Jadix

Rock/blues type of deal going on here

I see angels, all the time
But they do not come from the sky
They dont have wings, they can't fly
They walk the streets like you and I

There is nothing, nothing wrong
The gates of heaven are long gone
Even Heaven, can not last
Someone pawned that gold for cash

I see people, look around
Theres no magic within this town
Its like music, in the sound
Its the people who gathered 'round

TheBig3

mmmm, you know actually I like it but the rhyme has to go. You have some cool concepts in there that you don't beat to death. I mean the idea of the gold in the gates of heaven getting pawned says a ton without actually saying it.

But then in the next stanza you have expository lines like "but I don't see them in the sky"

I mean, when you say their on the street just passing by that tells us that they aren't in the sky, so lose the "but I don't see them" line.

I think you did a nice job of keeping it simple, keeping it subtle and you didn't whine an unhealthy amount as some might have with that "i'm sensitive but I still wanna be a badass so I'll say my life sucks and its really hard."

Get some more reviews, polish it up and go from there.

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IrishWhiskey

i like this a lot, even with the excessive rhyming... its one of those things that would sound good in song, though the lyrics alone are a bit sketchy

if its in a song, you probably have to keep the rhyming... but if its just a poem you should change it up a bit, cause it does sound kind of forced


good stuff though, i like your style of writing

Jadix

"I dont see them in the sky" means the are not godly creatures. The next line kind of underlines that by saying "they dont have wings, they dont fly". However, the last line "they walk the streets like you and I" is supposed to give them the human element. Thats what really tells the listener what Im talking about. If I change one of these lines it might be the third one, but I think the point that they are not real angels needs to be very clear.

and yes this is intended to be a song.

Also, i updated it.

IrishWhiskey

/thumbsup


I really like this, I don't know why. I don't usually like that much rhyming in a poem, but this is an exception. It just really appeals to me-- I don't know if it's the simplicity of it or just how it's written or what.

Do you have a link to your music?

Jadix

I just sang this for the first time last night at a show. A buddy filmed the whole thing so I'll post a link here once I get a copy.