sort Of magical bond that tied us together And I had never seen such an Arcane affair before; so I decided To take a little stroll with you. Your Pale blue eyes suggested future years Of our own castle town, bonded together By that one spell that you cast over Me. My dear siren, you have a different kind Of magic in your veins. So you had me take a sip of your love potion And it tasted so awkward, so awkward All the time, but my thirst remained Unquinched so I kept drinking more And more until you had me in your deep sleep. Then I dreamt of a tree making love to the sky with Each of its skiny branches stroking your spine and I saw your face giving a wink in one of those clouds While a lonely little boy lay in front of the pond Allowing the water level to raise just a little more. Now it's been years since I've felt the Power of your spell but that dark locket You gave me helps to keep my mind Grounded and balanced for the sirens to come. Last edited by The Dave; 05-30-2007 at 09:12 PM. |
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