The Dave

Input and such would be great and as always, the title sucks.




Your pale blue eyes were always a mystery to me and
I finally realized what they had been hiding from me
And from everyone else for ll those years, my dear
You've got a play pen of flames behind those orbs of
Yours and they dance so seductively.

I honestly can't say if it was the kind words or your
Kind hips that made me fall for you but somewhere
Along that rustly nail road my heart took a fondness
For yours and you claimed that yours did the same,
But my tears don't show that.

Once I dreamed of a tree making love to the sky with
Each of its skiny branches stroking it's spine and
I saw your face giving a wink in one of those clouds
While a lonely little boy lay in front of the pond allowing
The water level to raise just a little more.

I wish I had never fallen for you, but that doesn't
Make this any easier. I've been abused before but
My heart has never been raped quite like that and
All I can remember now is that little seductive look
You gave me night after night, it does like to taunt me
In my dreams still.

sleepy jack

Dance so seductive would sound better, and I don't know if this is about personal experience or not but if it is then stick with pale blue eyes if its not go with a less overdone eye color.

That last line sucked Dave, not even going to pretend it doesnt. Just take it out and that verse will be fine. Claimed plays up the sorrow well enough.

this is good, my favorite verse out of the whole thing.

Raped is an ugly ugly ugly word, and coupled with my heart its just not good.

All in all it needs some work, I honestly think you should scrap all the verses but the third because the whole thing was sort of typical teenage heartbreak poem.

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The Dave

K, thanks for the help, I'll try and work on it tomorrow and see what I can come up with.

dirt mcgirt

ayo, 'tha tree that stole my wife' has more promise, naamean?

Laces Out Dan!

Hahahahaha

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The Dave

Lmao, that could kinda work if it weren't for the fact that I've never been married. But anywho, I revised this and I'm kinda pleased with the revision. I kept the third stanza but everything else is new. I was kinda hesitant for it to have a theme (magic in this case) but it seemed more fitting that way. And I changed the title as well because I love alliteration.

An Arcane Afair

The words we shared were a sort
Of magical bond that tied us together
And I had never seen such an
Arcane affair before; so I decided
To take a little stroll with you. Your
Pale blue eyes suggested future years
Of our own castle town, bonded together
By that one spell that you cast over
Me. My dear siren, you have a different kind
Of magic in your veins.

So you had me take a sip of your love potion
And it tasted so awkward, so awkward
All the time, but my thirst remained
Unquinched so I kept drinking more
And more until you had me in your deep sleep.

Then I dreamt of a tree making love to the sky with
Each of its skiny branches stroking your spine and
I saw your face giving a wink in one of those clouds
While a lonely little boy lay in front of the pond
Allowing the water level to raise just a little more.

Now it's been years since I've felt the
Power of your spell but that dark locket
You gave me helps to keep my mind
Grounded and balanced for the sirens to come.

sleepy jack

black magic = lame, just say magic theres hints of negativities in the first verse but its not blatant black magic makes it blatant and that isn't good.

I have to split now i'll get to the rest later.

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Patient Dreams

I'm probally not much at lyric reviewing before applying it to music. Would like to see how you hear it being sung. To me from personal experience it seems to have a major impact of what words gets used. Cool works though.

The Dave

^it's not a song, just a poem.